Author Archive: H. Seitz

H. Seitz is the author of the Sci-fi novella "Iron Manimal" and a contributing writer at The Skull Island Times.

The Cat

When my first girlfriend dumped me, it was a new kind of hurt. The songs we had listened to, the fading odors of her hair on the pillows. the smell of her clean body on the towels. I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I sat in my underwear all day and night, sometimes for over 36 hours at a time, playing video games (mainly Shining Force) and drinking Georgi Vodka with generic ice tea mix. I took breaks to sleep and to go out to buy more vodka and cigarettes. It was a cold winter, but I had a car, I could make it to the car in just a bathrobe and shoes. Driving to the liquor shop, I thought about her. I was young and stupid in a way that I’ll never be again. I was ashamed of myself then and I’m ashamed of it now, but I was…
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Divine Advice For Taylor Swift

Dear DA, I broke my pinky toe, the doctor said it doesn’t need a cast and I can still walk around, no big deal. So I’m walking around my hood and I end up behind a guy with a mangled foot. I can still wear normal shoes, no one can see anything is wrong with me, but I’m limping along behind this guy and people start giving me dirty looks, they think I’m mocking him, so I try to walk normal, but that makes it worse. The guy with the mangled foot turned around and gave me a dirty look and I started crying. My other sin, like most people, I love pornography, but I’m really into feces fights or shit fights. The name of the site is brown ploopy and they always refer to shit as brown ploopy and I love it, it really rubs my nub if you…
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The Incredible Hulk Discusses DWB (Driving While Black)

Hulk drive car other day, Hulk drive good, but immediately cop pull Hulk over. He ask license, registration. Hulk confused. Hulk no remember how Hulk end up in car. Cop ask Hulk step out car, do sobriety test. He call Hulk in radio, radio tell Hulk only have Learner’s permit, need supervision experienced driver. Also, car registered Bruce Banner. Who Bruce Banner? Hulk no know. Cop mad, shift almost over, now, must wait tow truck. Car no reported stolen, so Hulk OK. Hulk hear on news, dangerous drive while black, dangerous drive while monster, so Hulk always bring tape recorder. Hulk fall asleep, wake up in car other side of town. Hulk listen to tape recorder, cop ask “who you?”, man answer Bruce Banner, tell cop he supervise Hulk, Hulk drive to park car while in bathroom. Bruce Banner naked, cop try arrest indecent exposure. Bruce Banner drive away and…
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Divine Advice For Oprah Winfrey

Dear DA, I’ve been struggling with my weight all my life. The best advice I ever got was to just do more of the things I already love doing. For example, if I love walking, I should walk more. So what I want to know is, how many calories do I burn masturbating? Smoking a cigarette? Drinking beer? Watching an hour of TV? Eating a donut? I know beer has a lot of calories, but doesn’t it take calories for your liver to burn away the alcohol? Also, how many carbs are in whiskey? Also, why don’t most sweatpants have pockets anymore, and why are the pockets so small? Where am I supposed to keep my keys and my donuts when I go out jogging? Thank you in advance for the calorie information, and let me know where I can buy a decent pair of sweats. Sincerely, Oprah Winfrey If you…
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A Message About the TPP from The Incredible Hulk

Since Roman Empire, Indian Ocean key to trade between Europe, Asia and Middle East. Suez canal and Red Sea vital strategic entry points. This why Yemen, Gulf of Aden, key to international trade. Even ancient Hulks know, control vital trade route key to control or at least stabilize world. By abandoning TPP, current administration compromising influence and stability in region. China likely to fill vacuum. Strategic and financial loyalty move from US to China. In already unstable, fractured world, now not time to cut all ties. Hulk no foreign policy wonk, but flawed as TPP, world still better when nation have vested interest in other nation, when nation talk and work and compromise. Hulk say improve flaw of TPP, not abandon. Maybe Hulk solution not perfect, Hulk mind scattered, sometimes like two minds. Hulk wake up, Hulk not know how or why Hulk get here. But message still clear. In…
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A Message about Social Media from The Incredible Hulk

When Hulk begin on Book of Faces, Hulk happy to reconnect with old monster friends, many not see since high school. But Hulk notice more time on Book of Faces, sadder Hulk get. Many old friends change bad. Solomon Grundy half monster before, but now complete zombie monster, speak worse than Hulk, can only scream “Grundy!”. He vote for Donald Trump, always post pro-Trump, make Hulk very sad. Bizarro same. Bizarro also vote Trump and now flat earther. Bizarro literally fly around earth, but insist earth flat. Hulk understand old friend still old friend even if crazy now, but Hulk realize Book of Faces no substitute real life connection. Monsters grow, change, keep old monster friends, but also need new. Sometimes, Hulk sit alone with voice in head. Voice tell Hulk okay to take walk, read book, spend Hulk time with Hulk. Hulk ramble, but message still clear. Social media…
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A Message to Nazi Sympathizers from The Incredible Hulk

As person monster, Hulk find racism appalling. As monster of color, Hulk personally disgusted. Judge Hulk for Hulk, and judge self for self. Hulk heart full of regret. World cruel, life hard. But Hulk take responsibility for Hulk. Nazi Sympathizers lowest, most cowardly form of life. No personal responsibility. No honest with selves. Easier to blame most vulnerable, so do, and fix nothing. Superman once tell Hulk that even Hulk can be force for good. Hulk still believe individual choice to be good. To try be brave and honest with self. Hulk still believe in beauty of world. Hate not solution. Hulk quote favorite poet. Say better than Hulk. The trees bend down along the stream, Where anchored swings my tiny boat. The day is one to drowse and dream And list the thrush’s throttling note. When music from his bosom bleeds Among the river’s rustling reeds. No ripple stirs…
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A Message to Climate Deniers from The Incredible Hulk

A Message to Climate Change Deniers from The Incredible Hulk Scientific evidence convince Hulk man made climate change real. Hulk no expert, but Hulk separate raging emotion from reason long enough to be objective. Consensus among scientists nearly unanimous. Researchers and methodology sound. Good track record of responsible scientific inquiry. And Hulk once ate scientist, can feel him inside now, helping Hulk think. Banner. Name Banner. Climate change issue too complex to change mind of denier. Even argument about pollution too complex. Denier will argue manufacturing solar panels, wind turbines, also pollutes, and this true, but mostly one time pollution, and in long run, much less than always fire of gasoline and coal. But too complex, so Hulk go to most simple reality. Gasoline running out. Soon all gasoline all consumed by fire. So alternative necessary if want to preserve semblance of modern life. Forgive awkward prose, mind of Hulk…
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A Message to Anti-Vaxxers from The Incredible Hulk

Hulk share story now. Listen to Hulk. Very sad story. Papa Hulk, he fight from wheelchair. Very awkward. No polio vaccine in days of Papa Hulk. He drown in swimming pool. Polio bad. But before die, Papa Hulk made sure Baby Hulk, me, get vaccine. Before, polio, diphtheria, measles, mumps, rubella, rampant. Now, no. Hulk apologize for typos and grammar. Hands too big for keyboard and mind consumed by rage. But message still clear. Disease bad, vaccine good.

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Divine Advice For Julia Roberts

Dear Divine Advice, Global Warming or Climate Change or whatever you want to call it (a turd by any other name is still a turd) is obviously a hoax perpetuated by greedy scientists and China to emasculate coal workers and slander oil companies, companies run and staffed by The Great Americans who make modern life possible. You can’t fertilize oats and barley without gasoline, and no oats and barley would mean no beer and no steak. What are you going to feed a cow, solar panels? And what am I supposed to drink, fucking soy milk? This is ridiculous, I shouldn’t even have to ask, but I need you guys to set the record straight for all those anti-American, anti-cow peaceniks out there. Sincerely, Julia Roberts PS: I also hate Mexicans. Dear Julia Roberts, It sounds to me like you’re still bitter about Kiefer Sutherland cheating on you with that…
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