Author Archive: RK Galaga

RK Galaga is the author of "Prehistoric Passion From Mars," "The Erotic Secrets of Shelley Frankenstein," "Lust Finds a Way," and "The Erotic Adventures of Paul Bunyan."

Divine Advice: Hot For Teecher

Those juicy melons were jiggling in such a way that it appeared as though they were about to bounce right out of her bra and make a break for it. Dear Jesus and Satan, I’ve got a major problem here. Last night at a parent-teacher conference, I accidentally fell in love with my kid’s math teacher and grabbed her tits. Not exactly in that order, but both of those things happened. To be honest, I’m not really sure what came over me. I was sitting across from Miss Allison at her desk as she was beaming about how my son was by far the brightest kid in her class, and the whole time, I just couldn’t stop staring at her cleavage. Her face is pretty, too—nice milky skin, bright red hair, nearly symmetrical eyes, full lips and nerdy hipster glasses. Because she was giving me good news about my kid,…
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Movie Review- Kong: Skull Island

Disclaimer: This website, The Skull Island Times, is in no way affiliated with the film reviewed below. Spoiler alert: King Kong doesn’t die in the end. That should be obvious—unless Kong was a zombie in the original 1933 film. Really, though, nothing is obvious these days. Thanks to directors such as J.J. Abrams, the lines between remake, reboot, prequel and sequel have become so blurred that anything can happen with what we once thought was canonized story material. Anyway, rest assured, King Kong doesn’t die in Kong: Skull Island. But he does get amnesia after being bonked in the head by a giant coconut. Until that point in the film, Kong speaks with a British accent and aspires to move to Hollywood so he can become a movie star. However, after losing his smarts in the coconut accident, he only makes it as far as Detroit. This film is set…
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Movie Review- Burger Time: The Movie

Sometimes Hollywood takes a break from rehashing old movies in order to make movie rehashes of popular video games instead. Most of the time these are based on action games, either involving zombies or big-breasted women with long braids. These modern games have life-like graphics and storyline formats that can keep addicts engaged for so long that they forget how to eat and piss. The stories they tell can easily be adapted into nice boring movies with over-the-top CGI effects. Old-school games, on the other hand, usually just feature a bunch of awkwardly moving shapes performing menial tasks.   These tasks are often so nonsensical that it is hard to imagine how they could be turned into a coherent movie. What you should basically expect is that, aside from the title of the film and the names of some of the characters, the movie won’t have anything to do with the…
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Movie Review- The Gobots

Gobots were Transformers knock-offs which you got for your birthday when people were too cheap to by you Transformers. They were silly toys, and they inspired an even more preposterous cartoon. Fortunately, the new live-action movie doesn’t contain a single bit of animation, CGI or otherwise. Director Philip Seymour Hoffman once again defies expectations with his insistence on using people in foam costumes to play the rolls of shape-shifting robots. Yes, it is people in costumes even when they are in vehicle form. Even when other people are riding inside the vehicles. Retired professional wrestler Ricky ‘The Dragon” Steamboat makes his big-screen debut starring as the cleverly named Leader-1, leader of the Guardians (Gobot version of Autobots). For people who were fans of his work inside the squared circle, this performance will knock your slippers off. Who would have thought Steamboat could bring the house down with impeccable comic timing…
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Movie Review- Ghost II

The 1990 romantic hit Ghost is exactly the type of movie one expects to be remade right about now in this cultural wasteland we call the twenty-first century. So when director Jerry Zucker told the world he was making a sequel instead of a reboot, most of us were a little shocked. When he said he was bringing back Patrick Swayze to play the lead, we were more than shocked—mostly because Patrick Swayze has been dead since 2009. So how did he do it? “None of your damn business” is what Zucker tells anyone who asks. Rumer has it that Whoopi Goldberg can actually summon the dead, but what the hell does Rumer Willis know? Just because both of her parents are in this movie doesn’t mean she knows how they summoned Patrick Swayze’s departed soul. Anyway, as one would imagine, a movie starring an actual ghost is pretty fucking…
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Fan Fiction- Alf, Zombie Han Solo and J. J. Abrams Dispose of a Dead Hooker

“Shit, Han, what did you do!” Alf lifts the lifeless girl’s arm and lets it flop onto the floor. Han crawls out from under a pile of cigarette butts on the sweat and cum stained leather sofa. He rubs his pupil-less eyes and wipes cocaine from his brittle nostrils. Upon seeing the dead girl at his feet, he snaps to attention. “Oh, fuck. I don’t know. I don’t remember.” He staggers around the corpse to get a good look at her bloody, empty skull. “I guess I must have gotten the munchies in the middle of the night.” “The mini fridge is stocked with cow brains, why didn’t you just eat one of those!” “I don’t know! I was fuckin’ high! I was half asleep! I don’t fuckin’ remember!” Alf stands up and begins pacing their trashed penthouse suite. “Well, I don’t know what the hell we’re going to do…
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Divine Advice For a Celebrity Stalker

The last time I fell in love, I made a ring out of aluminum foil, introduced myself to the young lass, and handed it to her. The woman’s name was Paris Hilton. She laughed, so I am certain she was joyous. Two men in black strong-armed me out of there, and I am not certain why they wish to bar me from my romance with this fine young lady. I’m worried that my love is being held captive by these guys, and so my next move is to infiltrate her mansion and make love to her by dark of night. However, the fence is electrified, and the invisibility cloak that I received from hogwartsfans.com doesn’t seem to be working. I’m going to have to rob a bank before I can buy a plane ticket to Los Angeles. However, by searching for her on the internet, I discovered Ms. Hilton is…
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Love Cuts Like Broken Glass

     My prematurely white hair notwithstanding, I was now the hunk that I always knew I could be. When you have no job, you have time to spend 5 hours a day at the gym. Looking like a classical Greek sculpture was only a happy side effect of my efforts, though. I needed the practical aspects of my newly acquired strength to scale a glass Manhattan office building.      A window-washer friend owed me a favor. A costume designer friend owned me another favor. When I put these two great tastes together, I got something better than a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. What I had was an idea for a super romantic gesture and the means to pull it off. Why be bitter about Valentine’s Day, when you can use the theme as a premise to win back the one that got away?      Strangely, her boss…
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How To Cook an Eagle

“Uh, eagles are protected by the guvmint,” Craig said with a mouth full of syrup. “You kill one of those, n’ you’ll end up in a federal prison being water-boarded 24-7 until you turn into a fish, or drown.” “No, man, they don’t put you in prison for killin’ eagles.” Phil help his coffee to his lips as he spoke. ‘They keep you submerged up to your neck in a swamp, like in Rambo, until all of the eagle’s powers are sucked out of you by leeches.” “So what yer sayin’ is, the only reason it’s illegal to hunt our national bird is cuz the govmint don’t want every crazy bastard in the country getting super powers from drinking eagle blood?” Camren shrugged. “We, that makes sense actually. It sure would be bad if them super powers fell into the wrong hands”. Craig, Phil and Camren were just about the…
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Movie Review: Tyler Perry’s The Thundercats

We knew there would be a live-action ThunderCats movie eventually. How could there not be? What surprised everyone, however, was just how badly Tyler Perry wanted to make this. Even more surprising is that the only part NOT given to an African-American actor was the part of Panthro, portrayed in the film by Neil Patrick Harris. Perry was not prepared for Harris to steal the show once again as he did in Undercover Brother, but that’s what makes the film so fresh and hip. Casting himself in his Medea persona as Mumm-Ra was a stroke of genius, and no less brilliant was his casting of Martin Lawrence in his Big Mama make-up as Lion-O. As not to let down his die-hard fans, Perry rounds out the rest of the cast with his go-to actors from his other popular films. Janet Jackson is a stunning vision of Cheetara, Lamman Rucker brings…
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