Author Archive: H. Seitz
The Skull Island Times > Articles by: H. Seitz
H. Seitz
August 5, 2019
Divine Advice
Ally Sheedy, Anthony Michael Hall, Bill Murray, Breakfast Club, Carrot Top, Emilio Estevez, Fran Gargano, It Chapter Two, Jackie Burch, Jesus Christ, John Hughes, John Kapelos, Judd Nelson, Louie C. K., Louis C. K., Molly Ringwald, Paul Gleason, Quick Change, Ronald McDonald, Satan
Dear DA, Can you believe I’m 51? Doesn’t it just make you want to kill yourself? A lot of you remember jerking off to me as young children, or at least trying to, and since I haven’t been famous for a while, you probably still remember me as being in my early 20s. When you don’t see someone for 10 or 20 years, they don’t age in your mind. Then, when you suddenly see them again after all those years, it’s like yikes! Why do people’s heads keep on growing? It’s freaky. The rest of your body shrinks, but your head becomes enormous. Still, I can’t complain. There were a few years in my late 30s/early 40s when I was hotter than I’d ever been before. I actually had boobs and everything else was still high and tight. It was like my body’s last stand, a final oasis before the…
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H. Seitz
July 29, 2019
Divine Advice
Chris Hardwick, George H. W. Bush, Harvey Weinstein, Ian McKellen, Jean-Luc Picard, Jesus Christ, Kevin Spacey, Magneto, Patrick Stewart, Professor X, Satan, Star Trek the Next Generation, Superman, The Devil, Wil Wheaton
Dear DA, A lot of people might be wondering why I came back, aside from the money and the fame and the mild dementia. The truth is, I’m not quite sure myself. But what I missed most of all, aside from my many space adventures, was fucking with the crew. I loved calling them in, especially Worf, and letting him have it. I’d scream at him “That is the most reprehensible behavior I have ever seen, and it will not be tolerated onboard the Enterprise! Dismissed!” Then when he was halfway out the door, I’d say “Worf, you are without a doubt one of the finest officers I have ever served with. In your place, I would have done the same.” He would pause, confused, then leave. The crew was on eggshells during my entire command. They had no idea whether they were coming or going, or what I approved…
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H. Seitz
July 23, 2019
Movies and Television, Reviews
Captain Marvel, Dwayne The Rock Johnson, Gang Bang, Hobbs and Shaw, Jason Statham, The Fast and the Furious, The Rodeo Clown, Titty
Hobbs and Shaw is the gay action-adventure rom-com the entire world has been waiting for, and it comes up big time (pun intended). For everyone wondering what went wrong with Captain Marvel and Titty Titty Gang Bang, pay attention. We’ve all been “woke” for at least five or six years now, and even most of the non-woke community (a minority we should be allies to, btw) couldn’t care less about who’s sleeping with who as long as all of the participants are consenting adults. We no longer need the communist ethnostate ideology rammed down our throats. What we do need rammed down our throats is a little physics-defying stunt the fringe gay community refers to as The Rodeo Clown, and not only do the leads pull it off like seasoned pornographers, it happens organically. It isn’t in your face until it is, and by then, you want it to be. …
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H. Seitz
July 22, 2019
Divine Advice
Amazon, Bender, Futurama, Iron Sheik, Jeff Bezos, Jesus Christ, Satan, The Devil
Dear DA, Do I get my 72 virgins? I’m not really a military drone, but through my sacrifice, I probably saved thousands (or at least dozens) of lives. I know that technically, I’m supposed to be suiciding myself to kill people, so I don’t know if saving people counts. It seems like it should count even more, like if you know you’re a drain on society like an old Eskimo (or excuse me, Inuit) woman so you just wander off into the tundra to die instead of being a burden on your family. They deserve 72 virgins, too. Maybe I’m writing to the wrong deity, or maybe the right one? Whichever deity is the best as far as giving virgins to drones who save lives instead of taking them, that’s the deity for me. Some sheik ordered me from Amazon to pick up his mail. To be fair, he has…
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H. Seitz
July 20, 2019
Horoscopes
Aquarius, Aries, Cancer, Capricorn, Gemini, Leo, Libra, Pisces, Sagittarius, Scorpio, Taurus, Virgo
Aries You ever get the feeling that your life is going nowhere because of a few pivotal mistakes you made when you were too young to know any better? There’s a good reason for that. But if it’s any consolation, your life wouldn’t have gone anywhere anyway. They tend not to nowadays. Taurus What kind of person chooses the President over their own friends and family? Just think about that for a few seconds. You. Chose a guy. You do not know. Who does not care about you. Over your friends and family. Who actually do care about you. Or did. Gemini The good news: you’re going to be reelected President of the United States of America. The bad news: you’re going to be reelected President of the United States of America. Some more good news: your second term will only last three months. Once you default on your Chinese…
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H. Seitz
July 15, 2019
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, AOC, Ariel, Ark Encounter, Bernie Sanders, Beto O'Rourke, Creation Museum, Donald Trump, Elizabeth Warren, Ivanka Trump, The Little Mermaid
Dear DA, Man. The most dangerous animal. The most dangerous animal of all is a man with nothing to lose. And this is how I’m Making America Great Again. We will be a dangerous nation of men with nothing left to lose. Like Rambo, except robots. I can’t stress this enough: all of the actual fighting will be done by robots. I call them Rambots. They’re good people, these Rambots. Some of them are rapists and murderers, but most of them, I assume, are fine people. Or Rambots. I’ve hunted men before. Or more accurately, the female version of men. I believe the scientific term for them is “bimbos.” And if that’s not politically correct, you can blame it on those creepy egghead scientists. Half of them have never gotten laid in their lives. Probably all of them. They’re too busy looking up at the climate. They wouldn’t know a…
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H. Seitz
July 8, 2019
Divine Advice
Bizarro, Charles Bronson, Charlize Theron, Chronicles of Riddick, Dame Judy Dench, Dominic Torreto, Dwayne The Rock Johnson, Groot, Jesus, Mark Sinclair, Paul Vincent Sinclair, Pitch Black, Satan, Superman, The Fast and the Furious, Vin Diesel
Dear DA, I try to keep it a secret, but I have a creepy, unfamous twin brother and he’s jealous as hell. How would you feel if there was a guy who looked exactly like you, except handsome, muscular, rich, and famous? You’re in your basement apartment with your normal wife, stuck living life with all the other norms, while your superstud brother is out there making love to The Rock and Charlize Theron. I feel sorry for the guy, it’s gotta be tough being the “other” twin, but this time, he’s gone too far. Last night he slipped in the shower and hit his head and now he thinks he’s Dominic Torreto, the guy I play in The Fast and Furious cinematic universe. He made love to The Rock and let The Rock be on top. Vin Diesel is always the top. I swear to God I could kill…
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H. Seitz
July 1, 2019
Divine Advice
Andrew Yang, Bernie Sanders, Democrat, DNC, Donald Trump, Fox News, Freedom Dividend, Jesus, Jill Stein, Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Marianne Williamson, MSNBC, NBC, Pete Buttigieg, Satan, The Devil, Yang Gang
Dear DA, I’m one of the 47 Democrats running for president, the Asian one named Yang. Not that one, the other Asian. The one who’s trying to bribe everyone into voting for me. One grand a month free and easy, yo, from the Yang Dog. That’s what they used to call me in my hood in Schenectady. It’s a little town in Upstate NY. There’s a rose garden and an old-timey movie theater and absolutely nothing else. That’s why I had to choose the thug life. To get some respect, yo. First, I have a confession to make. No one really used to call me the Yang Dog. I just made that up. I’m not even sure why. I thought it would make me sound cool. If you just add “Dog” to the end of your name, you’re cool. At least most of the time. I thought it would work…
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H. Seitz
June 26, 2019
Fiction
Ramsey sat at his desk with a coffee and a copy of the NY Post. He got it for the sports section, the crime blotter, and the borderline satirical reporting. He had started reading it whenever he found a discarded copy on the subway, and it gave him a boost. The sports and news sections took him out of himself. They reminded him that there was a great big world out there, a world that would continue regardless of his personal successes or failures. A week into June and the Yankees were in first place. The Mets were in fourth. The Middle East still had problems. The crime blotter was his Page 6. If there were enough details, he could sometimes figure out who had handled the call and whether or not he knew the cops who had likely been involved. Ramsey never arrested anyone if he could help it.…
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H. Seitz
June 24, 2019
Divine Advice
Armageddon, Baskin Robbins, Batman and Robin, Ben and Jerry's, Breyers, Friendly's, George Clooney, Golden Buffet, Jesus, Joel Schumacher, L. Ron Hubbard, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Reese's Pieces, Satan, Scientologists, Stone Cold Creamery, The Iceman, Tom Cruise, Top Gun, Val Kilmer, Xenu
Dear Divine Advice, Eventually, we all become whatever Tom wants us to be. This Top Gun reboot or sequel or whatever it is is either going to kill me or save my life. Tom demands that I get back in shape, and not just decent shape for a guy my age shape, Ice Man shape. Ice Man had glutes on top of his glutes and an extra set of shoulders instead of a neck, he could walk around in nothing but a skimpy bath towel and still be intimidating. The only thing afraid of me now is the sundae bar at Friendly’s. They should make a restaurant with an all-you-can-eat buffet and a sundae bar. Have you ever had a hot fudge sundae topped with mini egg rolls and duck sauce? The Golden Buffet has their “endless” chocolate fountain, but that’s a joke. How is five gallons “endless”? I figure…
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