Tag Archive: Ben Affleck

Divine Advice for Matt Damon 11

Dear DA, Well, I’ve stepped in it again. A guy from Boston admits he says the “F” word, what a shocker! I admitted my daughter taught me it’s wrong (I still don’t quite buy her argument) and I’ve agreed not to say fa-the “F” word anymore. See? I’ve learned and grown, and people are still shitting on me. Thank God (or I guess You) I didn’t admit to all the other awful slurs I say on a daily basis. My main excuse is that I’m from Boston and I’m getting old. You say horrible shit for the better part of 50 years, it’s hard to change. Have you been to NY? I hear the n-word 10 times a day, people there say it casually, but none of them are Matt Damon, so they don’t get crucified online. There are other famous people out there who have literally killed people, where’s…
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Divine Advice For Dr. Anthony Fauci 2

Dear Jesus and Satan, The other day, I stumbled upon some Anthony Fauci/Andrew Cuomo erotic fan fiction that Chelsea Handler wrote back in April 2020, and it brought a tear to my eye. Those were simpler times, when the public accepted every word that came out of my mouth as gospel, and anyone who expressed any doubt was lumped in with the QAnon conspiracy nuts. It was a great time to be Anthony Fauci, let me tell you. Did I get to fuck Chelsea Handler? No—I’m no Andrew Cuomo—but I did have Brad Pitt play me on Saturday Night Live, which meant I could have fucked Jennifer Anniston and Angelina Jolie if I had wanted to. I declined, for obvious reasons (they’re both old and Botox-y). In hindsight, I wish they had cast Ben Affleck instead because then I would have had access to J-Lo’s luscious booty. Who knew she…
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Divine Advice For Ben Affleck 2.0

Dear DA, The Rock wants to beat me up, and it’s not like I’m afraid of him or anything, but you’ve got to help me. The truth is, I could totally kick his ass, but I can’t risk using my karate on him. I’m actually a double black belt, so I’m not even really allowed to fight him. The whole thing started because of Derek Jeter. I was on the ESPYs with him and he was taller than me, and that’s a problem. First of all, it’s rude. Doesn’t that guy have enough already? Secondly, I’ve kind of been lying about my height. I’m already tall, but everyone lies, so everyone else has to lie or it doesn’t make any sense. If I’m supposedly 6’4” and Jeter is 6’3” and he’s taller than me, the entire facade begins to crumble. I tried to talk some sense into him and out…
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Divine Advice For Matt Damon 10

Dear DA, I notice you chastising people for not asking questions, while at the same time you never bother to answer any of the questions anymore anyway. As a Catholic, I completely understand religion being full of hypocrisy and insane contradictions, but as me, Matt Damon, who isn’t really religious at all, I think it’s a crock, and that you guys are big jerks. You heard me—jerks. It took guts for me to open up and share all of my problems, and you never helped me at all. I still randomly scream “Monkeys!” by the way, thanks a lot for helping me out with that one, it’s only been two and a half years. My wife left me because of it, or at least that’s what she claims. It’s a pretty sweet deal for her. $100 million for writing and starring in that movie about janitors, the other one where…
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Divine Advice For Matt Damon 5

Dear DA, What a year, am I right? I hosted Saturday Night Live, I fit an entire pear in my mouth, and I think I managed to undo some of the damage I caused by suggesting there’s a difference between eye-rape, grope-rape, and rape-rape. As a 100% CIS white heteronormative male, I should just shut the hell up and hide myself under a shawl like an arab lady. When Ben Affleck and I are out in public together, I cover myself in a shawl, walk three feet behind him, and keep my eyes to the floor. What I’m trying to say is that I’ve learned my lesson. And Mary Poppins–have you seen the new Mary Poppins? She’s freakin hot now. I had a dream about her last night, she was beating me with her umbrella and cramming pears down my throat. It was the most powerful orgasm I’ve ever had.…
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Divine Advice For Casey Affleck

Dear DA, Do you remember my sex scandal or whatever it was? Neither do I. The problem with these things is that they’re too many of them, it’s difficult to keep track and some of us get lost in the shuffle. But it’s better that 100 guilty men go free than one innocent man is punished. Or something like that, but I think they were talking about hanging people back then. Another problem, especially with guys like me, is that you kind of blame the victim. You can’t help it. I look douchey enough that you take one look at me and think yeah, she should’ve seen that one coming. It’s like when they show domestic disputes on Cops. You feel sorry for the woman until you see her boyfriend is some shirtless drunk hick with a mullet (they’re always shirtless). She saw that guy and decided he was boyfriend…
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Divine Advice For Average Joe (Matt Damon in Disguise)

Dear DA, I feel like I kind of monopolize you guys. I keep writing in and you must be sick of me. So this time I’m wearing a disguise so you won’t know it’s me. I’m just an average everyday guy asking an average everyday question that all guys can relate to. If you were in love with Ben Affleck for 25 years but stuck in the friendzone, how would you get yourself out? I’ve tried everything. Exercise, cocaine, spandex, orgies. I figured I might be able to sneak in during an orgy, but the Bat Cave is well guarded. I call it the Bat Cave because like most average guys, the guy I have a crush on played Batman in a major motion picture. You’ve gotta help me. I’m not getting any younger. Truth be told, I’m actually already 67 years old. All those Bourne movies where I’m muscled…
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Divine Advice For Matt Damon Part III

Dear DA, I read the letter from Tom Hanks last week and now I’m worried. If I had known then what I know now, I never would’ve played an Asian man. I would have insisted that a differently abled person got the role. The same with Good Will Hunting. Those guys are hard to find, especially one who’s an actor, but I would have insisted that Ben and I be replaced by real homosexuals. It was wrong for Ben Affleck and me, Matt Damon, who are both 100% heterosexual, to play gay people. And my lord and satan, what was I thinking doing Stuck on You? I should have insisted that real conjoined twins be attached to Greg Kinnear for six months. I might still insist on that now. Greg Kinnear is one of the most specially abled people I know. So of course I want you to help me…
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Divine Advice For The Batman

I don’t know how to say this so I’m just going to come right out and say it. For most of my adult life, I’ve been dressing up as a giant bat at night to go out and fight with clowns. I say clowns plural because, well, clowns are kind of hard to tell apart. This was the whole reason for my no killing rule. The first time I went out, I basically murdered an innocent clown. I’m also color blind, so that doesn’t help at all. Clowns are a lot tougher than they look. A lot tougher. The Joker, the main clown I fight with, started out as a circus clown. I know he has a lot of other origin stories, but trust me, I know. He was just a regular circus clown, and I guess being a circus clown is a pretty lousy job. In addition to being…
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Divine Advice For Ben Affleck

I am very upset and frustrated! For some reason, there have been a lot of rumors circulating around Hollywood that I am gay. I just don’t get it! I’m as Hetero as they come! First, let me say how much I respect ALL people, but especially those who are in the LGBTQ community. In fact, I have a ton of Gay friends, like my dear friend, John Travolta. John and I spend a lot of time together, and while he is definitely gay, I can assure you that I am not. Seriously, though, why are there so many gay rumors about me? Am I being gay when John Travolta and I engage in anal sex? Of course not! That’s just a couple of buddies “horsin around”. Was I being gay the time that I gave John Travolta a blow job and took his balls to my chin so many times…
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