Author Archive: H. Seitz

H. Seitz is the author of the Sci-fi novella "Iron Manimal" and a contributing writer at The Skull Island Times.

Divine Advice For Roseanne Barr

Dear DA, Americans are nostalgic and they love a comeback, and I’m both. Or at least I was. They liked me so much they thought I was kidding about being a Trump supporter. I guess what the millennials say is true. If you’re a rich, privileged, white woman, you can get away with almost anything, except for showing them what hypocrites they are. They liked me, so they figured I must be one of them. Don’t get me wrong. You’re technically God, so you can’t get me wrong and there’s no point in lying to you. What I tweeted was racist. But is that any reason to shame me? That’s race shaming. They’re making me ashamed of being white. Being a racist I can live with, but being white? I’ll never be able to wear a bikini in public again. If I wasn’t a racist, I might actually be ashamed…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Mark Zuckerberg

Dear DA, Lately I get the feeling that none of my friends are seeing my posts on Facebook, and I don’t think I’m seeing theirs, either. All I get are spammy links to softcore porn and political articles written by Russian hackers. It’s like Facebook has become a never-ending spam folder. When Data built me and my sister Lal, he told me that it was his dream to become more human, but that I shouldn’t even bother trying. So I took his advice and created Facebook. But now, I’m thinking about deleting my account and going back to ham radio. It was such a thrill to finally talk to tweaked out truckers after hours of sifting through static. One time, I even talked to a guy in Switzerland. He was in his basement talking to truckers, too! How is my sister Lal? Of all the souls I have encountered in…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Larry King

Dear DA, I applied to NASA, and do you know what those CIS, heteronormative bastards told me? They told me I was too old, weak, and stupid to be an astronaut. That’s ageist, ableist, and also somehow anti-semitic. All those rumors about Nazis on Mars, I never used to give them much credence, but now I’m not so sure. You want to be an astronaut, it’s just like anything else. You schmooze, smoke cigars with the boys, hang around gin joints yucking it up. It’s all about who you know. Not whether you’re old, weak, or Jewish. Look at Sandy Koufax! (I know, I know, can a Jew go for five minutes without talking about Sandy Koufax?). In his prime, he couldn’t jump over a fire hydrant, but could he have been an astronaut? Probably. He has a 2.93 lifetime ERA. These fakakta astronauts. They want me to piss in…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Taylor Swift 2

Dear DA, I’m incredibly hot for someone who looks inbred. Maybe that actually adds to my hotness, the whole cousin-marryin’, age-of-consent-ignorin’, wish-there-was-still-slavery charm of the south. I know slavery is wrong, but it’s kind of awesome to have slaves. Nowadays we call them personal assistants, but most of them are unpaid interns, so technically, they’re slaves. I whip mine when they move too slow and a few of them seem to get off on it. Have you seen my video for Delicate? I do a split on the hood of a car like Tawny Kitaen. It’s awesome! I also run around NYC barefoot, which in real life would be suicidal. Anyway, I’ve had a lot of petty feuds. A lot of them. And there’s a saying, that if you run into one asshole, they’re the asshole, but if everyone’s an asshole, you’re the asshole. But in my case, I think…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Rupert Murdoch

G’day Mates! This is embarrassing. Even for an 87 year old man worth over 15 billion dollars, it’s embarrassing. By some bureaucratic blunderpuffin, I didn’t realize I founded Fox News. All these years, I thought I owned CNN. So I’ve been watching CNN for the last 20 some odd years. The reporting is first rate, mate. Or at least second rate. They aren’t deliberately malicious at least. They try. But I thought they could do better, and I sensed a slight liberal slant. So at every quarterly meeting, I’d tell them (or at least I thought it was them) “Great job, mates! But there’s still a bit of a liberal slant. Try to even it out a bit. Now off ya go!” So year after year, I kept telling them this, until I finally got it all sorted about a year ago. A few months after your Donald Trump was…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Rachel Maddow

Dear DA, I’m basically a more masculine version of Where’s Waldo come to life. But while I don’t stand out in a crowd, I can be difficult to ignore. Especially for birds. Wherever I go, the birds are terrified. They start flapping and clucking or chirping or whatever. Then they fly away. Eventually, everyone flies away. I’ve done a lot of impossible things in my life. My family is very Catholic, but I’m a Rhodes Scholar. And when I was in high school, I could slam dunk a tennis ball. But now, as a 45-year-old lesbian, I feel like my life is missing something. (And it isn’t cock. Don’t you dare say it’s cock.) I’ve got a great career, a great partner, and I’m pretty much right about almost everything. So why do I feel so empty and tortured inside? Am I having a midlife crisis? Hasta la vista, baby,…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For The Fonz

Dear DA, In light of the recent political climate, I am very concerned about my iconic portrayal of the Fonz. Having sex with all those teenage girls in the garage of some kid I bullied, heyyy!. This is America. Nothing wrong with that. But my treatment of jukeboxes troubles me. Is this AI thing for real? And will the robots realize that I’m just an actor, that I had no choice but to hit those machines? If I had known then what I know now, I would have snapped my fingers at the jukeboxes and hit the teenage girls instead. Like a normal adult pretending to be a teenager in the 50s. Heyyy! I’m concerned because the AI might learn from the Fonz that this is the best way to solve your problems. Something not obeying you or doing what you want it to? Thwack! And here comes that sweet…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Emma Stone

Dear DA, Thank you for making Lindsay Lohan go crazy and allowing me to fill the void. Honestly, I can’t quite fill some of her voids, but close enough. If you’ve been following my career, you’ve probably noticed that I’m kind of unbearable, but I can get away with it because I’m also so boring. For a woman with red hair, I really am unbelievably blank. Which is why I can play Asian women and lesbian tennis players and some lady who was a friend to the blacks. Even my boyfriend is boring. I can’t even remember his name. It’s like the cat, that famous cartoon cat. The one that likes lasagna. You know that riddle, if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? Well my question, if I play an Asian lady, but no one sees the…
Read more

Share this post:

Happy Man

I’d always had a theory that if someone wasn’t making you uncomfortable, you were making them uncomfortable. There is no such thing as a mutual relative peace. Peace, or at least a lack of being uncomfortable, is unusual enough to make other people uncomfortable. Charlie and I were taking a break when I told him my theory. Charlie was an ex-boxer from Nigeria. A heavyweight. And he was one of the happiest people I’d ever met in my life. Even now, with both of us dragging 300 pound hand trucks around midtown for minimum wage, he was happy. “I think your theory is true.” I had never seen Charlie uncomfortable. Our boss had been yelling at him back at the truck, telling him that he talked too much, and Charlie had laughed at him and said “Yes! I talk too much! Me! Hahahahahah! I talk too much!” while stomping around…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Rob Lowe

Dear DA, As a highly woke individual who looks like he’s carved out of soap AND rich AND famous, I’m writing in to apologize on behalf of the Weinsteins, Spaceys, and Louis C.K.s of the world. I had a bit of a scandal in the 80s when I had sex with two underaged girls and videotaped it, but there’s a big difference between what I did and what the Weinstein types did. In my case, I’m handsome, so people have sex with me because they want to have sex with me, whereas with Harvey and the others, people have sex with them because they want to be in a movie or are accosted by a drunk or have a comedy dream or whatever. Obviously, I’m better than them, but I don’t think you should be too hard on them. When you’re fat, old, drunk, and ugly, it’s almost impossible to…
Read more

Share this post: