Author Archive: RK Galaga

RK Galaga is the author of "Prehistoric Passion From Mars," "The Erotic Secrets of Shelley Frankenstein," "Lust Finds a Way," and "The Erotic Adventures of Paul Bunyan."

Divine Advice for Deeply Troubled

Who’s hotter? Mona from Who’s the Boss? Or Blanche from The Golden Girls? Why did Hollywood do away with the slutty older woman as a comedic device? Fondly, Deeply Troubled Dear DT, Mona’s hotter, hands down. But I’m going to argue semantics with your premise here a little bit. I would say that, within the context of The Golden Girls, Blanche would not be considered “older.” She was by far the youngest of the main stars of that show, and I think that is why the writers chose to make her the slutty one. Plus, as a Southern Belle with the name “Blanche,” she was clearly supposed to be a reference to Blanche Dubois in A Streetcar Named Desire. Now, in the play, Blanche is the slutty older sister, a has-been passed her prime, but hardly what you would call “old.” I would also argue that Blanche wasn’t even meant…
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Divine Advice For Kristen Stewart

Dear Divine Advice, I’ve done something horrible and I don’t know what to do about it. While working on the forgettable movie Snow White and the Huntsman, I cheated on my boyfriend Robert Pattinson with married director Rupert Sanders. We got drunk and I let him fuck my brains out. It was fun at the time, but afterwards I felt really guilty. I made a public apology to Robert, and he’s agreed to give me one more chance, but I can tell I’ll never fully regain his trust. Also, now I sort of want to fuck Thor, my co-star in Snow White and the Huntsman. I probably shouldn’t, though, right? I mean Thor’s married, too. What do you guys think? Sincerely, Kristen Stewart Dear Bella, Unless you’re a U.S. Congressman, adultery is one of those things I come down pretty hard on. Now I know you and Robert weren’t married,…
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Divine Advice for a Cannibal

Dear Jesus and Satan, Yesterday I ate a guy. I wasn’t even, like, in a plane crash in the mountains or anything. I just saw a guy who looked tasty and then I ate him. Should I not have done that? Both the regular Bible and the Satanic Bible are unclear on the subject. Sincerely, A Cannibal Dear Cannibal, Short answer: You shouldn’t have eaten the guy. Please don’t eat any more people. The only “human flesh” you should ever eat is mine, when you make Communion on Sundays. I know, I know—it’s not the same. Little stale crackers aren’t very satisfying when you crave flesh, but that’s the way it is. You know, I asked Luke to put a bit in his gospel about how you shouldn’t eat people, but somehow it didn’t make it in there. It’s probably too late to edit it now, seeing as how everyone’s already…
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Divine Advice For Hulk Hogan

Dear Divine Advice, I’ve always been true to my Hulkamaniacs, sticking to the Four Demandments: train hard, say your prayers, take your vitamins, and always believe in yourself. All of my success—both inside and outside the squared circle—depended on me following these rules. But something has just happened that is causing me to question everything. Yesterday, I saw The Fate of the Furious at the local multiplex. It was an IMAX 3-D version on the biggest screen in LA, and it was awesome. Definitely the best movie I’ve seen since Babe II: Pig in the City. Anyway, last night I had a very upsetting dream about Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in which he was pounding my asshole with his huge cock, all the while yelling “Smell what The Rock is cookin! Smell what The Rock is cookin!” When I woke up this morning I was covered in my own jizz.…
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Divine Advice for Scott Pruitt

photo by Gage Skidmore

Dear DA, I have to confess that my faith has been shaken. I don’t trust scientists or the government, but lately I’ve been forced to deal with both. The government people got fed up with me and now I mainly talk with the scientists. It started with these memos and reports they gave me, the information couldn’t possibly be true! They gave me books to help me to understand, but those books might as well have been in Chinese. I ended up with this book titled My First Science Book, and that I could understand, but I still didn’t buy any of it. The book said, among other things, that fish are a kind of animal, and I’m pretty sure the bible says that they aren’t, but these scientists tricked me I think, they pretty much proved to me that fish are animals, I was convinced for a few hours…
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Divine Advice For Very Confused

This week’s Divine Advice was submitted by one of our readers. Dear Divine Advice, Amy Poehler is not Sexy. What can I do? Fondly, Very Confused Dear Very Confused, I’m not sure why you capitalized the “S” in sexy, but I get what you’re saying. The reason I decided to make her unsexy is I was just sick of everyone thinking that blond chicks had to be sexy all the time. For once, I wanted to make a blond that was appreciated for her mind and sense of humor instead of her looks. Ha, I’m kidding, of course. She’s not smart or funny either. To be honest, I let the “baby Jesus” version of myself make her, and that was just the best he could do. Hey, cut the lil’ guy some slack—he’s still learnin’. Anyway, you asked what you can do. Not much really, except…well, this is going to…
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Divine Advice For Herbie the Love Bug

Dear Divine Advice, I was raised Catholic, and was told growing up that there was no such thing as ghosts (aside from The Holy Spirit, of course). However, one day I woke up to find my spirit possessing a 1985 Volkswagen Beatle. I’m not quite sure how I got here, and I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to do now. Is my new purpose to help a young boy win a race or the love of a young girl he’s sweet on, or is it to avenge my own death. And while we’re on the subject, I don’t remember my own death. Shall I assume I was hit by this car? I need answers! Sincerely, Herbie the Love Bug Dear Herbie the Love Bug, Apparently, you neglected to look in your glove compartment, where I left you a note explaining your mission. Every once in a while, we decide…
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Divine Advice For Matt Damon

Dear Divine Advice, I really need some help. I should probably see a psychologist but I lost my job, I don’t have any health insurance, I’m not even sure if it would’ve covered a psychologist anyway. The good news is I can still write letters. Anyway, it started about two weeks ago. I stepped into a giant pile of dogshit and screamed “MONKEYS!” Kind of a weird thing to scream in that situation. My friends laughed at me, we were all pretty drunk, it just seemed kind of random. But the next day, my friend Lucy said hello to me and instead of saying hello back I screamed “MONKEYS!” She looked at me funny, I tried to apologize but when I opened my mouth I screamed “MONKEYS!” again, I had to put my hand over my mouth to stop screaming “MONKEYS!”. That episode passed, but in the days to follow…
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Movie Review- Lego Silence of the Lambs

“It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.” Did we need a re-make of Silence of the Lambs? Probably. Did it have to be a Lego movie? That, I’m not so sure of. One thing I do know for sure—Anthony Hopkins has really lost his shit. Rumor has it that the idea for a Lego: Silence of the Lambs movie came to him in a dream, and the very next day he got on the phone with director Jonathan Demme to pitch it. When Demme said he wasn’t interested in remaking his 1991 masterpiece, Hopkins decided to direct it himself. Knowing he’s never directed an animated movie before, he decided he would keep things simple by following the original film shot for shot. The problem is, he insisted on working completely from memory, and he hasn’t watched the film since it’s premiere 26 years…
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Divine Advice For Mark Twain

Dear Divine Advice, Is there any way I could commit suicide and still be allowed into heaven? Or at least cat heaven? And does suicide automatically send me to hell, or is there a chance I’d end up in purgatory? And lastly, and I don’t mean to sound suspicious, but please just tell me the truth, am I already in hell or purgatory? It seems a lot like purgatory most of the time, except I still seem to be getting older, I still need to eat, use the toilet, etc. Do you guys still use the toilet? Sincerely, Mark Twain Dear Mark Twain, I’ll be straight with you here. There was a mix-up with your paperwork and you ended up in purgatory. Unfortunately, since I am technically perfect and incapable of making mistakes, what’s done cannot be undone. Better get comfortable, because your assignment is permanent. Sorry about that. We’d…
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