Dear Divine Advice,
Apparently, there’s a law in California where the 20 or 30 dumbest assholes in the state can get together on a whim and decide to remove the Governor for, really, any ridiculous reason at all. In this case, it’s because they don’t feel like following public health guidelines that have been gently enforced to keep Californians safe during a deadly pandemic. Remember watching Arnold Schwarzenegger hang out in an opium den with Steve Coogan and Jackie Chan in that shitty Around the World in 80 Days movie and thinking “damn, that meathead is the Governor of California?” Well, that’s about to happen again, only it’s going to be a lot worse this time. At least Arnold wasn’t a QAnon nutjob. Larry Elder, the asshat leading in the poles to replace me, is basically Black Alex Jones. A Democrat as handsome and charming as I am shouldn’t be losing to this guy, and yet somehow, it’s happening. Like most California liberals, I’m secretly an atheist, but I’d be willing to drop in at church one Sunday and throw a couple of bucks into the collection basket if you guys could help me out here. I’d love some political advice, and/or some kind of miracle.
Gavin Newsom, Governor of California
I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you; your ass is in a lot of trouble here. This stupid recall law makes California look as dumb as Alabama or Kentucky, and for some reason, nobody ever thinks about changing it until it’s too late. So, what can you do now? Update your resume and start planning your 2024 Presidential run. I know it seems preposterous that losing an easy election in a blue state would make you qualified for the highest office in the country, but Democrats are big believers in the concept of “failing up.” You’re slick, you’re polished, and you can raise a shit-ton of money from corporate donors and that’s way more important to them than winning. You don’t check off as many boxes as Kamala Harris, but they’re starting to realize how useless she is, so maybe they’ll be willing to consider running another white guy. Though, if you choose to run, you might want to consider ditching your current wife for someone with a little more “flavor,” if you know what I mean. I hear Halle Berry is available. She’s two years older than you are, but she’s still one of the most beautiful women on the planet. In fact, I dare you to watch John Wick 3 and not leave your wife for her.
P.S. If it doesn’t work out with Halle Berry, you could probably steal Rosario Dawson away from Cory Booker. That guy’s such a tool.
P.P.S. In case it wasn’t clear, My “no-tolerance policy” towards adultery doesn’t apply to celebrities and politicians. Certainly not ones as handsome as you are.
I have to be honest; I’m kind of rooting for Larry Elder here. Obviously, I don’t think he’d be a good governor, but he’s exactly what Californians deserve. It’s no accident that you guys are seeing some of the worst effects of climate change in the world. After so many of you sold your souls to me for long, fruitful careers in politics, big tech, and the entertainment biz, it made sense to turn the whole state into its own circle of Hell. Sure, there are decent Californians who aren’t douches, but most of them have already had the good sense to move to Austin, Texas, and more are fleeing the firepit every day. Maybe it seems like this situation is unfair to the progressives who have been fighting for the environment and economic equality all along, but don’t worry—the conservatives will get their just desserts. And don’t worry about losing your job, either. Remember how badly electing Arnold Schwarzenegger backfired for them? A guy like Larry Elder will be more loyal to the nuttery that is the new Republican party, but his election will trigger such a title wave of woke culture and PC thuggery that they’ll regret ever starting that recall petition in the first place. They may even change that stupid law themselves. Then, the ultimate revenge will be when you beat that goblin Ron DeSantis in the 2024 Presidential Election.
You should definitely give some thought to what Jesus said about Halle Berry, though.
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