Food Review: Tide Pods

What the Fuck is wrong with the Youth of America? I mean seriously…these little fucktards and their God Damned Tide Pods. I mean what the fuck???? They’re eating Detergent. Jesus Fuck!!! Yes, JESUS FUCK.   I swear to fucking God if one of my little fucktard kids eats a Fucking Tide Pod, I will fucking Shit myself!!! In my day it was “Whip Its”, and we turned out just fine. Fuck my face!! Oh, how I miss those days! We weren’t hurting anyone, just getting high off of some fucking Whipped Cream! These Little Fuckwits are just too fucking stupid. WHO EATS FUCKING DETERGENT!!!!!!!!   I tell you what, let’s see what the rage is all about, ok? I’ll give you one thing, they look very tasty, and that fucking weird exterior feels pretty amazing in my hands. Should I lick it? Hmm, you know what? It’s not bad. That…
Read more

Share this post:

Food Review: All-Bran Buds, The “Butt Hurt” Cereal

“The butt hurt cereal” This is supposed to be an article about my favorite cereal. It’s not. It’s about the funniest thing I ever saw on a cereal box. All Bran Bran Buds used to have this on the top flap (I think) of the box “A lighter, happier feeling is waiting for you inside” because you know, bran makes you poop…A LOT. And frequent, good poops are the new high. I never knew that saying was on there until my sister told me and then I seen it with my own eyes. It made me giggle and from then on I had a new appreciation for Kellogs. The bran buds taste like shit but they shared poop humor with me! But now, a few years later, there’s no more saying on the box. Why?? Did a bunch of tight-assed old ladies complain? Did Sanctimommies get their goddamned hands all…
Read more

Share this post:

Food Review- Lucky Charms

If you are going to eat Lucky Charms, eat it with both milk AND caution. The picture on the box promises many things, but what it actually delivers is sugary sorrow. Upon pouring the puffy oat bits and stiff, dry marshmallows into my bowl, my spirit danced with child-like anticipation. However, after the first bite, I was clobbered in the life with the heavy shovel of reality. The oat bits sliced my gums, and the marshmallows melted my teeth. That’s not to say the taste was bad, because the flavor was actually ridiculously pleasant. Suffice to say if I had to distract a giant with the taste of this cereal so that I could escape his fury, I have confidence that I could free myself. However, taste is not the only reason humans eat cereal. And if the cut gums and ruined chompers weren’t bad enough, there is also the…
Read more

Share this post: