Divine Advice

Divine Advice For Herbie the Love Bug

Dear Divine Advice, I was raised Catholic, and was told growing up that there was no such thing as ghosts (aside from The Holy Spirit, of course). However, one day I woke up to find my spirit possessing a 1985 Volkswagen Beatle. I’m not quite sure how I got here, and I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to do now. Is my new purpose to help a young boy win a race or the love of a young girl he’s sweet on, or is it to avenge my own death. And while we’re on the subject, I don’t remember my own death. Shall I assume I was hit by this car? I need answers! Sincerely, Herbie the Love Bug Dear Herbie the Love Bug, Apparently, you neglected to look in your glove compartment, where I left you a note explaining your mission. Every once in a while, we decide…
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Divine Advice For Matt Damon

Dear Divine Advice, I really need some help. I should probably see a psychologist but I lost my job, I don’t have any health insurance, I’m not even sure if it would’ve covered a psychologist anyway. The good news is I can still write letters. Anyway, it started about two weeks ago. I stepped into a giant pile of dogshit and screamed “MONKEYS!” Kind of a weird thing to scream in that situation. My friends laughed at me, we were all pretty drunk, it just seemed kind of random. But the next day, my friend Lucy said hello to me and instead of saying hello back I screamed “MONKEYS!” She looked at me funny, I tried to apologize but when I opened my mouth I screamed “MONKEYS!” again, I had to put my hand over my mouth to stop screaming “MONKEYS!”. That episode passed, but in the days to follow…
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Divine Advice For Mark Twain

Dear Divine Advice, Is there any way I could commit suicide and still be allowed into heaven? Or at least cat heaven? And does suicide automatically send me to hell, or is there a chance I’d end up in purgatory? And lastly, and I don’t mean to sound suspicious, but please just tell me the truth, am I already in hell or purgatory? It seems a lot like purgatory most of the time, except I still seem to be getting older, I still need to eat, use the toilet, etc. Do you guys still use the toilet? Sincerely, Mark Twain Dear Mark Twain, I’ll be straight with you here. There was a mix-up with your paperwork and you ended up in purgatory. Unfortunately, since I am technically perfect and incapable of making mistakes, what’s done cannot be undone. Better get comfortable, because your assignment is permanent. Sorry about that. We’d…
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Divine Advice For Wannabe Duck

This week’s question was submitted by one of our readers. Dear Divine Advice, I no longer want to be a human, I want to be a duck. Please allow me to turn myself into a duck so I may live my life in the swamps of Florida as a duck. I want a corkscrew penis. Sincerely, —A Wannabe Duck. Dear Wannabe Duck, Unfortunately, my Jesus powers don’t work like that. I can either turn you into a cartoon duck that wears a shirt but no pants and has no genitals at all, OR I can give you a corkscrew penis without turning you into a duck—but not both. Before making your choice, keep in mind the pros and cons of each lifestyle. Cartoon ducks are able to withstand shotgun blasts to the face that spin their beaks around to the back of their head, but they often have crippling speech…
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Divine Advice For Divine Dreamer

Dear Divine Advice, Last night, I had a crazy dream, and I’m hoping you might help me figure out what it means. It started with me on a date with Zombie Mother Teresa. We were watching Driving Miss Daisy in the local movie house, and at some point we both reached into the popcorn bucket at the same time. Our hands touched, and suddenly we were both overcome with lust. I looked into her milky pupil-less eyes, and the next thing I know, we’re naked on the sticky floor, fucking like a couple of wild dogs. Then the guy in the row in front of us turns around, and I see that it’s Pope Francis. Embarrassed, I immediately stop thrusting and pull out of Zombie Mother Teresa. But then realize that the Pope is actually smiling at us. He stands up and I see that he, too, is naked, with…
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Divine Advice For Nancy Pelosi

Dear Divine Advice, I just started watching The Americans and I love it, but Felicity really scares me nowadays. Why is she so angry and violent? Does it have anything to do with Ben? And did that stuff really happen with Russia, was the Soviet Union an actual thing? It seems like if the Soviet Union was really like that, Ben and Felicity would have gotten really fat after moving to America, like those Eastern European hockey players who defected in the 70s.I tried to ask my husband about this and he just looked at me like I was crazy. What should I do? And why did Felicity cut her hair? Is that why she’s been away for so long? Sincerely, Nancy Pelosi Dear Nancy Pelosi, I have to be honest, you seem like a real bitch. Those Eastern European hockey players that defected in the 70’s you mentioned are…
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Divine Advice for MILF Lover

Image by Illusive Photography, www.flickr.com/photos/alanant

Dear Jesus and Satan, I’m a freshman over at Barrington High and recently I did something I’m not too proud of—I accidentally got my best friend Tommy’s mom arrested by telling all the other guys at school that she had sex with me. I know it was wrong, but Mrs. Butterfield is really hot, and you should have seen how impressed the guys were. Except for Tommy, of course. Anyway, I had many chances to come clean, but once the police got involved, it became harder and harder to tell the truth. Thankfully there’s no physical evidence to put her in jail, but now Child Protective Services is watching Tommy’s house just in case. I feel really bad about this. Mrs. Butterfield is a great mom, raising Tommy all by herself ever since Tommy’s dad was run over by that steamroller a few years. I don’t want Tommy to end…
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Divine Advice For Alarming Thoughts

Image By Trevor Butcher

Dear Jesus and Satan, I’ve been married to the same man for 9 years, and for the most part, it’s been great. He always holds the door for me when I’m carrying groceries into the house, he always puts the toilet seat down, he tells me I’m beautiful at least 3 times a month—basically everything a wife could ask for in a husband. Physically, though, he’s been letting himself go. While I’ve held up my end by spending hours at the gym, getting Botox, fake tits and ab implants, he’s gained 60 lbs, lost his hair and stopped shaving regularly. Until recently, I’ve managed to be OK with this, mainly by relying on my rich imagination (I close my eyes and pretend he’s George Clooney while we’re having sex). Lately however, I’ve been having these disturbingly violent thoughts. I’ll look at Ted while he’s on the couch playing Halo (which…
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Divine Advice For The Catman

Photo by Kai, Outfit by Maddy Joy Cosplay

Dear Divine Advice, My cat Lucy lost her collar while she was out, and now she looks naked to me. I already have a strong emotional attachment to Lucy, and while I’m not sexually attracted to her per say, I am very lonely, and ever since she lost her collar I can’t help thinking to myself about how ladylike she looks.when she’s licking herself or strutting about. What would Donald Trump do in my situation, and based on that, should I vote for Donald Trump? Please help me! Sincerely, The Catman Dear Catman, What Donald Trump would do in this situation should be pretty obvious to anyone who has been following the news lately. That said, what you should really be asking yourself is “what would Jesus do?” In this case, I can tell you exactly what I’d do—I’d flog myself. In my day, there were always plenty of Roman…
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Divine Advice For Stereotypical Tech Illiterate Dad

Dear Divine Advice, I suspected that my 15 year old son Rob had started smoking pot, so I looked through his phone while he was in the shower. I found a video in his Dropbox of him and a girl doing bong hits and having sex. The girl, whoever she is, looks exactly like a younger version of my wife, which I found disturbing but also kind of arousing. I started masterbating and Rob almost caught me when he barged into the den looking for his phone. He saw me masterbating, but not what I was materbating to or that I had his phone. So my question is this: how do you delete the browsing history on Safari? The phone is an iphone 6 and I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m a PC person and have never had to deal with Safari before. . Thanks, —Stereotypical Tech Illiterate…
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