Tag Archive: Capricorn

Horoscopes For July 2019

Aries You ever get the feeling that your life is going nowhere because of a few pivotal mistakes you made when you were too young to know any better? There’s a good reason for that. But if it’s any consolation, your life wouldn’t have gone anywhere anyway. They tend not to nowadays.  Taurus What kind of person chooses the President over their own friends and family? Just think about that for a few seconds. You. Chose a guy. You do not know. Who does not care about you. Over your friends and family. Who actually do care about you. Or did.  Gemini The good news: you’re going to be reelected President of the United States of America. The bad news: you’re going to be reelected President of the United States of America. Some more good news: your second term will only last three months. Once you default on your Chinese…
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Horoscopes for 3.1.19

Just in case any of you might have forgotten: This isn’t just another one of those “horoscopes” that spews out vague platitudes that could apply to anyone. No no no. When you’re reading and start to think “gee whiz, this really seems to be about me,” that’s because it is. The stars know. I know. Your horoscope seems like it’s about all of those intimate details you shared with me in confidence because it is. You can’t have it both ways. You can either get cryptic gibberish, or a real, straight from the tea leaves/horse’s mouth/duck’s intestines horoscope. A lot of horses and ducks had to die for these horoscopes. Now that I think about it, the horses didn’t actually have to be killed, but rest assured, they’re all dead.   We are very special apes. We’re the apes that laugh and cry, like chimps, baboons (technically monkeys), and gorillas.…
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Horoscopes for 12.7.18

Aries: “The truth will set you free” is just an expression. It doesn’t actually work in court. Famous Aries: Saoirse Ronan, Hitler, David Letterman Taurus: No matter how hard you work and successful you are, we all die disappointed and alone. Remember that before starting your next big project.   Famous Taurus: Pol Pot, Jessica Alba Gemini: Every year you decide you’re finally going to change, and every year you’re wrong. Congratulations on finally giving up. Famous Geminis: Jeffrey Dahmer, Kanye West, Donald Trump Cancer: There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to say it: people have had enough of your nonsense and you should really just shut up and disappear for awhile. But on the brightside, this was a lot easier to say than I thought it’d be. Famous Cancers: Ariana Grande, Meryl Streep, Pancreatic   Leo: After a lifetime of generosity and loyalty, you can’t…
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