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Divine Advice For Linda Hamilton
November 3, 2019 @ 8:00 AM - 5:00 PM
Does anyone actually give a shit about Terminator movies anymore?
I get what they’re trying to do by hauling my withered old carcass front and center. I’m one of the OG “empowered” females. Nevermind that in Terminator 2 I was basically a demented gun nut with PTSD who had abandoned her child. I could have pretended to be sane and kept him, but my character was legitimately crazy by any metric. Even if there really were killer robots from the future, would you trust a woman like that to raise a child? Something about her screams “Trump supporter.”
No one cares about the Star Wars movies either. I predict this Terminator movie, Star Wars 9 (9!), and the Avatar sequels are all going to suck.
We’ve reached a point as a society where we have nothing new left to offer. We’re emotionally and culturally bankrupt. Movie plots are decided by whatever the most popular YouTube predictions happen to be. In frantically trying to please everyone, we end up pleasing no one, except for the super-woke SJWs. They’ll “enjoy” Terminator 6 or whatever it is because it has the guts to star an old lady and a giant bull dyke. “It’s about time!” is what they’ll say, nevermind that the picture is complete crap.
You know what was a good movie? The Lost City of Z. But it’s about white colonial oppressors, and it doesn’t have any lightsabers or robots or Thanos, so no one cares.
America will be over soon anyway. Maybe the Chinese will do better.
Dear James Cameron’s Ex-Wife,
Your letter is the worst one we’ve ever received in terms of ignoring the intended purpose of this column. You didn’t ask a single question. Technically, I guess you asked me if I knew what a good movie was, but that doesn’t count. For the record, Mary Poppins is the only good movie ever made, and aside from the problematic scenes with Dick Van Dyke in blackface, it still holds up. But let’s get back to the issue at hand. You, like the previous few assholes who have written to us, seem to be under the impression that we’re here to publish personal essays of has-beens that no longer have an audience. It’s not my fault that you got old and ugly and nobody gives a shit about what you think anymore. Of course, as a woman in Hollywood, nobody ever gave a shit about what you thought. It’s a shitty industry, what can I say? If I was one of those “hands-on” deities like Vishnu or Thor, I might actually get off my ass and do something about it. But if I’m not going to stop the wildfires in your backyard, or solve global warming, or take down Trump and his evil Republican horde, what makes you think I’m going to bother getting involved in your petty social problems? If all you want to do is bitch and moan, you should start your own damn blog and stop bothering us here on ours. The only reason we decided to publish your letter at all is so it can serve as a warning. To all of you B-listers, desperate politicians, Me-too fuck-ups and entitled blow-hards: this is an advice column. If you have a question about turning your fucked-up lives around, by all means, please feel free to drop us a line. If you just want to hear yourselves talk, then fuck off. The next one of you assholes who writes in without a question is going to get your genitals mutilated by rabid wolverines.
Boy, this is embarrassing. I think I accidentally fucked your twin sister Leslie last night. Normally I can tell twins apart, but I was drunk. Really drunk. What I’d really like to do is fuck both of you at the same time. Is that on the table? I remember creating that fantasy in the minds of human males just to mess with them—that fantasy of fucking twins. Why would anyone think two siblings would want to be involved in a sex act together just because they look the same? I guess incest is its own niche, and twincest is just a sub-genre. To each their own. In my case, I just have a Terminator fetish. I’ve fucked everyone in the cast many times. I popped Eddie Furlong’s cherry at the tender age of 25. He wanted to wait until marriage so I possessed his cougar-ish agent and bided my time until he was ready. Furlong has a weird dick. It’s three-pronged like a plug. I’m not sure how he’s able to piss—probably sitting down. Or maybe he can only do it in the shower. I lived with him for many years, you’d think I’d know these things.
When it comes to fucking Schwarzenegger, I like to be a bottom. He’s got that shriveled steroid dick, so I barely feel it. To be honest, he’s better in the sack now than when he was in his 30’s. Maybe it’s all the practice he got with his children’s nannies.
Of the female cast members, I thought you were my favorite until I had your sister. She’s just a little softer, a little less angular. Interestingly enough, when she was riding my hog, she screamed out the name “James.” Do you know what that’s about? I always assumed your marriage to Cameron ended after he made The Titanic and he felt it was time to upgrade to a younger, sexier starlet. But maybe he just fucked your sister. For the eternal life of me, I can’t figure out why you humans would even care about something like that, but most of you seem to.
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to firstname.lastname@example.org, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.