Tag Archive: Amber Heard

Divine Advice For Ivanka Trump 2

Dear DA, Generic blondes? You’d kill 100 people to get any one of our “generic” blonde asses. Jesus, I know people in your time were filthy and short, so I’m probably way too tall for you. And clean. And luscious. Unlike most people, I don’t have a soul, so you have no leverage over me, and I will be president in 2024. Think about the average American, then think about me and Kamala Harris, and do the math. I’m Hitler’s wet dream. A proud, beautiful Aryan woman. And as great as my dad was, I’m smarter than him, and he’s a premature ejaculator. Even me vs AOC. She’s got a great rack, and I would do her, but me vs her? America likes “generic” blondes. For a couple of single guys, you are incredibly arrogant. So you wouldn’t want to fuck Blake Lively? Or Amber Heard? They could commit genocide,…
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Divine Advice For Amber Heard

Dear DA, I’m so hot, most guys would pay me $50 to spit in their face and stomp on their nuts. As far as chopping off pieces of finger, or pooping on beds, who’s to say he wasn’t into it? Marriage is complicated. Sure I’m about the same size, over 20 years younger, and in much better shape than him, but he’s a man, so I’m the victim. Even though he was kind of a bitch. He’s even worse than my new girlfriend, who I’ve also had to slap around a little. She looks all meek and innocent, but the constant bitching and moaning when all I want to do is relax and watch my stories drives me crazy, and I’ve warned her 100 times. Men have said this about hitting women, and I’m going to say it about Johnny and men in general. Sometimes, they deserve to be hit.…
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Divine Advice For Nicolas Cage

Dear DA, I know I seem like a buffoon for spending all of my money on alpacas and Hyundai Elantras so the alpacas can have demolition derbys in the Elantras to entertain the many fine and strange prostitutes that inhabit each of my many mansions, but it’s like you said, it’s harder for a rich man to get into heaven than to dry hump a camel through the eye of the needle, dude. So I blow all my money and think of it as an investment in my angel’s wings. After all, you can’t take it with you (can you?) and I have my earthly needs. Ghost Rider should have been in that movie with Thanos. I was actually banking on it, as that would have been truer to the comics, but those Disney people screwed me. That mouse has got teeth. Everyone warned me, but I didn’t listen. So…
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Divine Advice For Johnny Depp

Dear DA, Somehow my life of drinking, smoking, drugs, gunplay, gambling, spousal abuse, and general irresponsibility has led me to ruin. I’m broke, I’m alone, and I’ve been marked as a wife beater, which is probably the worst thing of all nowadays. Despite all of the problems she caused me, I still miss Amber. Have you seen how hot she is? Do you know what’s it like to have a woman that hot and then not have her? It’s worse than never having her in the first place. I’m not lying about her punching me in the face, but what I failed to mention is that I get off on it. It reminds me of growing up with my mom. My mom used to beat me with belts and shoes, she even threw a toaster at me once. I know this is no excuse for anything, but I want to…
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