Divine Advice

Divine Advice For Very Confused

This week’s Divine Advice was submitted by one of our readers. Dear Divine Advice, Amy Poehler is not Sexy. What can I do? Fondly, Very Confused Dear Very Confused, I’m not sure why you capitalized the “S” in sexy, but I get what you’re saying. The reason I decided to make her unsexy is I was just sick of everyone thinking that blond chicks had to be sexy all the time. For once, I wanted to make a blond that was appreciated for her mind and sense of humor instead of her looks. Ha, I’m kidding, of course. She’s not smart or funny either. To be honest, I let the “baby Jesus” version of myself make her, and that was just the best he could do. Hey, cut the lil’ guy some slack—he’s still learnin’. Anyway, you asked what you can do. Not much really, except…well, this is going to…
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Divine Advice For Scardey Cat

Dear DA, I was googling porn at work, nothing too crazy, just things like “white shit”, “donkey dildo”, and ” mega anal.” After a couple hours, I got an email telling me that I was a pervert, and it was signed “Sincerely, Google.” Does this mean that Google is God now? And if so, is the mighty Google good or evil? I tried to google these questions but I didn’t get a definitive answer. I’m afraid to use Google now, what should I do? Also, there’s this new movie I’ve heard about called Beauty and the Beast. I’m assuming it’s rated X and that I’ll love it, but like I said, I’m afraid to use Google. So what do you think? Is it worth $15? Sincerely, —Scaredy Cat Pervert Dear Scaredy Cat Pervert, If Superman was still around, I’d command him to throw you into the sun. And it is…
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Divine Advice for Comic Book Sexy Dude 69

Dear Divine Advice, I’ve been reading your column since the early 90’s. If I remember correctly, didn’t it used to be advice from Superman and Lex Luthor? Whatever happened to those guys? Sincerely, —Comicbooksexydude69 Dear Comicbooksexydude69, Superman and Lex Luthor did fill in for us for a few months back in the early 90’s, I was in serious need of some personal time. Being The All Powerful All Knowing King of Heaven and Earth can be stressful. In any case, I had to let Superman and Lex Luthor go, primarily because of Superman. If you haven’t already noticed, Superman doesn’t exactly have the largest skill set when it comes to solving problems. He either punches his problems really hard, burns his problems with his heat vision, or throws his problems into outer space, and Lex Luthor always agreed with him. There was never any conflict, and that makes for dull…
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Divine Advice For Herbie the Love Bug

Dear Divine Advice, I was raised Catholic, and was told growing up that there was no such thing as ghosts (aside from The Holy Spirit, of course). However, one day I woke up to find my spirit possessing a 1985 Volkswagen Beatle. I’m not quite sure how I got here, and I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to do now. Is my new purpose to help a young boy win a race or the love of a young girl he’s sweet on, or is it to avenge my own death. And while we’re on the subject, I don’t remember my own death. Shall I assume I was hit by this car? I need answers! Sincerely, Herbie the Love Bug Dear Herbie the Love Bug, Apparently, you neglected to look in your glove compartment, where I left you a note explaining your mission. Every once in a while, we decide…
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Divine Advice For Matt Damon

Dear Divine Advice, I really need some help. I should probably see a psychologist but I lost my job, I don’t have any health insurance, I’m not even sure if it would’ve covered a psychologist anyway. The good news is I can still write letters. Anyway, it started about two weeks ago. I stepped into a giant pile of dogshit and screamed “MONKEYS!” Kind of a weird thing to scream in that situation. My friends laughed at me, we were all pretty drunk, it just seemed kind of random. But the next day, my friend Lucy said hello to me and instead of saying hello back I screamed “MONKEYS!” She looked at me funny, I tried to apologize but when I opened my mouth I screamed “MONKEYS!” again, I had to put my hand over my mouth to stop screaming “MONKEYS!”. That episode passed, but in the days to follow…
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Divine Advice For Mark Twain

Dear Divine Advice, Is there any way I could commit suicide and still be allowed into heaven? Or at least cat heaven? And does suicide automatically send me to hell, or is there a chance I’d end up in purgatory? And lastly, and I don’t mean to sound suspicious, but please just tell me the truth, am I already in hell or purgatory? It seems a lot like purgatory most of the time, except I still seem to be getting older, I still need to eat, use the toilet, etc. Do you guys still use the toilet? Sincerely, Mark Twain Dear Mark Twain, I’ll be straight with you here. There was a mix-up with your paperwork and you ended up in purgatory. Unfortunately, since I am technically perfect and incapable of making mistakes, what’s done cannot be undone. Better get comfortable, because your assignment is permanent. Sorry about that. We’d…
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Divine Advice For Wannabe Duck

This week’s question was submitted by one of our readers. Dear Divine Advice, I no longer want to be a human, I want to be a duck. Please allow me to turn myself into a duck so I may live my life in the swamps of Florida as a duck. I want a corkscrew penis. Sincerely, —A Wannabe Duck. Dear Wannabe Duck, Unfortunately, my Jesus powers don’t work like that. I can either turn you into a cartoon duck that wears a shirt but no pants and has no genitals at all, OR I can give you a corkscrew penis without turning you into a duck—but not both. Before making your choice, keep in mind the pros and cons of each lifestyle. Cartoon ducks are able to withstand shotgun blasts to the face that spin their beaks around to the back of their head, but they often have crippling speech…
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Divine Advice For Divine Dreamer

Dear Divine Advice, Last night, I had a crazy dream, and I’m hoping you might help me figure out what it means. It started with me on a date with Zombie Mother Teresa. We were watching Driving Miss Daisy in the local movie house, and at some point we both reached into the popcorn bucket at the same time. Our hands touched, and suddenly we were both overcome with lust. I looked into her milky pupil-less eyes, and the next thing I know, we’re naked on the sticky floor, fucking like a couple of wild dogs. Then the guy in the row in front of us turns around, and I see that it’s Pope Francis. Embarrassed, I immediately stop thrusting and pull out of Zombie Mother Teresa. But then realize that the Pope is actually smiling at us. He stands up and I see that he, too, is naked, with…
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Divine Advice For Nancy Pelosi

Dear Divine Advice, I just started watching The Americans and I love it, but Felicity really scares me nowadays. Why is she so angry and violent? Does it have anything to do with Ben? And did that stuff really happen with Russia, was the Soviet Union an actual thing? It seems like if the Soviet Union was really like that, Ben and Felicity would have gotten really fat after moving to America, like those Eastern European hockey players who defected in the 70s.I tried to ask my husband about this and he just looked at me like I was crazy. What should I do? And why did Felicity cut her hair? Is that why she’s been away for so long? Sincerely, Nancy Pelosi Dear Nancy Pelosi, I have to be honest, you seem like a real bitch. Those Eastern European hockey players that defected in the 70’s you mentioned are…
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Divine Advice for MILF Lover

Image by Illusive Photography, www.flickr.com/photos/alanant

Dear Jesus and Satan, I’m a freshman over at Barrington High and recently I did something I’m not too proud of—I accidentally got my best friend Tommy’s mom arrested by telling all the other guys at school that she had sex with me. I know it was wrong, but Mrs. Butterfield is really hot, and you should have seen how impressed the guys were. Except for Tommy, of course. Anyway, I had many chances to come clean, but once the police got involved, it became harder and harder to tell the truth. Thankfully there’s no physical evidence to put her in jail, but now Child Protective Services is watching Tommy’s house just in case. I feel really bad about this. Mrs. Butterfield is a great mom, raising Tommy all by herself ever since Tommy’s dad was run over by that steamroller a few years. I don’t want Tommy to end…
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