Author Archive: RK Galaga

RK Galaga is the author of “Prehistoric Passion From Mars,” “The Erotic Secrets of Shelley Frankenstein,” “Lust Finds a Way,” and “The Erotic Adventures of Paul Bunyan.”

Divine Advice For The Catman

Photo by Kai, Outfit by Maddy Joy Cosplay

Dear Divine Advice, My cat Lucy lost her collar while she was out, and now she looks naked to me. I already have a strong emotional attachment to Lucy, and while I’m not sexually attracted to her per say, I am very lonely, and ever since she lost her collar I can’t help thinking to myself about how ladylike she looks.when she’s licking herself or strutting about. What would Donald Trump do in my situation, and based on that, should I vote for Donald Trump? Please help me! Sincerely, The Catman Dear Catman, What Donald Trump would do in this situation should be pretty obvious to anyone who has been following the news lately. That said, what you should really be asking yourself is “what would Jesus do?” In this case, I can tell you exactly what I’d do—I’d flog myself. In my day, there were always plenty of Roman…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Stereotypical Tech Illiterate Dad

Dear Divine Advice, I suspected that my 15 year old son Rob had started smoking pot, so I looked through his phone while he was in the shower. I found a video in his Dropbox of him and a girl doing bong hits and having sex. The girl, whoever she is, looks exactly like a younger version of my wife, which I found disturbing but also kind of arousing. I started masterbating and Rob almost caught me when he barged into the den looking for his phone. He saw me masterbating, but not what I was materbating to or that I had his phone. So my question is this: how do you delete the browsing history on Safari? The phone is an iphone 6 and I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m a PC person and have never had to deal with Safari before. . Thanks, —Stereotypical Tech Illiterate…
Read more

Share this post:

Food Review- Lucky Charms

If you are going to eat Lucky Charms, eat it with both milk AND caution. The picture on the box promises many things, but what it actually delivers is sugary sorrow. Upon pouring the puffy oat bits and stiff, dry marshmallows into my bowl, my spirit danced with child-like anticipation. However, after the first bite, I was clobbered in the life with the heavy shovel of reality. The oat bits sliced my gums, and the marshmallows melted my teeth. That’s not to say the taste was bad, because the flavor was actually ridiculously pleasant. Suffice to say if I had to distract a giant with the taste of this cereal so that I could escape his fury, I have confidence that I could free myself. However, taste is not the only reason humans eat cereal. And if the cut gums and ruined chompers weren’t bad enough, there is also the…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice for Distracted Driver

Dear Divine Advice, This is kind of embarrassing, but here goes. I work as an enforcer for a major east coast drug syndicate. I was running late and I wasn’t paying attention to the road as much as I should have been. Long story short: I killed an innocent woman on my way to work. Being who I am and knowing what I know, I ‘took care’ of the body. I just don’t need that kind of attention in my life. Hitting her with my car was an accident, but to tell the honest truth, she wasn’t completely dead after that, so I kind of helped her along. My questions are as follows: is this murder? I’m pretty sure she would’ve died anyway, her body was pretty mangled. Put it this way: if she was a horse or a dog, any decent vet or trainer would have put her down,…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice: Hot For Teecher

Those juicy melons were jiggling in such a way that it appeared as though they were about to bounce right out of her bra and make a break for it. Dear Jesus and Satan, I’ve got a major problem here. Last night at a parent-teacher conference, I accidentally fell in love with my kid’s math teacher and grabbed her tits. Not exactly in that order, but both of those things happened. To be honest, I’m not really sure what came over me. I was sitting across from Miss Allison at her desk as she was beaming about how my son was by far the brightest kid in her class, and the whole time, I just couldn’t stop staring at her cleavage. Her face is pretty, too—nice milky skin, bright red hair, nearly symmetrical eyes, full lips and nerdy hipster glasses. Because she was giving me good news about my kid,…
Read more

Share this post:

Movie Review- Kong: Skull Island

Disclaimer: This website, The Skull Island Times, is in no way affiliated with the film reviewed below. Spoiler alert: King Kong doesn’t die in the end. That should be obvious—unless Kong was a zombie in the original 1933 film. Really, though, nothing is obvious these days. Thanks to directors such as J.J. Abrams, the lines between remake, reboot, prequel and sequel have become so blurred that anything can happen with what we once thought was canonized story material. Anyway, rest assured, King Kong doesn’t die in Kong: Skull Island. But he does get amnesia after being bonked in the head by a giant coconut. Until that point in the film, Kong speaks with a British accent and aspires to move to Hollywood so he can become a movie star. However, after losing his smarts in the coconut accident, he only makes it as far as Detroit. This film is set…
Read more

Share this post:

Movie Review- Burger Time: The Movie

Sometimes Hollywood takes a break from rehashing old movies in order to make movie rehashes of popular video games instead. Most of the time these are based on action games, either involving zombies or big-breasted women with long braids. These modern games have life-like graphics and storyline formats that can keep addicts engaged for so long that they forget how to eat and piss. The stories they tell can easily be adapted into nice boring movies with over-the-top CGI effects. Old-school games, on the other hand, usually just feature a bunch of awkwardly moving shapes performing menial tasks.   These tasks are often so nonsensical that it is hard to imagine how they could be turned into a coherent movie. What you should basically expect is that, aside from the title of the film and the names of some of the characters, the movie won’t have anything to do with the…
Read more

Share this post:

Movie Review- The Gobots

Gobots were Transformers knock-offs which you got for your birthday when people were too cheap to by you Transformers. They were silly toys, and they inspired an even more preposterous cartoon. Fortunately, the new live-action movie doesn’t contain a single bit of animation, CGI or otherwise. Director Philip Seymour Hoffman once again defies expectations with his insistence on using people in foam costumes to play the rolls of shape-shifting robots. Yes, it is people in costumes even when they are in vehicle form. Even when other people are riding inside the vehicles. Retired professional wrestler Ricky ‘The Dragon” Steamboat makes his big-screen debut starring as the cleverly named Leader-1, leader of the Guardians (Gobot version of Autobots). For people who were fans of his work inside the squared circle, this performance will knock your slippers off. Who would have thought Steamboat could bring the house down with impeccable comic timing…
Read more

Share this post:

Movie Review- Ghost II

The 1990 romantic hit Ghost is exactly the type of movie one expects to be remade right about now in this cultural wasteland we call the twenty-first century. So when director Jerry Zucker told the world he was making a sequel instead of a reboot, most of us were a little shocked. When he said he was bringing back Patrick Swayze to play the lead, we were more than shocked—mostly because Patrick Swayze has been dead since 2009. So how did he do it? “None of your damn business” is what Zucker tells anyone who asks. Rumer has it that Whoopi Goldberg can actually summon the dead, but what the hell does Rumer Willis know? Just because both of her parents are in this movie doesn’t mean she knows how they summoned Patrick Swayze’s departed soul. Anyway, as one would imagine, a movie starring an actual ghost is pretty fucking…
Read more

Share this post:

Fan Fiction- Alf, Zombie Han Solo and J. J. Abrams Dispose of a Dead Hooker

“Shit, Han, what did you do!” Alf lifts the lifeless girl’s arm and lets it flop onto the floor. Han crawls out from under a pile of cigarette butts on the sweat and cum stained leather sofa. He rubs his pupil-less eyes and wipes cocaine from his brittle nostrils. Upon seeing the dead girl at his feet, he snaps to attention. “Oh, fuck. I don’t know. I don’t remember.” He staggers around the corpse to get a good look at her bloody, empty skull. “I guess I must have gotten the munchies in the middle of the night.” “The mini fridge is stocked with cow brains, why didn’t you just eat one of those!” “I don’t know! I was fuckin’ high! I was half asleep! I don’t fuckin’ remember!” Alf stands up and begins pacing their trashed penthouse suite. “Well, I don’t know what the hell we’re going to do…
Read more

Share this post: