RK Galaga
June 26, 2017
Divine Advice
Dear Divine Advice, I was secretly fucking Rebecca Howe all along while they were filming Cheers. I feel guilty because the audience always was rooting for me to fuck her, but I really was the whole time. Hmm, now I’m even more confused. I enjoyed fucking her, so I don’t feel guilty about that, I suppose I feel guilty about not telling the audience. Yes, I feel guilty about that…and I have a feeling that I caused Kirstie Alley to become a Scientologist. More Confused Than Ever, Sam Malone Dear Ted Danson, Your guilt is justified. Not only are you the reason Kirstie Allie became a Scientologist, but you are also the reason she became fat, and the reason Veronica’s Closet was such a shitty show. At this point, there’s only one way you can make this right, and that is to lay your cock out on an anvil and…
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H. Seitz
June 24, 2017
Fiction
Chonken 55, Kentucky Fried Chicken, KFC
Paul sat hunched over a microscope, he was examining a sampling of the ants that had recently invaded his apartment. He removed and replaced slide after slide, meticulously examined antennae, eye, segment. After half an hour he admitted he knew nothing about ants. He would be better off taking pictures and posting them online, but how to take a picture of an ant? Would you just zoom in, or would it be better to take a picture through a microscope? Paul realized he knew nothing about taking pictures, he was wasting his time, he always wasted his time like this, he cared enough to wonder and waste time, but not enough to learn. A tapping on his door disrupted his thoughts and the door popped open. “Paul!” Lenny was panting. “Why do you bother knocking if you’re just going to barge in anyway?” Paul tried to remember what he’d been…
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H. Seitz
June 19, 2017
Divine Advice
Batfleck, Ben Affleck, Dead Man on Campus, Jesus Christ, Lucifer, Mark Paul Gosselaar, Matt Damon, Roger Ailes, Satan, Saved By The Bell
Dear Divine Advice, I would like to end my life, but I still want to be allowed into heaven. What exactly constitutes suicide? Blowing my brains out would obviously be suicide, but what about jaywalking or buying a motorcycle and just waiting for the inevitable? If I got so used to jaywalking that I wasn’t even thinking about suicide when I finally got creamed, would that still be suicide? And if it’s all about intent, what about people who attempt suicide and fail? Do they go to hell if they forget to ask for forgiveness before they die naturally, assuming they’ve lived an otherwise decent life? Or what about a fat guy who’s doctor tells him he’s going to die if he doesn’t stop eating pork rinds, but he keeps eating them anyway even though he knows his doctor is probably right? What happens to him when he dies? Last…
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RK Galaga
June 12, 2017
Divine Advice
Dear Jesus and Satan, I decided I want to convert to Scientology. The problem is, I don’t know how I’m going to tell my father. I mean, he’s like the head honcho where I’m from, so this is really going to break his heart. But I recently watched Top Gun, and man, Tom Cruise is so cool in it. And then just the other day he announced that they’re making a sequel! That can’t be a coincidence, right? It HAS to be a sign. Anyway, I feel like my Thetans are out of wack and they need to be fixed or whatever. I really don’t know anything about Scientology, to be honest. I know there are aliens, which is pretty cool. And volcanoes. Also, I’m hoping I’ll get a chance to fuck Kirstie Alley. She’s really sexy, and I’m guessing she’s pretty desperate these days. So yeah, what should I…
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RK Galaga
May 29, 2017
Divine Advice
Who’s hotter? Mona from Who’s the Boss? Or Blanche from The Golden Girls? Why did Hollywood do away with the slutty older woman as a comedic device? Fondly, Deeply Troubled Dear DT, Mona’s hotter, hands down. But I’m going to argue semantics with your premise here a little bit. I would say that, within the context of The Golden Girls, Blanche would not be considered “older.” She was by far the youngest of the main stars of that show, and I think that is why the writers chose to make her the slutty one. Plus, as a Southern Belle with the name “Blanche,” she was clearly supposed to be a reference to Blanche Dubois in A Streetcar Named Desire. Now, in the play, Blanche is the slutty older sister, a has-been passed her prime, but hardly what you would call “old.” I would also argue that Blanche wasn’t even meant…
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RK Galaga
May 22, 2017
Divine Advice
Bella, Chris Hemsworth, Jesus, Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Rupert Sanders, Satan, Snow White and the Huntsman, Thor
Dear Divine Advice, I’ve done something horrible and I don’t know what to do about it. While working on the forgettable movie Snow White and the Huntsman, I cheated on my boyfriend Robert Pattinson with married director Rupert Sanders. We got drunk and I let him fuck my brains out. It was fun at the time, but afterwards I felt really guilty. I made a public apology to Robert, and he’s agreed to give me one more chance, but I can tell I’ll never fully regain his trust. Also, now I sort of want to fuck Thor, my co-star in Snow White and the Huntsman. I probably shouldn’t, though, right? I mean Thor’s married, too. What do you guys think? Sincerely, Kristen Stewart Dear Bella, Unless you’re a U.S. Congressman, adultery is one of those things I come down pretty hard on. Now I know you and Robert weren’t married,…
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RK Galaga
May 8, 2017
Divine Advice
Anton LaRey, Bible, cannibal, Jesus, Satan, Satanic Bible
Dear Jesus and Satan, Yesterday I ate a guy. I wasn’t even, like, in a plane crash in the mountains or anything. I just saw a guy who looked tasty and then I ate him. Should I not have done that? Both the regular Bible and the Satanic Bible are unclear on the subject. Sincerely, A Cannibal Dear Cannibal, Short answer: You shouldn’t have eaten the guy. Please don’t eat any more people. The only “human flesh” you should ever eat is mine, when you make Communion on Sundays. I know, I know—it’s not the same. Little stale crackers aren’t very satisfying when you crave flesh, but that’s the way it is. You know, I asked Luke to put a bit in his gospel about how you shouldn’t eat people, but somehow it didn’t make it in there. It’s probably too late to edit it now, seeing as how everyone’s already…
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RK Galaga
April 24, 2017
Divine Advice
Dwayne The Rock Johnson, Hercules, Hulk Hogan, Jesus, Kellyanne Conway, Leviticus, Satan, The Attitude Era, WrestleMania 18
Dear Divine Advice, I’ve always been true to my Hulkamaniacs, sticking to the Four Demandments: train hard, say your prayers, take your vitamins, and always believe in yourself. All of my success—both inside and outside the squared circle—depended on me following these rules. But something has just happened that is causing me to question everything. Yesterday, I saw The Fate of the Furious at the local multiplex. It was an IMAX 3-D version on the biggest screen in LA, and it was awesome. Definitely the best movie I’ve seen since Babe II: Pig in the City. Anyway, last night I had a very upsetting dream about Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in which he was pounding my asshole with his huge cock, all the while yelling “Smell what The Rock is cookin! Smell what The Rock is cookin!” When I woke up this morning I was covered in my own jizz.…
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H. Seitz
April 21, 2017
Fiction
9/11 conspiracy, Alex Jones, infowars, truther
Melvin scrolled through his Facebook feed and shook his head. How could people be so blind? He wanted to scream it from the rooftops, but it was difficult to discuss these things person to person. Out in the real world who knows what might happen? And it just didn’t seem polite. He took a deep breath and started to type. He didn’t know it, but the feeling of being heard, of standing up for your beliefs, felt like getting high. The anticipation of attention made him high. He tingled as he typed. 9/11 was an inside job, the Twin Towers were brought down by controlled demolition, it’s obvious to anyone who sees the footage but none of you wants to see! The globalists have you all hypnotized, you believe whatever the mass media feeds you. Wake up! How could people not see the plain truth right in front of their…
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H. Seitz
April 17, 2017
Divine Advice
Environmental Protection Agency, EPA, Scott Pruitt
photo by Gage Skidmore
Dear DA, I have to confess that my faith has been shaken. I don’t trust scientists or the government, but lately I’ve been forced to deal with both. The government people got fed up with me and now I mainly talk with the scientists. It started with these memos and reports they gave me, the information couldn’t possibly be true! They gave me books to help me to understand, but those books might as well have been in Chinese. I ended up with this book titled My First Science Book, and that I could understand, but I still didn’t buy any of it. The book said, among other things, that fish are a kind of animal, and I’m pretty sure the bible says that they aren’t, but these scientists tricked me I think, they pretty much proved to me that fish are animals, I was convinced for a few hours…
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