Author Archive: H. Seitz
The Skull Island Times > Articles by: H. Seitz
H. Seitz
November 26, 2018
Divine Advice
Donald Trump, Ivanka Trump, Saoirse Ronan, Sofía Vergara, Steve Buscemi, Tiffany Trump, Tom Hiddleston
Dear DA, The world is a sad, angry, and depressing place. It’s always been this way, but social media has made us 1000 times more aware of it. Occurrences that we might have barely heard about in the 80s or missed entirely are now instantly everywhere all the time. It’s inescapable. You can get off Facebook and Twitter and throw your phone into a volcano, then join the Merchant Marines and go AWOL on the most remote frozen wasteland known to man, and the first Eskimo you run into will ask you what you think about Donald Trump deporting the WNBA, and then tell you you’re a racist for not referring to him as an Inuit. You have to get woke, man! It’s all about girl power and female empowerment and rebooting Friends with Torres Strait Islanders who are lesbians. Torres Strait Islanders are the indigenous people of Australia. Don’t…
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H. Seitz
November 19, 2018
Divine Advice
Allison Williams, Amanda Peet, Amy Adams, Bugs Bunny, Clint Eastwood, Get Out, Isla Fisher, Jenna Fischer, Jesus, Jordan Peele, Kaley Cuoco, Kat Dennings, Lena Dunham, Satan
Dear DA, I’m one of those hot, relatively young, interchangeable actresses in the mold of Amy Adams, Jenna Fischer, and Isla Fisher, except I’m a slightly newer model in the Amanda Peet mold. You may have seen me in Get Out. I play the evil hot white girl. I also play an evil hot white girl in the show Girls, which co-stars Lena Dunham, another evil white girl. The truth about hot white girls, and even ones who are kind of ugly like Lena Dunham, is that we’re all kind of evil. All women are. Anyway, like Amanda Peet, I’m a lean, taut, blue-eyed brunette, and you can kind of tell that I’m evil just by looking at me, which is irresistible to most men. I was perfectly cast in Get Out. If you want to lure black men to their doom and Amanda Peet is out of town, you…
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H. Seitz
November 12, 2018
Divine Advice
Al Roker, Aquaman, Batman, Beyonce, Captain America, Don Lemon, Goulies, Hitler, Jesus, John Legend, John Lennon, Johnny Storm, Namor, Nazis, Satan, Stan Winston, Superman, Teddy Ruxpin, The Beatles, the Human Torch, The Invaders, The Submariner, WOnder Woman, Yoko Ono
Dear DA, I’ve taken some heat recently for pointing out that whenever there’s a mass shooting, it’s almost always a crazy white guy who’s responsible. It’s the same with terrorism. You hear about a terrorist attack and you automatically assume that Muslims are involved because 99% of the time, they are. Is it racist to notice? According to SJWs, I’m definitely racist against Muslims, but I can’t be racist against whites. To be racist against whites, I’d have to take a vacation to some country in Africa where black people are in charge. Power + prejudice = racism. It works the same way for Superman. He can be racist against anyone, except for when he’s exposed to kryptonite. This is why Superman always goes off on anti-Semitic rants whenever he’s exposed to kryptonite. He finally has a chance to get it out of his system without technically being a racist.…
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H. Seitz
November 5, 2018
Divine Advice
Bubbles, chimp, Jesus, Lilith, Michael Jackson, Satan
Dear DA, Why aren’t animals included in the LGBTQ community? Specism is real people. Do you know how difficult is to be a gay animal with no support network? For some of the “lesser” animals, I get it. Chickens and cows can go to hell as far as I’m concerned. The world is not a perfect place. Players gotta player and people gotta eat. But animals like dogs, cats, and especially primates, deserve agency and consideration. I was rich. I had it all. Roller coasters, fresh bananas, and a gold leaf tower to hurl my feces at. An indoor gold leaf tower, and it was self-cleaning because we hired Mexicans to clean it. Aside from being a chimp, I’m also a homosexual. When Michael Jackson dumped me, I lost everything. As a chimp, I had no legal standing, and as a homosexual, I had no community. There are still no…
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H. Seitz
October 22, 2018
Divine Advice
Bio Dome, Brett Kavanaugh, Charles Nelson Reilly, Christine Blasey Ford, Clarence Thomas, Donald Trump, Donna Rice, HBO, Hitler, human centipede, Jesus Christ, Lindsey Graham, Milo Yiannopoulos, Porky Pig, Ronald McDonald, Rose McGowan, Satan, Scott Baio, Stephen Baldwin, Supreme Court, Zac Efron
Dear DA, I always thought those crazy SJWs screaming that America is a patriarchy were out of their minds, but now, I’m not so sure. Take me for example. 20 million people watched my hearing on TV. I lied, I was histrionic, I was basically obviously full of shit. And I’m in. And the same thing happened to Clarence Thomas. At least for the presidency, or at least until Trump, any little thing might have been enough to sink you. Like Donna Rice sitting on your lap or some nonsense about swift boats. It didn’t even have to be true. Maybe they were a little too fussy back then, but nowadays, we’ve gone too far, and I’m saying this as an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States of America. When will this nonsense end? Trump could nominate Ronald McDonald to run the Food and Drug Administration…
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H. Seitz
October 15, 2018
Divine Advice
Allison Janney, Batfleck, Ben Affleck, Casey Affleck, Confederate flag, Cops, Dokken, Extract, God, Highway to Heaven, Jesus, Mike Judge, Reindeer Games, Satan, The Rock
Dear DA, Do you remember my sex scandal or whatever it was? Neither do I. The problem with these things is that they’re too many of them, it’s difficult to keep track and some of us get lost in the shuffle. But it’s better that 100 guilty men go free than one innocent man is punished. Or something like that, but I think they were talking about hanging people back then. Another problem, especially with guys like me, is that you kind of blame the victim. You can’t help it. I look douchey enough that you take one look at me and think yeah, she should’ve seen that one coming. It’s like when they show domestic disputes on Cops. You feel sorry for the woman until you see her boyfriend is some shirtless drunk hick with a mullet (they’re always shirtless). She saw that guy and decided he was boyfriend…
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H. Seitz
October 8, 2018
Divine Advice
Adam, Dairy Queen, Eve, Genesis, Lena Dunham
Dear Lilith, As the OG feminist I’m sure you can relate, yo. I really just need someone to kind of vent on,you know? I think it’s so sexist that as far as God’s concerned, I’m like just part of some dude’s rib. That’s fucked up. Sexually molesting your (literally) baby sister and murdering a homeless man just because he wanted a piece of fried chicken is fine, because meat is murder and I’m a vegan, but this whole rib thing, it isn’t even vegan! Couldn’t God have given women a vegan option? Like maybe made us out of vegetables? They do it at Dairy Queen. The lady there told me you can get vegan ice cream wrapped in vegan bacon. They make it out of seaweed or something. It’s a thing. The New You, Lena Dunham Dearest Lena, Millenia have passed and you’re supposed to be a prime example of…
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H. Seitz
October 1, 2018
Divine Advice
Colin Kaepernick, Harvey Weinstein, Jared Fogle, Jesus, Roger Ailes, sandwich artist, Satan, Subway, Violet Beauregarde
Why not #metoo? Not so long ago, homosexuality was considered to be a psychological disorder, and in ancient Greece, pedophilia was not only accepted, it was practically a rite of passage. And look at what’s considered to be acceptable now as compared to just 20 years ago. So who’s to say that the wheel of time won’t keep turning and eventually remove the terrible stigma attached to my orientation? For the record, I have never touched a kid. I know that by watching kiddieporn, I have indirectly supported terrorism and drug cartels, just like vegans and heroin addicts indirectly support antivaxers and Muslim insurgencies. We all indirectly support reprehensible things just by participating in society. I’m not looking for acceptance or forgiveness or even understanding, but I am looking for a way to help other people like me so they won’t have to suffer like I have. I can’t help…
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H. Seitz
September 27, 2018
Movies and Television
Avengers: Infinity War
Avengers: Infinity War PG I don’t watch movies until I can borrow them from the library for free because I equate this with being good for the environment and I self-identify as a person who gives a shit about the environment. Whether or not this is actually good for the environment is neither here nor there. If we’ve learned anything over the last decade, it’s that objective reality does not matter. Nobody knows and nobody wants to know because it’s too depressing. And why bother when subjective reality is more important anyway? If I identify as a person who gives a shit about the environment, that’s who I am, no matter how much garbage I dump into the ocean. Infinity War serves as parable of this modern day lack of conflict. You are what you say you are, reality be damned. And your solutions have no negative consequences regardless of…
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H. Seitz
September 26, 2018
Fiction
It was time to see the doctor again. Not that I went for regularly scheduled appointments, though whichever doctor I happened to see always told me that I should. This time, I was visiting because my right foot felt funny. These visits were usually pointless because after a certain age, the doctor always tells you that your foot feels funny because you’re old now. That it would be strange if you weren’t experiencing some sort of nagging pain or general discomfort. I kept going anyway because I thought that this time or that time might be different. A girl in a pussyhat was sitting a couple of seats away from me. She was wearing tight grey jeans and a black t-shirt that said “The Future is Female.” She must have been in her mid twenties and it was very difficult for me not to look at her. Bums, garbage, strangers…
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