Tag Archive: Brad Pitt

Divine Advice For Mr. T

Dear DA, What the hell is wrong with my Pornhub? Almost everything I bookmarked is gone, and people are saying this shit is permanent? Now I’m back on xvideo and YouTube, but it just ain’t the same. Who’s responsible for this? Because I’m going to find the sucker and punch him so hard he wakes up a fetus back inside his mama’s womb, afraid to come out for another whoppin’. I can be a reasonable man, despite all the bullshit I’ve had to live through. You ever have Nancy Reagan sit on your lap? It feels like two ostriches are stabbing into your thighs with their beaks. Give me back my damn Pornhub! Sincerely, Mr. T Dear Mr. T, Your problem is a little hard for me to relate to since, as God, the whole world is my “Pornhub.” My Holy x-ray vision can see into every bedroom, parked car,…
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Divine Advice For Brad Pitt 2

Dear DA, I wrote in awhile back about my identical twin or clone or whatever he is, and he’s still driving me crazy. He doesn’t understand the world, so when he goes out, he basically makes a fool out of me. He went to a fancy restaurant last week and they let him in because he’s “Brad Pitt.” He started eating food out of the bus buckets, then sat down at an empty table and started eating the leftovers. They took him to a new table and he got angry because there wasn’t any food on it, so he started crying. Then he opened the door to the kitchen and started pissing into it until they grabbed him and brought him into the bathroom. He must have gotten confused in there because I had to go pick him up a few hours later. He wouldn’t come out of a stall,…
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Divine Advice For Woody Allen

Dear DA, I’m writing in to support my friend Harvey Weinstein. I know that what he was accused of doing was technically “wrong”, whatever that means, but let’s be honest here. Look at Harvey. Would any of these women (hell, would any woman?) even give him the time of day if he didn’t wield some sort of power over them? I feel sorry for the poor guy, it’s like being a kid in a candy shop, lookey lookey but no touchy. I can empathize with Harvey because I had a bit of a scandal myself a few years back. I know what I did was technically “unconventional”, but again, let’s be honest here. What guy doesn’t fantasize about adopting an Asian baby, raising her to near adulthood, and then dumping Mia Farrow for her? It’s like the ultimate fuck you to Mia Farrow, and I guess society, too. So who…
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Divine Advice For Gwyneth Paltrow

Dear Jesus Christ and Lucifer Satan, I fear that I’m losing touch with reality lately, both my reality and the everyone else reality of not being me and mostly not being in my reality at all. I have a lot of money. I always have, and I’m very beautiful. But lately, I feel compelled to produce and market these really shoddy self help products and give dangerous health advice to women. For example, I was selling these jade eggs for $66 each and telling women to put them in their vaginas. I told women that this was good for them. I sold a lot of these eggs. My new product is something I call Miracle Dust. I tell women that if they put it in their tea, it’ll help to balance their chakras. The jade eggs were actual jade eggs, but Miracle Dust is just cyanide. It says cyanide on…
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Divine Advice For Brad Pitt

Dear Jesus and Satan, A few years ago I made a deal with Satan. In exchange for my soul, he agreed to make a double of myself. The idea was that my double would go to work for me, clean my toilet, do my laundry, etc. But my double is maybe even worse than I am, he got fired from my job, he got us dumped by my girlfriend, all he does is drink and smoke, he’s sitting on my couch right now drinking beer, it’s 9 AM. I try to reason with him, but he knows exactly what I’m going to say, he knows all my darkest secrets, he’s basically me. It is unbearable, I already hated myself and now, constantly having to deal with myself, I completely get it, why everyone is so fed up with me, or us. We drink and smoke together, and fight constantly. He doesn’t…
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