Dear Divine Advice,
Recently, I had an epiphany: the best way to win the election for mayor of NYC is to become Mike Bloomberg. So far it seems to be working.
Some of my more progressive supporters got a little pissed off about my Israel comments, but what can I say? There are more Jews in NY than Muslims, and the Jews have more money. Of course, my stance on the Middle East has no real policy implications within the city, but it’s an issue that matters to certain donors whose asses I need to kiss, and I said what I had to say for their endorsement. The truth is, I don’t really give a shit about what’s happening over there.
My other Bloomberg-like policy idea is a little more consequential and a little more controversial because it’s about crime. The rest of the country might not have noticed this, but last summer, while liberals in other cities were yammering on about “Defund the Police,” most New Yorkers kept their mouths shut. They watched their cafés getting broken into and their vintage clothing stores getting looted, and they just wanted it to stop. It turns out that, for all their talk about social justice, all white people in NY really care about is not getting mugged, and if that means giving carte blanche to the police, then so be it. My plan more or less boils down to turning the city into a bunch of snitches, which was a tremendous success in Nazi Germany. I’m a math guy, and the numbers don’t lie.
I realize this center-right/authoritarian character I’ve become conflicts with my previous branding for when I was running for president, but it’s what the people of NY want. It’s what they always wanted. Say what you will about Count Giuliani, but there wouldn’t be a Red Lobster or a Bubba Gump Shrimp Company in the middle of Time Square without him.
My question to you is this: Now that I’ve already sold my soul to be the mayor of NY, what else can I offer you guys in 2024 when I run for president again?
Andrew Yang, the next Mayor of New York City
I have to say that I’m pretty disappointed. I was a big fan back when you were running for president, but it seems you are no longer that guy.
The truth is, while I used to be really conservative when it came to women’s rights and homosexuality, I’ve always been a bit of a hippy with the other stuff. I’m anti-corporation, anti-guns, anti-war, and given the fact that I’m the most important Jew who ever lived, I’m surprisingly critical of Israel. I’m also anti-authoritarian. Don’t forget, it was Roman soldiers who whipped me, humiliated me, and nailed me to a freakin’ cross. If there had been a successful “Defund the Police” movement in my day, I might have been spared that terrible experience. Sure, Mankind would still be on the hook for that little apple-eating incident back in the Garden of Eden, but at least I wouldn’t have these nasty holes in my hands and feet that never seem to heal.
Anyway, my point is I’m not cool with this new right-leaning and (dare I say) Trump-like version of you. You’ve taken the easy way out here and it’s not going to end well. Sure, you’ll win your election, but it will be all downhill from there. A month into your term, the entire MTA will shut down. By mid-February, all major museums and libraries will close. Then, two weeks before the MLB season starts, the Yankees will move to Austin, Texas. There will be riots in the streets, and people in every borough will be demanding your resignation by next June. The term “Yang Gang” will no longer refer to your ever-shrinking group of supporters, but instead will be the name the media uses for the mob of thugs pushing around a flaming effigy of you in a Trader Joe’s shopping cart. Your administration is going to be such a disaster that everyone will be saying “man, I miss De Blasio.” It’ll be a sad ending to the promising movement you started.
Your progressive supporters may be upset by your latest antics, but I’m just thrilled. The best-tasting souls are the well-meaning ones that get corrupted by “the game,” and there’s no better example of this in recent years than you. I’ve been following you since the beginning, and all along you’ve been smart, funny, and optimistic. Your podcast was inspiring and informative while also being entertaining. All the best celebrities were in the Yang Gang, from Dave Chappelle to Ken Jeong to Whoopi Goldberg. The media tried to bury you, but that only made your populist appeal that much stronger.
And then you had to throw away all that goodwill by becoming a typical politician. How delicious. People like you are the ones that cry the hardest when you get to Hell because you tell yourself you don’t belong there, that there must be some mistake. But the only mistakes are the ones you made when you sold your soul to be mayor. What a bad deal for you. Being mayor of NYC is way harder than being president of the United States, with way less glory and power. The worst part about this is you could have won your little election without my help. You were already most of the way there before your terrible Israel comments. You should have just kept your mouth shut, done your four years as mayor, then cashed in your soul to run for President in 2024. Now the world is going to be stuck with President Kamala Harris, or worse—President Caitlyn Jenner.
Though, there is one thing you can do to make this right. I seem to have racked up $15,000 in unpaid parking tickets, plus there’s a warrant for my arrest because of this altercation I had in a Washington Heights bar back in 2009. You make those things go away and I’ll make you President For Life. I made the same offer to Trump, but he wouldn’t give me Ivanka, so there was no deal. Little does he know I fucked her anyway.
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