Dear Divine Advice,
I’m writing to you today to ask for strength. Last night, I watched the movie Big hoping to find secret proof of Tom Hanks’s involvement with QAnon, but the exact opposite happened. Instead, I found myself rooting for Tom and hoping for his safe return to suburban life. In the film, he’s actually a victim of pedophilia, not the perpetrator. I know it’s pretty common for abusers to have been abused themselves, so the story should have actually reinforced the theory. The problem is Hanks was just so damn likable, and it has caused me to question everything. If Q can be wrong about the most Hollywood man in Hollywood, who else could he be wrong about? I woke up in a cold sweat this morning from a dream that I was having a pleasant brunch with none other than Hillary Clinton herself. Hillary Clinton! The worst part is, I was eating avocado toast and it was the best thing I’d ever tasted. I think I’m cracking up. Please help.
Rep Marjorie Taylor Greene (R) of Georgia’s 14th congressional district
It’s interesting that, even after all the failed QAnon predictions, it took a movie from 1988 to shake your faith. As a cult leader myself, this gives me pause. Sure, you seem to be taking the nonsense in The Bible with a grain of salt, but what happens if you watch Kevin Smith’s Dogma?
Knowing how fragile your batshit brain is, I’ll tread lightly here. I’m happy that you’re starting to see the light regarding QAnon, but let’s not get carried away. Hillary Clinton is still a vile human being who has committed atrocious acts against humanity. Was she really running a sex trafficking ring out of a Washington D.C. pizza parlor? No, but some of those murder allegations still seem a little fishy to me. For that reason, your brunch dream troubles me greatly. My advice: say 12 Our Fathers and 12 Hail Marys, then whip yourself with that nasty-looking torture weapon Paul Bettany uses in The Da Vinci Code. If you’re still in love with Hilary Clinton after that, then there’s nothing left to do but check yourself into the loony bin.
You may find this hard to believe, but I had that exact same dream about Hillary, only mine ended with us fucking on the table as the waiter jerked off into her hair and poured boiling-hot soup on her tits. You’re lucky you woke up when you did.
Don’t feel bad that Tom Hanks was able to get under your skin. He’s a master of lies and has been fooling the entire world for decades. To remind yourself of who he truly is, check out the show Bosom Buddies where he plays a cross-dresser hiding in a woman’s college dormitory, or Philadelphia where he plays a gay lawyer with AIDS who tries to sue his own firm for discrimination. If these documentaries fail to convince you, then you can always fall back on the cult member’s mantra: close your eyes, plug your ears, and repeat “I can’t hear you, I can’t hear you, la, la, la” over and over until your doubt disappears.
Confession: What happened between Hillary and me wasn’t a dream; though it wasn’t a waiter jerking off into her hair and scalding her tits, it was her husband Bill. Best. Valentine’s Day. Ever.
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to firstname.lastname@example.org, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan