Author Archive: RK Galaga

RK Galaga is the author of "Prehistoric Passion From Mars," "The Erotic Secrets of Shelley Frankenstein," "Lust Finds a Way," and "The Erotic Adventures of Paul Bunyan."

Divine Advice For Dr. Anthony Fauci 2

Dear Jesus and Satan, The other day, I stumbled upon some Anthony Fauci/Andrew Cuomo erotic fan fiction that Chelsea Handler wrote back in April 2020, and it brought a tear to my eye. Those were simpler times, when the public accepted every word that came out of my mouth as gospel, and anyone who expressed any doubt was lumped in with the QAnon conspiracy nuts. It was a great time to be Anthony Fauci, let me tell you. Did I get to fuck Chelsea Handler? No—I’m no Andrew Cuomo—but I did have Brad Pitt play me on Saturday Night Live, which meant I could have fucked Jennifer Anniston and Angelina Jolie if I had wanted to. I declined, for obvious reasons (they’re both old and Botox-y). In hindsight, I wish they had cast Ben Affleck instead because then I would have had access to J-Lo’s luscious booty. Who knew she…
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Divine Advice For Superman 2

Dear DA, I went into a bookstore a few days ago–I know, I know, I can’t believe any of them exist anymore, either. Anyway, I went in, and I noticed that you guys are in the religion section, while Thor, Zeus, and some of my other pals are in mythology, or fantasy. And I wasn’t even really in the store. There were non-fiction books about me, but no tales of my heroic deeds, which I can live with, but feel is a bit unfair. You guys send locusts and plagues and destroy entire cities for sodomy, while I’ve saved the world more times than I can count, and you can’t find me unless you go into a comic book store. In any case, none of this really bothers me. As Superman, I’m above that kind of pettiness, but it did begin to make me worry. I know you’re planning on…
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Divine Advice For Luis Elizondo

Dear Divine Advice, Thanks to a wacky provision some QAnon-friendly Republicans on the Senate Intelligence Committee snuck into the COVID relief bill, the Pentagon now has to declassify all of their UFO documents on June 1st. That means us UFO nuts have just a few more days to cash in on this before the report reveals what we already know: that it’s all just camera artifacts, Russian drones, and NAVY pilots looking to get discharged by sounding crazy. So far, I’ve appeared on 1,247 podcasts, but because of COVID, there haven’t been any UFO cons to speak at. Obviously, I’m writing a book, but there’s no way I’m going to be able to publish it before June 1st. Sure, the hardcore nutters will still buy it after that, but I won’t get the promotional bump from the mainstream media, which will surely stop its coverage once the report comes out.…
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Divine Advice For Andrew Yang 2

Dear Divine Advice, Recently, I had an epiphany: the best way to win the election for mayor of NYC is to become Mike Bloomberg. So far it seems to be working. Some of my more progressive supporters got a little pissed off about my Israel comments, but what can I say? There are more Jews in NY than Muslims, and the Jews have more money. Of course, my stance on the Middle East has no real policy implications within the city, but it’s an issue that matters to certain donors whose asses I need to kiss, and I said what I had to say for their endorsement. The truth is, I don’t really give a shit about what’s happening over there. My other Bloomberg-like policy idea is a little more consequential and a little more controversial because it’s about crime. The rest of the country might not have noticed this,…
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Divine Advice For Bill Gates

Dear DA, I just paid 60 billion to divorce a woman I had an open marriage with. While that might seem ridiculous to most, you have no idea how much we annoyed each other. She hated my geeky little laugh, and I could tell she hated it. Sometimes, after sex, she would just stare at me with glaring disdain. For her part, she never ran out of ways to be a “philanthropist” with my money. I was like Melinda, honey, could you just turn it off for one minute, and she slapped me for being so insensitive to the oppression of others. I would have slapped her back, or had one of my goons do it, since I’m not 100% sure I could take her, but times have changed. These same goons who helped me amass my billions in the 90s are now considered to be “problematic.” My advice for…
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Divine Advice For Rudy Giuliani 2

Dear DA, Do you think I could pass for a house elf like Dobby from the Harry Potter books? God how I love those books, and I need them now more than ever. Thank God that at least Trump stood up for me, and he’s right. This entire thing is so unfair, just like everything that ever goes wrong for me. The FBI warned me about Russian interference in the 2020 presidential election, and of course I ignored them because they’re a part of the deep state. Then they warned me again and I ignored them again. And then suddenly, out of the blue, they’re raiding my home? Seems kind of suspicious if you ask me. The last time I checked, the President is more powerful than the FBI. Or at least he’s supposed to be. He tells me to jump off a bridge or go to Ukraine to help…
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Divine Advice For Derek Chauvin

Dear DA, I really screwed up, and most of it isn’t even because I’m a blatant racist. You know how if you have a job for long enough, you kind of start to blow it off? It’s like every year, I have to watch a sensitivity training video again? Or get my eyes checked so I can be recertified to use a firearm? And this bullshit never ends. I stopped doing all of that crap years ago, and it kind of bled over into my work on the streets. You hear enough people begging for mercy or to be treated like human beings, and you just kind of grow numb to it. The pressure was also starting to get to me. A regular arrest, like what was caught on film, I practically sleep through. You know what kind of calls I get? People used to complain to me about stray…
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Divine Advice For Ted Nugent

Dear DA, Jon Shaeffer, the frontman of the band Iced Earth, is the first to plead guilty to the Capital Riots. He’s also in the far-right group Oath Keeper, which honestly, I’ve never even heard of before. Have I lost a step? And please, be honest with me. I can’t help thinking that if this had happened 10 years ago, it would have been me pleading guilty to the Capital Riots. I blame the Damn Yankees. We’ve all gone broke and have been practicing for our “big comeback.” If I wasn’t so busy with those idiots and my stupid guitars, it would have been me at that riot, and that would have done more for my record sales than any pathetic Damn Yankees reunion. Does anyone even know more than one song by us? What I find the most troubling is that if I was off about this, maybe I’ve…
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Divine Advice For Ben Shapiro

Dear DA, Let’s dish. First of all, I don’t believe in 90% of the crap I spout. I’m just not talented or smart enough to do anything else. Believe me, I’ve tried, but I guess you could say I turned to the darkside. Rush was getting old, and I saw a void to fill, and here I am, ready to take over.  The reason I walked off that British TV show is because frankly, I miscalculated. I thought the English had become as stupid as Americans, but they’re not quite there yet. I realized that about a minute in and figured fuck it, why waste my time? Another little secret I’ll let you in on: Moscow Mitch is half Smurf, and that’s why he was half-purple. It was too hot and his makeup was running.   As a mensch, I don’t really believe in the afterlife or hell, but just in…
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Divine Advice For Matt Gaetz

Dear Divine Advice, I tell ya, these days, people really love throwing around the phrase “sex trafficking.” Sure, I like to load my underage prostitutes onto a plane and fly them out of the state, but that’s just so I don’t get caught with them when the feds raid my cabin. Now this David McGee character is trying to extort $25,000 from me, and even Donald Trump is letting me twist in the wind. The whole reason I became a Republican in the first place is so sex scandals wouldn’t matter. I know it’s Easter, and you’re busy coming back from the dead and all that, but if you have a spare moment, I could really use your help with this. Thanks in advance, Matt Gaetz, U.S. representative for Florida’s 1st congressional district Dear Matt, If I had a little more notice, I would have let you be the criminal…
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