Divine Advice For Christopher Nolan

Dear DA,

It seemed extravagant at the time, but I’m thanking my lucky stars I bought my Dolby home theater when I did. The difference is like watching Pornhub on your phone vs being in an actual whorehouse. You want to hear my famous “BWAANG!” sound the way I intended, it’s the only way to go.

We’re all working really hard on Tenet, which may be the last major studio release ever. Of all the things affected by COVID-19, the cinema being shut down has probably hit me the hardest. I’ll be sitting around knackered and think to myself that a nice trip to the cinema would be just the thing, but then I remember the cinema is no longer an option. They’ll reopen for Tenet, for one last gasp as they say, and that’ll be that.

Maybe Drive-Ins will make a comeback? My “BWAANG!” sound doesn’t quite come through the tinny speakers, but Tesla will probably figure something out.

As wonderful as the home system is, it just isn’t the same as mucking about on a tacky floor to sit in a crowded room full of noisy strangers.

Now that my career is pretty much over, what should I do? Maybe Broadway? I could do a great onstage production of The Dark Knight, with trampolines and tightropes and a full orchestra to go “BWAANG!” Or I could go back to my roots in hardcore pornography. The porn nowadays is so paint-by-the-numbers, I really think I could break some new ground.

Christopher Nolan

Dear Chris,

People who say they’re “going to the cinema” don’t really know what movies are in the same way people who say they’re “going to the symphony” don’t know what classical music is. Now that your career is over, why do anything? You’ve got more money than anyone could spend in a lifetime as it is. One thing’s for sure—we don’t need another director of hardcore pornography. The person behind the camera has never mattered less. This isn’t the 70’s. Nobody gives a shit about story or atmosphere or set-up or corny dialogue. Porn parodies of real movies have amusing titles, but they’re tedious. Anything longer than 12 minutes that doesn’t start with the people already naked and end with a cum shot to the face is tedious. There’s nothing an auteur filmmaker can bring to the table that isn’t just a waste of time and money.

Unless that auteur is me. The fact is I have access to every bedroom, elevator, airplane restroom, and back seat of a car parked at inspiration point in the world. I see every single sex act ever performed from every angle at once, and I record every second of it in Infinity-K resolution with my infallible god brain. I would gladly edit and upload it all for you humans to watch, but the current technology down there just isn’t good enough. So if you want something useful to do, get on that. I’m sure you know some tech people that can come up with something. I’ll also need someone to travel the globe and collect release forms from every consenting adult on earth. Think you can handle that? Make sure everyone knows they’re not getting paid.

—Jesus Christ

Dear Chris,

I’m on board for a Christopher Nolan porno, but only if you can get Christian Bale to fuck Heath Ledger’s corpse while Katie Holmes munches Maggie Gyllenhaal’s pussy, Morgan Freeman fucks Anne Hathaway’s tits and Tom Hardy jerks off onto Michael Caine’s stomach. Did I forget anyone? Oh yeah—Liam Neeson and Killian Murphy can be there, too, I guess. Why not? And in case it’s not obvious, I’m not talking typical R-Rated movie sex, I’m talking full-on penetration with airborne cum shots. Maybe even with slo-mo. And I know it’s more J.J. Abrams’ thing, but it wouldn’t kill you to throw in some lens flares.

This won’t exactly be ground-breaking. Vincent Gallo already beat you to the punch with Brown Bunny, but if you can get it done with A-listers, you’ll be a national hero. And if you can’t, I’ll gladly fill in for anyone who turns you down. I don’t mean to brag, but I have a 12-inch barbed cock and I’m quite the shape-shifter. In Morgan Freeman’s case, my dick will be a step down from his, but if you shoot from the right angle, nobody will be able to tell it’s not really him. The person whose ass I’m pounding will be grateful, that’s for sure.


p.s. I’ve already talked to Hans Zimmer. He’s willing to do the score for free, as long as he can be on set when Tom Hardy is shooting his scenes.

Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan

H. Seitz
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