This COVID-19 thing is really starting to get to me. Of course I feel badly for everyone and I know I’m relatively lucky, but I think I’m starting to go crazy.
Being cooped up in my Tribeca mansion didn’t seem so bad at first. I was masturbating 5 times a day as usual and getting really good at playing the banjo. I can actually play Eruption on the banjo now. Why would anyone bother learning how to play Eruption on a banjo? Maybe because they’re bored out of their mind and you can’t just masturbate forever.
Anyway, my mansion is in NYC, so it’s more of a townhouse, or to people who don’t live in NYC, a nicer than average normal-sized house. I have an infinity pool, one of those stationary bikes that rams a dildo into you as you pedal, a cat, and plenty of ravioli, so I thought I was fine. All set. But I’m starting to realize I hate ravioli, I can’t find my cat, and the bike is fun and all, but what if I just want to exercise without the dildo?
I really didn’t think this out, and now I want to cry. I tried to order a normal bike from Amazon but they all have dildos attached. Or maybe I was looking at Pornhub? And there’s blood coming out of my infinity pool? And fur?
That reminds me, I really have to find my cat. I was going to teach her how to swim today. Or maybe that was yesterday?
I’ve been watching a lot of videos and Avril Lavigne, wow, she has the prettiest armpits and she can ride a skateboard! What can I do to get armpits like that? Does it involve skateboarding? Is there any way to attach a dildo to a skateboard?
Ok, I have to go find Little Ron Jeremy. While you’re answering questions maybe you could also tell me where she is?
Thanks in advance,
Did you know that I’ve never masturbated in my entire existence? Not once in all my 33 years of human life and not once before or after that. Not once as The Father. Not once as The Son. Not once as The Holy Spirit. Sure, in a couple of those forms, I don’t even have a dick, but even when I do, its hand’s off. While on Earth I didn’t even touch myself to piss. There were no toilets back then, so what was the point of steering your stream in any particular direction? When I was a teenager, I had wet dreams10-15 times a week, and when I would wake up, I’d self-flagellate with a barbed whip like that albino in The Da Vinci Code. That was how self-flagellation was invented, actually. Anyway, the point is, when it comes to the sin of masturbation, I’ve always practiced what I preached. And it’s not like I never get the urge to go a few rounds with the clown. I’ve been hanging out with prostitutes most of my life (both up here and down there) so I’m constantly being tempted. And now that there’s this whole COVID-19 business (that’s right—we have it up here in Heaven, too), the temptation is unbearable. You’re a little bored after being stuck inside for a couple of months? Well, time works differently up here. It’s like Groundhog Day, so 60 days can literally be forever. And since I’m infinity years old, I’m considered high risk, so I can’t even leave my floating gingerbread house to get groceries or drugs. I tell you, I’m about to lose my shit, and when I do, it ain’t gonna be pretty down there on Earth. Enjoy your dildo bike while you can.
p.s. I kind of “borrowed” Little Ron Jeremy. Trust me, I need his company more than you do. Sorry about the mess in the infinity pool, though. I was in a hurry.
I have to say I’m a little disappointed that you’re not out there with the MAGAheroes protesting the lockdown outside City Hall. You have blond hair and blue eyes, which makes you a real American. As such, you have a moral obligation to stand up against tyranny, and if you were to do it while wearing a wet t-shirt, that would be all the better. Of course, if you don’t own a wet t-shirt, you can always do it topless. In any case, your country needs you. It’s your God-given right to selfishly defy state orders and endanger your fellow citizens just so you can get a haircut. Have you looked in the mirror lately? For a second, I thought you were wearing a broom on your head. Maybe if you took your shirt off, it would draw attention away from the hair. It’s worth a shot, right? Speaking of “shot,” don’t forget your shotgun when you go out to protest. I know most people out there have AK-47’s, but you were never one to follow the crowd.
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to firstname.lastname@example.org, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan