Divine Advice For Kyle Rittenhouse

Dear Divine Advice,

I thought helping the brave police in Kenosha battle the violent, anti-American Black Lives Matter and Antifa anarcho-communists would finally get me laid, but it hasn’t. Sure, being a national hero is great and all, but I’m 17 years old. I need to get my dick wet. The good news is Trump says I can be his Secretary of State when he gets re-elected, and one of the fringe benefits of this position is an Epstein-certified brothel. That will be sweet, but I don’t think I can wait until January. My cellmates keep teasing me about still being a virgin, and even though I won’t ever see any of these jerks again once my Nazi lawyer gets me out of jail, I still need their approval. Do you guys have any advice on how to better leverage my fame in order to win over the ladies? I’ve already tried getting really good at cow tipping and shooting empty beer cans off of wooden fences but nothing seems to impress these classy tramp-stamped high school dropouts I’ve been wooing.

Sincerely,
Kyle Rittenhouse


Dear Kyle,

I’ve never had to work very hard to get the ladies, so I can’t really relate to you incel types. In fact, we VOLcels (voluntarily celibate, obviously) take exception to the your whole deal. I know, it must drive you mad knowing that your feeble attempts at cyber flirting over facebook and Instagram gets you laughed at, mocked and humiliated, meanwhile guys like Gandhi and me have to beat them off with a stick.

One thing I will say is that incels should never try becoming volcels. That transition never works out, and if you don’t believe me, you can ask any one of those Catholic priests that got caught being too friendly with their altar boys. The mistake they made is they mistook their lack of social skills and overall repulsiveness as a sign that they had a higher calling. It turns out there’s more to being a religious leader than just being an unfuckable deviant. Or at least there should be. All I’m saying is don’t be part of the problem by joining the clergy for the wrong reasons. Clearly you don’t have the compassion necessary, otherwise you wouldn’t have murdered those protesters.

So what should you do about all of your pent-up sexual frustration? I’d recommend pouring that energy into sports like kids used to do in the old days, but obviously you’re too soft and out of shape for that. Masturbation is out, too—not only because it’s a sin, but also because it’s what lead to your misogyny and objectification of women in the first place.

There is really only one thing that will work for a guy like you and that’s castration. There are many ways to accomplish this. You can cryogenically freeze your nuts and smash them with a hammer, you can cover them in honey and wander naked in a bear cave, or (my personal favorite) you can repeatedly slam them in a Bible again and again until they die and fall off. That last way may be the most painful, but it’s also the most poetic and the most pious. If you just can’t summon the strength necessary to do it yourself, just call me and I can arrange to have your nuts struck by lightning.

—Jesus Christ


Dear Kyle,

The fact is, most 17-year-old boys are incels. They all feel like they should be able to fuck anyone they want simply because the desire exists within them, and they feel tremendous humiliation whenever they get rejected. However, most of them don’t vigilantes and direct their rage at civil rights activists in the name of white nationalism. Most teenagers instead learn to develop stronger interpersonal skills by actually communicating with their peers instead of stalking and harassing them. This allows them to recognize the objects of their desires as actual human beings, not just obstacles to their happiness and satisfaction. Why aren’t you kids as well adjusted as previous generations? Most people seem to blame some combination of video games and Donald Trump, and the fact is, these people are right. Idiots like you see the racist and sexist comments Trump makes on Twitter and it legitimizes your own misogyny and bigotry. If being an asshole is good enough for him, why shouldn’t it be good enough for you?

Confession: I’ve been out in the world fanning the flames of this cultural war all as a means of creating a market for this new videogame I’ve been developing where Trump drives around in a tank version of the General Lee from The Dukes of Hazzard running over Antifa and Black Lives Matter rioters, blowing up Ivy League schools, Planned Parenthoods, synagogues and mosques. The boss at the end of the first level is AOC. You have to be careful because she’s really hot and will try to seduce you with her famous sexy dance moves before clamping your dick in a bear trap. Next level is the deadly team of Tom Hanks and Hillary Clinton who are trying to steal your daughters and sisters (and sister-daughters, why not) and turn them into sex slaves. I’m still working on who should be the big boss at the very end of the game. I’m open to suggestions.

—Satan

Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan

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