This pandemic has been rough on everyone, and I know that I’ve had it relatively easy with my mansions and wealth and indoor Rascal scooters. This is actually a part of the problem.
I’ve gained a little weight over the winter, which is normal, especially during a year like this, but by a little I mean 150 lbs. I knew I was eating more than usual, and mainly comfort food like ice cream and pork rinds. Honestly, I’ve been topping the ice cream with pork rinds that I refry in butter. I know it sounds disgusting, and it is, but it’s the kind of thing you hate yourself for eating, which makes you want to eat it even more.
There’s also my cheese problem. I can’t stop eating cheese. I keep a chunk on my nightstand. Gnawing on it is the last thing I do before sleeping and the first I do after brushing my teeth. And I brush my teeth with lard.
I’d like to lose weight and am willing to make sacrifices, but not the ice cream or pork rinds or lard, and I hate exercising. I’m not willing to exchange my soul, because who would be shallow enough to exchange their soul just to look young and hot forever? The only thing I’d exchange my soul for is infinite pork rinds, and I can already afford that.
Any tips would be appreciated, but liposuction is also a no go for me. I have very sensitive belly skin.
Dear Tina Fey,
I may be new to all this woke business, but I know a trap when I smell one. There’s only one answer I can give you that won’t get me canceled and that is you’re perfect just the way you are. People come in all different sizes and shapes and every single human being on the planet is—
Fuck it, I can’t do this. You’re so disgusting that you make me regret being able to see through walls. The truth is, I already regret that, and it’s not all your fault. At least 99.9% of humans look like rotting pig carcasses: dirty and smelly, slumped on their couch with their TV remote in their hand, a bag of store-brand cheese puffs on their lap, surrounded by empty soda cans and beer bottles. You’re a big TV star, so technically, you should be striving to be among the 0.1% of the population that is beautiful, but, you know…COVID. This annoying disease (which I didn’t create but also did nothing to stop) is humanity’s excuse for not just the decline in compassion and civility, but also the poor hygiene and physical fitness. Millions of people are depressed that they can no longer go to that gym they weren’t going to anyway, and it doesn’t help that Instacart keeps delivering them pork rinds instead of the broccoli they ordered.
I guess my point is yeah, you’re nasty, but in the context of what’s been going on, you’re still a 6 (8 when you’re playing Sarah Palin) and that’s nothing to sneeze at. Sure, you’re no AOC, but she’s in a league of her own. Just be yourself and everything will work out. Or just keep getting fatter until you no longer fit in clothes and you have to wrap yourself in bedsheets during Zoom calls. Honestly, I don’t give a shit what you do. You haven’t been relevant since 30 Rock went off the air.
Dear Tina Fey,
Whenever I hear someone say they wouldn’t sell their soul, my ears perk up, and I consider it a challenge to find something they desperately want but are unable or unwilling to procure for themselves. In your case, there’s a lot to work with. There’s so much self-doubt and self-loathing that I barely know where to begin, but let’s start with the pork rinds.
You seem confident that you’re set for life when it comes to your salty snack of choice, but the fact is, factories can close. Health and safety inspections can go badly, employee strikes can tear apart company culture, supply chains can be compromised by weather and transportation issues. I’m not suggesting I would cause any of these things, I’m just pointing out that you never know what can happen. Do you really want to leave the one good thing in your life to chance?
Sell your soul to me, and I guarantee pork rinds forever. Even after your cholesterol-fueled heart attack next year, you’ll be fed those greasy abominations down here in Hell. Of course, I use the word “fed” loosely here, in that they will go from being outside of your body to inside. Sometimes they will be shoved down your throat with such force that you’ll suffocate, sometimes they’ll be shoved up your ass, and sometimes demons will slice open your belly and stuff them directly into your stomach. Sometimes I’ll fill your mouth with oozing sores and you won’t be able to eat anything without fainting from the pain. Of course, you can always choose starvation, but my guess is, even under those circumstances, you won’t be able to resist those damn pork rinds.
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to email@example.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan