Divine Advice for Rob Manfred

Dear DA,

If you’re watching from up there, I apologize.

What can I say? This is a mess. A bizarre, unmitigated mess.

Teams keep getting COVID, Yankees keep getting injured, and of course, the Mets continue to be the bane of my existence.

Something is wrong with them. Players like Cespedes decide they aren’t going to play anymore and just wander off, like they’re volunteering at a soup kitchen, and the Mets are totally fine with it. Can you imagine a player doing that on the Yankees? Or even just a regular guy doing that at his job? Literally just wandering off one day, after you just paid him millions of dollars?  It’s like the Mets just don’t get it, that they’re a professional baseball team, and that there are certain standards.

Then they go and get COVID right before playing the Yankees, our biggest cash cow. I swear I think they’re doing it intentionally, just to drive me crazy.

The games are eerie, bordering on disturbing. The empty stands, the weird applause track. Even for people who are bored out of their minds, it’s a big ask, to get them to sit through something like that.

I get that this has been hard on everyone, but could you maybe get some of these guys to help me out a little and do their jobs? If you sign a contract, don’t just wander off anytime you feel like it. And the social distancing measures are there for a reason. If you need beer or prostitutes, tell your manager, and he’ll take care of it. Don’t just wander around strange cities touching lampposts and licking sex workers, this isn’t a normal season.

I know you’ve got a lot on your plate, but I just can’t seem to get through to these guys. A lot of them are superstitious, or, um, religious. They’ll listen to you, probably. Please help me out if you can.

Rob Manfred
MLB Commissioner

Dear Rob,

It’s time for a dose of cold, hard reality. You can’t blame COVID or the Mets or any of the other spoiled overpaid players. The fact is, people just don’t give a shit about baseball anymore, and they haven’t for a long time. Your fall from grace was precisely mirrored by History Channel ratings. Just as Hitler documentaries are being replaced with Duck Dynasty and shows about UFOs and Big Foot, baseball is being usurped by football and basketball in the American consciousness. The same thing is happening in Canada with hockey losing ground to the NBA even in cities without teams. World War II vets couldn’t live forever, so this was inevitable. You’d think racism would have the opposite trajectory, but unfortunately, this hasn’t been the case.

If you want to blame anyone, blame this generation of fathers who care more about comic books than sports, and are raising kids who stay inside all day playing video games. Ask any 12-to-20-year-old and they won’t even know COVID is happening.

I suppose you can also blame Hollywood. When was the last time there was a Field of Dreams or a The Natural or even a Major League II to romanticize the game and trick people into thinking it is in any way interesting. Instead, you have Sonic the Hedgehog, Detective Pokémon, and Wreck-It Ralph II, which further prove my point that sports have been replaced by videogames.

My advice is if you want to bring baseball back from the brink, write a baseball movie and get whomever this generation’s Robert Redford is to direct it. Most people would agree this is Zach Galifianakis.

—Jesus Christ

Dear Rob,

One of Major League Baseball’s biggest problems nobody’s talking about is how lame it’s player scandals are. So you have guys wandering off and not doing what they’re being paid to do. Big deal. When was the last time one of them stabbed their pregnant mistress in the belly and let her bleed out on the side of the road? Now, I realize my example is more of a football player crime, but with a little thought, I’m sure you can find a niche for the MLB.

The other major issue is the game itself. It’s just so fucking boring. You need to figure out a way to sex it up a little. Maybe even literally. What if dugouts were just pits of mud where the players rolled around naked when they weren’t in the field or at-bat? Or maybe replace the cotton uniforms with tight leather catsuits with holes cut out for the ass cheeks and dicks. And it couldn’t hurt to use rubber dildos instead of balls, and design the gloves to look more like vaginas.

If sex doesn’t work, add violence. For instance, if a pitcher intentionally hits a batter with the ball, the ump with tie raw steaks to him and release hungry tigers onto the field. And maybe you can hire a mad scientist to create giant spiders that can just wander around in the outfield. Or have each base rigged with a bomb and randomly detonate one of them each game. Nobody would ever know when it was coming and everyone would be nervous. But then everyone would get so caught up in the game that they’d forget about it, and that’s when someone would explode, raining human flesh down all over the field. At that point, the game would be over no matter what inning it was, and whichever team was ahead would be declared the winner. If it happens while the game is tied, the winner will be determined by a gladiator-style fight to the death between the two head coaches. The best will be the games where the explosion happened after the very first hit, because, let’s face it—even with these changes I’m proposing, nobody wants to sit through nine innings of baseball.


Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan

H. Seitz
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