You know that show Bridezillas? Think of me as the bride. Sure I got the fancy wedding and everyone put up with my crazy bullshit, but was it perfect? Was it? These moments don’t come around often, so when they do, it’s got to be all about me.
With me, KD, and James Harden, the Nets got a real shot at a chip. The only problem is that NY requires people to be vaccinated if they want to eat in strip clubs or go to enormous sports arenas, even superstar athletes like me.
Anyone who knows me will tell you I’m not getting that fucking vaccine for anyone.
Assuming the Nets keep me, I stand to lose $17 million, a shot at a championship, and the chance to infect players, strippers, coaches, physical trainers, medical staff, reporters, vendors, more strippers, janitors, and fans from all over the country, except in NY. Does that seem fair to you?
My teammates will confirm that every time I’ve been asked to help my team, I’ve adamantly refused because that’s my right as an insufferable asshole.
You have to bear in mind I’m the same guy who was proud to be a flat-earther. And remember the guy who was pissed at LeBron after winning a championship because he wasn’t the focal point of the team? Also me.
It’s easy for people to point fingers, but if your childhood dream of winning a chip alongside the greatest player of your generation came true, you’d be in a pissy mood, too. Just ask Scottie Pippen.
Bear in mind I’ve been coddled and spoiled my entire life. Thanks to basketball, I made it through high school and a season at Duke and I barely know how to read. You think I’m writing this letter? Writing is for chumps, just ask this idiot I’m paying $15 an hour. Don’t worry about me overpaying him, I got another guy to handle counting numbers and shit.
Tell the Nets they gotta decide just how many popcorn vendors I’m worth. There are no guarantees in life, and isn’t a championship worth a few dead fans (and strippers)?
Those poor people fighting for vaccines in other countries? They can have mine, so now who’s the selfish one?
Kyrie “I make Ron Artest look like Doogie Howser” Irving
Some people are saying the only difference between you and Colin Kaepernick is that your team will actually miss you. After his whole “taking a knee” thing, he couldn’t get a job anywhere in the NFL, and I doubt you’ll have the same problem. Of course who needs to play football when you can make millions selling sneakers?
Everyone thinks you’re an idiot for turning down $17 million just to avoid a shot in your arm, but that’s not even the most idiotic thing about you. Do you understand how ridiculous it is for a grown man living in 2021 to think the Earth is flat? It totally undermines all that effort I put in to make it a ball. Now, I know the planets aren’t perfect spheres, but that’s because of gravity or whatever. I swear they were perfect when I first made them. Earth’s climate was perfect, too, until you humans fucked it up.
When it comes to your refusal to get the vaccine, you’re actually doing me a favor. I’m the one that created COVID-19 in the first place, and it was meant to be humankind’s final test of worthiness. It was your last chance to come together as a species, and because of idiots like you, people are turning their backs on their best chance of survival. Not only does this make my decision to kick off Armageddon easier, it actually leaves me with less work to do since so many people have died already. Pestilence can now take the rest of the Apocalypse off, and let the other three Horseman handle it from here. The truth is, Pestilence is kind of lazy, so it was inevitable that someone was going to have to do her job for her. Hey, maybe the two of you can hang out, now that you both have all this time on your hands. Just a heads up, if you guys end up fucking, you should totally wear a rubber. She has every STD in the universe.
Now that your basketball career is essentially over, I think you should consider running for President. You’re already a hero to the MAGA crowd for standing up to the crippling oppression of vaccine and mask mandates, and your opinion on the shape of the Earth has made you a QAnon darling. Kanye got 60,000 votes in 2024 as an Independent, but if you can get the Republican nominee, I think you can win the whole fuckin’ thing. I know what you’re thinking: “But how can I beat Trump in the primary when it’s totally his party now?” The truth is, if you went head-to-head with him, you’d lose. That’s why you have to go head-to-ass. When he zigs, you zag, and when he zags, you dunk on his ass. Trump is terrified of making eye contact with black men, and because of this, he’ll never see you coming. And because you’re so tall, you can humiliate him in ways nobody else can—by taking a picture of the top of his head so we can finally see what he’s trying to hide with that ridiculous combover. Of course, it would be better if you didn’t have to fight the Orange Man for the nomination. He’s already made it clear that he wants the status of being president, but not the responsibility, so all you have to do is tell him that if he helps you become president, you’ll help him become “King.” Currently, the USA doesn’t officially have a King, but it could. By 2024, the Republicans with have supermajorities in both Houses of Congress, as well as the Supreme Court, so you’ll be able to do whatever the fuck you want.
Maybe you’re worried that being President would mean that you’d have to give up the game you love since there simply wouldn’t be enough time to simultaneously play in the NBA and run the free world. Well, don’t fret, because Trump has already proven this isn’t the case. During his four years in office, he spent a total of 758 days on the golf course, which averages out to about 193 days per year. Playing in all 82 regular-season games, plus potentially 28 playoff games, you’d only be at 110 total. This would allow you a nice cushion of 83 days to spend on travel or having sex with strippers or even playing a complete season in the NHL. There’s a lot of overlap between the NHL and NBA seasons, so that last one would be tough, but with Air Force One at your disposal, I think you could pull it off. Of course, you would have to learn how to ice skate.
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to email@example.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.