I stepped on a newspaper some slob left on the sidewalk, whatever it was, it smelled like dogshit, and it made my dog Carlos bolt. I tried to chase him, but I slipped on the newspaper and ended up covered in dogshit.
As I’m cleaning myself off, I see my ex with J-Lo and they both see me and I just want to die. I know I’m no J-Lo, but I try to keep it high and tight. Why do you think I did all those Bourne movies?
Anyway, as any normal guy would do, I started hanging around the park. I wanted to catch that irresponsible asshole who let his dog dump all over the sidewalk. So I’m standing by the playground, and it’s like a pedophile in reverse. This kid starts staggering up to me, she looks just like me, same potato head and dead eyes, and I’m thinking crap, more alimony? At this point, I know all they want is money.
Good Will Hunting, that was the last time I tried to act. I wanted to know what it felt to be a retard who’s suddenly good at counting and shit, so I had Ben hit me over the head with a wheelbarrow like multiple times, it was wicked awesome, you had to be there, but I guess as God, you were, because I can feel you watching me whenever I have sex or masturbate, but never any time else, so please confirm you saw that.
Dear Matt Damon,
Yes, I was watching when Ben clobbered you with that wheelbarrow, and yes, I watched what happened immediately afterwards. I’m talking, of course, about him bending you over said wheelbarrow and ramming a 2” x 4” straight up your ass. He told you it was his dick, and you were too delirious from being clobbered to realize he was lying. You already knew what his real dick felt like, so you wouldn’t have fallen for it otherwise. In that moment, I understood that your relationship would never last.
Fast-forward to 25 years later, and it appears you still haven’t moved on. I get that gravity has been tugging on your forehead so hard that you look like a shriveled old caveman, but you’re still super rich and famous. Have some Me-damned self-respect. Keep working out, keep making those Bourne movies, and keep buying zoos. You could never land a babe like J-Lo, but if you work hard, I’ll bet you could get Ben’s ex-wife, Jennifer Garner. That would be the ultimate revenge, wouldn’t it?
Dear Matt Damon,
Sure, fucking J-Gar might make him a little jealous, but if you really want to get under his skin, nothing would work better than hooking up with his real best friend: Me, Satan. I say we go the Sarah Silverman/Jimmy Kimmel route and make another “Fucking Matt Damon” video, only this time, we should actually get footage of me tearing your ass up with my 12-inch barbed cock. And if you’re sick of being a bottom, I don’t mind guzzling a little of your cum, too. It’ll be my pleasure, actually. Oh, and don’t worry—just like in that “Fucking Ben Affleck” video, we can have tons of celebrity cameos, and unlike the Kimmel flick, our guys don’t necessarily have to be alive. Have you always wanted to fuck comedy legend, Ted Knight? Well, don’t worry, because he’s down here in Hell with me, and he’s ready to work again. I’ve also spoken to Verne Troyer, and he’s totally on board, too. And just like his Mini Me character in those Austin Powers movies, he’s a total tripod. Actually, sometimes he likes to crawl all the way into someone’s ass and just hang out up there. He likes to wear one of those miner’s helmets with the light on it and he carries a pickaxe. It’s adorable. Anyway, we all look forward to working with you. Once our little movie goes viral, Ben will ditch J-Lo and come running right back to you. I promise.
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to email@example.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan