Author Archive: H. Seitz
The Skull Island Times > Articles by: H. Seitz
H. Seitz
February 18, 2019
Divine Advice
Academy Awards, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, AOC, Donald Trump, Jesus, Jimmy Kimmel, Kevin Hart, Robert De Niro, Satan, social justice warriors, The Oscars, Wanda Sykes
Dear DA, Am I hosting the Oscars? I thought that little black guy was supposed to do it. Ah, some old homophobic tweets turned up, so he’s out and I’m in. Wait a second. I just called him a little black guy. Is that racist? Like bad enough to get me replaced? I’m really kind of unprepared. I wasn’t even sure if they still did the Oscars. It seems like calling whatshisface a little black guy is okay. Kevin Hart. I just looked it up. Like most people, I’m totally reliant on my phone. If my phone told me that Aliens and Predators had invaded and to hide in the forest, I would probably hide in the forest. You can’t get cell reception out there, so I’d never know when it was safe to come out. I really don’t want to do this Oscars thing. You can tell I’m not…
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H. Seitz
February 11, 2019
Divine Advice
Academy Awards, Eminem, Kevin Hart, Seth Rogen, The Interview, The Oscars
Dear Divine Advice, So, in case you haven’t heard, the world somehow found out that I used to be homophobic. I have no idea how everyone knows, but they do. And nobody seems to be giving me credit for becoming less homophobic once I got famous with a mainstream audience. Why can’t they accept my half-ass apology? Is it because I haven’t made it clear as to whether or not I’m actually homophobic? Problem is, if I’m honest about this stuff, I don’t think the world will let me go on being famous. And there’s still a lot more money I want to make. I thought about doing what Eminem did in that forgettable Seth Rogen movie The Interview. You know that scene where he’s being interviewed and he implies that, despite being famously homophobic throughout most of his career, he himself is gay? The thing is, I don’t think…
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H. Seitz
February 4, 2019
Horoscopes
Columbia Space Shuttle, Dido, Eliza Dushku, Emily Blunt, Emperor Frederick III, Lindbergh baby, Nickleback, Nicole SImpson, O.J. SImpson, Rihanna, Ron Goldman, Zooey Deschanel
Aries Most people are unaware that much of what they consider to be totally normal about themselves is actually not. Like you, for instance. Regularly forgetting how to spell words like “cat” and “dog” isn’t normal. And if you have the feeling that you may have suffered a concussion, or perhaps even several, you shouldn’t just shrug your shoulders and blow it off. There are medical techniques that could help you, and your lapses in judgment, black outs, and “memory holes” are putting others at risk. That you have a job and somehow manage to make it to work is a miracle. Take advantage of your health insurance. Famous Aries Event: The first space shuttle Columbia launched April 12, 1986 Taurus Whenever people think of you, they wonder why they ever put up with you in the first place. You’re one of those people who reads books about how…
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H. Seitz
February 1, 2019
Divine Advice
Gisele Bündchen, Jesus, New England Patriots, NFL, Satan, Super Bowl, Tom Brady
Dear DA, Not many people know this about me, but I’ve got a specially-abled twin brother living in my basement. Usually, he’s okay, but sometimes I have to chain him up. He goes really crazy over my wife and gets jealous about other things, too, like the Super Bowl. Honestly, I’m not too bright myself either after all those blows to the head. You ever have one of those days when you forget how to spell the word “cat”? Apparently neither do most people. After all these Super Bowls, my brother Dom Brady is going nuts. He’s demanding that this time, it’s his turn, and my wife actually agrees with him. I don’t think they understand how difficult my job is, and even though we’re identical twins, people are going to be able to tell the difference. Dom hasn’t been out of that basement in almost 20 years, and before…
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H. Seitz
January 28, 2019
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Amazon, Bernie Sanders, Donald Trump, Elizabeth Warrem, Hillary Clinton, Jeff Besos, Jesus, Jill Stein, Koch Brothers, Satan, Viagra
Dear DA, I’m considering running for president, and this time, I think I can win. I may look like an old man on the outside, but I’m still as sharp as a tack. Lurking within my battered frame is the spunk of a hot latina lesbian woman who just found out her grandma’s homemade salsa is nothing but Old El Paso with a little bit of ketchup added in. I’ve been duped! We’ve all been duped! Can you believe this wall nonsense? I’ve always considered myself to be an honorable Jew, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Walls are bad news. Ask the East Germans, or the Jews in the Warsaw ghetto. Is this really the look we’re going for? I’ve noticed that hot latina lesbians are trending lately. Yes, I know how to find out about what’s trending on the interweb. I keep up with the social media…
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H. Seitz
January 21, 2019
Divine Advice
Barack Obama, Fox News, Jesus Christ, Mitch McConnell, Old Testament, Rand Paul, Satan, Shepard Smith, The Devil, Uranium One
Dear DA, Does eating Turkey Buzzards make me a cannibal? Hehehe. I’m just kidding to show y’all that I can be human and lifelike, too, just like a regular earth fellow. Anyway–my job used to be a lot more complicated until I discovered a little secret that more than quadrupled my efficiency, and I discovered it by accident! It all started when that Obama fella got elected and I announced that whatever he tried to do, we’d block it on principle. Basically, my entire philosophy, and that of the Republican party, boiled down to “Obama bad.” Or now that he’s no longer president, “Obama bad” or “Democrats bad” or “Hillary bad.” It’s amazing how well it works. But with this government shutdown and wall debacle, it’s time to put the old thinking cap back on, and I have to admit that I’ve gotten a little bit rusty. How do I…
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H. Seitz
January 14, 2019
Divine Advice
Batman, Bob Backlund, California Raisins, Country Time Buffet, Donald Trump, GNC, Gold's Gym, Hulk Hogan, Jesus Christ, John Cena, Pat Patterson, Randy "Macho Man" Savage, Satan, Slim Jim, Stephanie McMahon, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Devil, The Rock, The Ultimate Warrior, Triple H, Vince McMahon, Wrestlemania
Dear DA, You heard it here first. I, Vince McMahon, am running for President of the United States of America. Once Trump won, he showed crazy, rich, unqualified white guys everywhere that our dreams can come true, too. I’m just like Donald Trump, only younger, stronger, and more well-muscled. I may not be the president this country needs, but I’m the one it deserves. I even had my daughter abducted once. I’ve accomplished a lot in my life. I can bench press 450 pounds, I once ate 14 pounds of rotisserie chicken at the Country Time Buffet, and a for a few months in 2004, I was Batman. Every billionaire tries to be Batman at least once. Even Bill Gates tried it. Physically, he was pitiful, but he more than made up for it in sheer evil. If it wasn’t for Windows, we’d have a colony on Mars by now.…
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H. Seitz
January 11, 2019
Horoscopes
Beverly Cleary, Count Dooku, Diddy, Dido, Eliza Dushku, Eratosthenes, Gem and the Holograms, Holly Madison, J. Edgar Hoover, Jennifer Aniston, Jimi Hendrix, Joan of Arc, Kurt Warner, Laura Bush, Leonardo Da Vinci, Leonardo DiCaprio, Mr. Krabs, Nicola Tesla, Popeye’s limited-time-only deep fried soft shell crab, Ram 1500, Rosamund Pike, Sebastian from The Little Mermaid, Taylor Swift, Vanna White, Virgin Mary, Zooey Deschanel
Aries It’s great that you feel less stressed out, but there’s a difference between resolving your problems and deciding to ignore them. Your sister is still waiting for you to post bail (she stopped calling because that myth about getting just one phone call is kind of true–you get one chance to make a bunch of calls after you’re first processed, then another chance in a week or so, then more chances and privileges as you learn the ropes). Your high blood pressure isn’t going to “decide to bother someone else” just because you refuse to give it attention. That works with girlfriends and puppies, but not with medical issues. Famous Rams: Kurt Warner, Ram 1500 Taurus The only reason you have any “friends” is because you’re too oblivious to get the hint that nobody likes you. Your employer and all of your coworkers didn’t just “forget” to tell…
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H. Seitz
January 9, 2019
Lifestyles
H. Seitz
January 7, 2019
Divine Advice
A-Rod, Alex Rodriguez, anhedonia, Derek Jeter, Eve, Garden of Eden, Gwyneth Paltrow, J-Lo, Jennifer Lopez, Jesus, kidney stones, Redd Foxx, Rick James, Satan, sepsis, The Jungle Book, vagina rocks
Original photo by DVSROSS
Dear DA, First of all, I have to thank Satan for giving me eternal hotness in return for my soul. I mean look at me. I’m 49 fucking years old. 49! If you want to use me in your ads or testimonials, count me in. Other people are just scammers, man. Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina rocks did absolutely nothing for me, although I did manage to turn a profit selling my used ones on e-Bay. Apparently there’s a market for rocks covered in my vagina juice, and get this: it was mainly women buying them. What a strange fucking world. You can buy rocks for your vagina, but when they grow naturally in your kidneys, you have to pay people to take them out. I guess the grass is always greener. Anyway, I really need some advice. For the last few months, I’ve been experiencing anhedonia. I no longer take pleasure…
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