Author Archive: Ryan Klemek
The Skull Island Times > Articles by: Ryan Klemek
Ryan Klemek
January 22, 2018
Divine Advice
Cheers, Cliff Clavin, Danny DeVito, George Wendt, Jesus, John Ratzenberger, Judith Light, Kathrine Helmond, Kirstie Alley, Normie, R. Kelly, Rhea Perlman, Satan, Ted Danson, Tony Danza, Trapped in the Closet, Who's The Boss
Dear Divine Advice, I have been carrying a huge burden for many years, and it’s time to finally come clean. Once when I was working on “Who’s the Boss”, I smoked a marijuana cigarette. I know, I know….it’s awful, and I am so upset about it. It was right before one of my typical coke-filled orgies with Judith Light and Katherine Helmond, you know “Angela” and “Mona”. Man, I have so many wonderful memories of those gang-bang sessions. Since we were all married at the time, it was even more exciting, and I liked to force the camera folks to record our sessions, just to save the moment. For some reason, Mrs. Rossini…yes, I forget her real name, stumbled upon our session that day, and I believe it was Judith that suggested we chop her up and throw her into the ocean. I’m not sure if it was the cocaine…
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Ryan Klemek
September 25, 2017
Divine Advice
Blair Witch, Confucius, Gandhi, Jesus, Lucifer, Satan
Today’s Divine Advice question was submitted by one of our readers. Dear Divine advice, I know we aren’t on good terms, I am a witch, and I learned that back when I uh developed a little more into womanhood so to speak. I am a water and earth witch, meaning I have a strong connection and bond to the Earth and Sea. I realize how awkward this must be, seeing as I acknowledge you, Jesus, as a human, and Satan as a fallen angel. I don’t really worship you, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be civil and help one another. I digress, Today I had an encounter where some lady tried to tell me that me taking care of the earth and being a friend to the earth is a sin, and that I will burn in hell. I am a witch, so burning is a fate we must…
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Ryan Klemek
July 28, 2016
Movies, Reviews
Alec Baldwin, Anthony Hopkins, Batman, Blown Away, Bruce Campbell, How Did This Get Made, Jack McBrayer, Jeff Bridges, John Lone, Lex Luthor, Magneto, MIchael Keaton, Naomi Watts, Paul Scheer, Penelope Ann MIller, Peter Boyle, Russell Mulcahy, Superman, The Last Emperor, The Shadow, Tim Burton, Tim Curry, Tina Fey, Tommy Lee Jones
“There is no Shadow. If there were, I’d be Eleanor Roosevelt.” That’s an actual thing Jonathan Winters says while under the influence of the Shadow’s Jedi mind powers. The line was likely improvised by the comedic legend in one of his tiny show-stealing moments of screen time. Russell Mulcahy’s underappreciated 1994 masterpiece The Shadow is one of the best comic book movies of all time. Yes, I know—most people would not agree with that statement. The movie was a huge flop at the box office and has since been all but forgotten. The day was Tuesday, July 5, 1994, and my friends and I were embarking on another one of our “Two-for-Tuesday” adventures. That’s where we would pay to see one movie, then hide in the bathroom afterward for a little while before sneaking back into the theater to see a second movie without paying. It wasn’t what you’d call legal,…
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Ryan Klemek
March 8, 2013
Movies, Reviews
Bruce Willis, Channing Tatum, Dwayne The Rock Johnson, G.I. Joe: Retaliation, Ray Parker Jr., Wayans Brothers
I wish this was a review about a movie I made up, but unfortunately G.I.Joe: Retaliation actually exists. True story: a couple of years ago, I was contracted by Hasbro through Kaiju Big Battel to act in a demo film by one of the G.I. Joe toy developers. Apparently, he wanted his latest action figure to appear in the sequel, and that’s how I learned there would be a follow-up to the horrible G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra. I doubt that the designer’s toy ever saw the light of day, and I hope nobody but his immediate boss saw the silly movie we made. Luckily I was wearing a ski mask the whole time, so nobody will recognize me if it ever shows up on Youtube. There are some “fat kid with a light sabre” moments in there that aren’t quite absurd enough to be entertaining. Luckily, it was an…
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