Horoscopes for July 2020







Sure it’s fun to hang out with your cousin. He has an Xbox, he lets you drink his mom’s wine coolers, and he has the special edition Twilight box set with the pop-up Kristen Stewart. But do you ever wonder why your crotch is always so sore the next morning and you can barely remember a thing? On second thought, maybe don’t bother wondering and just stop hanging out with your cousin.     

I think it’s time we put an end to this farce. You’re on your third mortgage, pay two grand a month in alimony, and are lucky to have the dead-end, mid-management job you somehow managed to con your way into. Unless you win the lottery or get struck by a meteor, your life, for all practical purposes, is over. 

Technically, it’s possible that you could quit drugs and turn your life around, but it’s much easier to just keep telling yourself that than it is to actually try it. And if you think about it, the only time you feel guilty or depressed is when the drugs are starting to wear off. So it isn’t the drugs or your life that’s the problem, it’s just the world in general, and there’s nothing you can do about that, anyway. So you might as well just relax and enjoy your drugs.

Horoscopes are not real. We write them as filler, or for fun (supposedly). They aren’t meant to be taken seriously. You’re supposed to be the diplomat of the signs, but there aren’t always two sides to a story. If a guy is drugging and sexually molesting his underaged cousin, it’s obviously her fault for wearing yoga pants, end of story. And at least he wasn’t wearing a condom. Stop trying to be such a Libra all the time and just be yourself. Or better yet, try pretending to be someone more interesting. 

Being the sexy bad boy of the horoscope is a lot to live up to, and you’re clearly not up for it, especially now. How are you supposed to be a bad boy when you have to run home halfway to the supermarket because you forgot to wear your mask? And how are you supposed to be sexy when you’re afraid to be within six feet of anybody? Some people are so desperate they’ve started fucking their cousins, and as a Scorpio, you should have just nodded along right now, instead of gagging like an uptight prude. And it took you way too long to get that double entendre. Seriously dude, get it together. 

People are so bored and stir crazy that they’re actually calling you! You! They immediately regret it afterwards, but still, they called, and no one can take that away from you. You’re actually helping a lot of lonely people to realize that a life of solitude really isn’t that bad, so in a way, you’re doing just as much to raise morale as anyone. Not really, but in a way.  

People used to laugh at you for buying toilet paper by the pallet, but who’s laughing now? You’d be happy to “lend” them some, but you can’t because of social distancing. Of course it’s a tragedy, but this plague has been like a dream come true for you. For the first time since you can remember, you’re having regular, pain-free bowel movements. Feeling guilty about it isn’t going to help anyone, so you might as well just enjoy it while it lasts. 

None of us enjoy visiting our in-laws, but your first reaction to a global pandemic should not be to pump your fist like you just hit a birdie. To be fair, the misfortune of others has never really bothered you, so you’re at least consistent in that regard, and with the way things are going, you might just be able to postpone that weekend get together indefinitely. Fingers crossed. 

Some people base their self-worth on how much it would cost to produce the movie of their life. For example, the Unabomber’s life would be (and actually is) a TV movie. Most of it would consist of a dishevelled guy hunched over a typewriter in a shack in the wilderness. You could produce a movie of that life for a couple of million, tops, whereas Neil Armstrong’s life would cost $283 billion adjusted for inflation, plus a few hundred thousand for all of his non-moon related activities. So far, your life has cost over six trillion dollars and counting for the US alone, and all you had to do was undercook a bat. What you have to understand is that it ain’t about the cha-ching cha-ching or the bla-bling bla-bling. In our heart of hearts, we just want to make the world dance and forget about the price tag.

Honesty is actually one of the worst policies. Sure it would ease your conscience to come clean, but maybe you should start thinking about other people’s feelings for a change. Your cousin is already embarrassed enough about blacking out as it is, and now you’re going to make her feel like a slut, too? Not cool, man. Not cool. 

Responsibility, like dignity, fairness, and equality, is just another one of the dirty tricks the government uses to guilt us all into staying in line. They’ve already got you recycling and wearing pants most of the time, and now they want you to wear a mask? They’re practically calling you ugly, and then laughing at you behind your back for being such a gullible chicken. No texting while driving, no using the n-word, and now this? Enough is enough already. 

We’ve all fantasized about going back in time to bet on a pony, but do you really want to take the GRE again, too? And you just finished folding that huge pile of laundry. Eventually, you’ll realize that there are more things that you’re happy to be over with than there are that you’d want to repeat, and that you’re too lazy to do the good stuff again anyway. 


H. Seitz
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