Divine Advice

Divine Advice For Jeff Sessions

Dear Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior and Satan His evil but necessary counterpart, I’m starting to think we bet on the wrong horse. The problem with this latest kids in cages debacle is that we put little kids into cages. The demented harpies who voted for Trump aren’t going to stand for this, seeing little kids suffering makes them weak in the ovaries. And Trump saying it’s the Democrats fault, and then saying an executive order wouldn’t be enough, and then saying congress had to do it, and then caving and signing an executive order anyway. This is a lot to swallow even for a Trump supporter. We’d need a miracle to survive the midterms after this. Or a deal with the Devil. Either way, as long as we Make America Great Again or accomplish whatever the hell it is we’re supposedly doing. We’re a bit short on souls,…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Michael Cohen

Dear DA, I’m screwed. You know the people who when they were kids were always misquoting movies? Who’d tell the same dumb joke or say the same stupid catchphrase over and over again and laugh every time? That kid was me. I’ve always been kind of a wannabe. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a cowboy. Living with nature among all of God’s creatures, sleeping under the stars and cooking beans over a campfire, all of that stuff sounded awful to me. But being able to shoot Indians or Native Americans or really anyone (but it’s easier to get away with it if they’re brown) would have made all of those hardships worth it. Like a lot of college guys, I went through my “The Godfather” and “Scarface” phase. I would repeat those lines about cannolis and saying hello to my little pal to everyone. I was…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Adolf Hitler

Dear DA, Yes, they saved my brain. I’ve been monitoring the earth’s activities from my Nazi Martian Thunderdome and frankly, you people sicken me. Certain earth elements have been comparing me to Donald Trump, so I want to make it absolutely clear right here and right now that the comparison is invalid. To compare me to that draft dodging, fat assed, Russian piss hound buffoon! I got a medical deferral, but I forced my way into serving anyway, I was on the front lines of WW1! I was awarded two Iron Crosses for valor. Zwei! When I see that fat orange baboon blabbering away I want to kick him in the stomach and stomp on his face until his face and his stomach switch places and he looks like the pink, bloated balloon man he is! VERDAMMT SOHN EINER HUNDEN ARSHGEIGE FLACHWICHSER! I hate him! When I get back to…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Roseanne Barr

Dear DA, Americans are nostalgic and they love a comeback, and I’m both. Or at least I was. They liked me so much they thought I was kidding about being a Trump supporter. I guess what the millennials say is true. If you’re a rich, privileged, white woman, you can get away with almost anything, except for showing them what hypocrites they are. They liked me, so they figured I must be one of them. Don’t get me wrong. You’re technically God, so you can’t get me wrong and there’s no point in lying to you. What I tweeted was racist. But is that any reason to shame me? That’s race shaming. They’re making me ashamed of being white. Being a racist I can live with, but being white? I’ll never be able to wear a bikini in public again. If I wasn’t a racist, I might actually be ashamed…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Mark Zuckerberg

Dear DA, Lately I get the feeling that none of my friends are seeing my posts on Facebook, and I don’t think I’m seeing theirs, either. All I get are spammy links to softcore porn and political articles written by Russian hackers. It’s like Facebook has become a never-ending spam folder. When Data built me and my sister Lal, he told me that it was his dream to become more human, but that I shouldn’t even bother trying. So I took his advice and created Facebook. But now, I’m thinking about deleting my account and going back to ham radio. It was such a thrill to finally talk to tweaked out truckers after hours of sifting through static. One time, I even talked to a guy in Switzerland. He was in his basement talking to truckers, too! How is my sister Lal? Of all the souls I have encountered in…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Larry King

Dear DA, I applied to NASA, and do you know what those CIS, heteronormative bastards told me? They told me I was too old, weak, and stupid to be an astronaut. That’s ageist, ableist, and also somehow anti-semitic. All those rumors about Nazis on Mars, I never used to give them much credence, but now I’m not so sure. You want to be an astronaut, it’s just like anything else. You schmooze, smoke cigars with the boys, hang around gin joints yucking it up. It’s all about who you know. Not whether you’re old, weak, or Jewish. Look at Sandy Koufax! (I know, I know, can a Jew go for five minutes without talking about Sandy Koufax?). In his prime, he couldn’t jump over a fire hydrant, but could he have been an astronaut? Probably. He has a 2.93 lifetime ERA. These fakakta astronauts. They want me to piss in…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Taylor Swift 2

Dear DA, I’m incredibly hot for someone who looks inbred. Maybe that actually adds to my hotness, the whole cousin-marryin’, age-of-consent-ignorin’, wish-there-was-still-slavery charm of the south. I know slavery is wrong, but it’s kind of awesome to have slaves. Nowadays we call them personal assistants, but most of them are unpaid interns, so technically, they’re slaves. I whip mine when they move too slow and a few of them seem to get off on it. Have you seen my video for Delicate? I do a split on the hood of a car like Tawny Kitaen. It’s awesome! I also run around NYC barefoot, which in real life would be suicidal. Anyway, I’ve had a lot of petty feuds. A lot of them. And there’s a saying, that if you run into one asshole, they’re the asshole, but if everyone’s an asshole, you’re the asshole. But in my case, I think…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Rupert Murdoch

G’day Mates! This is embarrassing. Even for an 87 year old man worth over 15 billion dollars, it’s embarrassing. By some bureaucratic blunderpuffin, I didn’t realize I founded Fox News. All these years, I thought I owned CNN. So I’ve been watching CNN for the last 20 some odd years. The reporting is first rate, mate. Or at least second rate. They aren’t deliberately malicious at least. They try. But I thought they could do better, and I sensed a slight liberal slant. So at every quarterly meeting, I’d tell them (or at least I thought it was them) “Great job, mates! But there’s still a bit of a liberal slant. Try to even it out a bit. Now off ya go!” So year after year, I kept telling them this, until I finally got it all sorted about a year ago. A few months after your Donald Trump was…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Rachel Maddow

Dear DA, I’m basically a more masculine version of Where’s Waldo come to life. But while I don’t stand out in a crowd, I can be difficult to ignore. Especially for birds. Wherever I go, the birds are terrified. They start flapping and clucking or chirping or whatever. Then they fly away. Eventually, everyone flies away. I’ve done a lot of impossible things in my life. My family is very Catholic, but I’m a Rhodes Scholar. And when I was in high school, I could slam dunk a tennis ball. But now, as a 45-year-old lesbian, I feel like my life is missing something. (And it isn’t cock. Don’t you dare say it’s cock.) I’ve got a great career, a great partner, and I’m pretty much right about almost everything. So why do I feel so empty and tortured inside? Am I having a midlife crisis? Hasta la vista, baby,…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For The Fonz

Dear DA, In light of the recent political climate, I am very concerned about my iconic portrayal of the Fonz. Having sex with all those teenage girls in the garage of some kid I bullied, heyyy!. This is America. Nothing wrong with that. But my treatment of jukeboxes troubles me. Is this AI thing for real? And will the robots realize that I’m just an actor, that I had no choice but to hit those machines? If I had known then what I know now, I would have snapped my fingers at the jukeboxes and hit the teenage girls instead. Like a normal adult pretending to be a teenager in the 50s. Heyyy! I’m concerned because the AI might learn from the Fonz that this is the best way to solve your problems. Something not obeying you or doing what you want it to? Thwack! And here comes that sweet…
Read more

Share this post: