Some very important information has been brought to my attention. According to the current President of the United States, the former President of the United States was actually a Muslim Kenyan Terrorist. He lied about his birth certificate, religion, and just about everything else you can imagine. He was even a part of the “climate change hoax,” though I can assure you that he had no idea it was a hoax, but as President of the United States, he should have known, so I honestly don’t know what’s worse, the fact that he didn’t know, or the fact that he unknowingly went along with it.
I wish that was all, and as much as I hate the idea of possibly implicating anyone else, I feel it is my due diligence to report that this ex-President’s wife has been alleged to be a pre-op transsexual. I give you my personal assurances that this is not the case, but as this individual has close personal ties with me, I must insist you conduct your own investigation, whatever that entails.
I apologize for my tardiness, but there have been over 200 of these allegations over the past 10 years, and there are new ones seemingly every day. I hesitate to call them “spurious,” as I don’t want to unduly bias you in any way, but so far, 97% of these allegations have been found to be false and the remaining 3% to be merely “questionable.”
In order to ensure that I do not unduly bias you at all, I must also refrain from revealing my identity. Please do not take this personally, as I will be more than happy to converse with you in person once this never-ending ordeal hopefully (eventually) comes to a close. For now, for legal reasons, I must leave you with my initials and personal code. Please do not speculate on what these initials stand for, and confine any implicit speculations to an area apart from your better judgment.
If Obama was a Muslim terrorist, then he was a shitty one, because not a single 9-11 happened during the entire eight years of his presidency. Also, Bin Laden was killed during that time, and while Obama may not have personally pulled the trigger, you can bet your ass The Cheeto would have taken full credit for it had it happened during his reign. And let’s not forget about all those drones—so many dead Muslim civilians. I mean, could Obama have been a worse Islamic terrorist?
As far as the climate change “hoax” is concerned, I’m officially giving up. If you won’t listen to the scientists and you won’t listen to Al Gore and you won’t listen to Me, then you won’t listen to anyone. You’re ruining my favorite planet with your cow farts and your sports cars and your chemical spills just to spite the libtards. I know I should be grateful. Armageddon was going to be a lot of work, and you guys are doing it all for me. The thing is, I was really looking forward to Armageddon. I had this whole big plan where dragons were going to boil the oceans and burn down the cities all while singing heavy metal classics. If you ungrateful assholes regret anything, it’ll be missing out on the heavy metal dragons. For me, there will still be satisfaction when it comes time for the rapture. I’m planning only taking Hindus just to spite the conservative Christians. I can’t wait to see the looks on their faces.
Dear B. Hussein O.,
I hope you don’t mind, but I accidentally-on-purpose had sex with your wife Michelle. It was dark, and she was wearing an Eyes Wide Shut mask. We were at this big orgy together, so it was only a matter of time before my 12-inch barbed dick found her tight postmenopausal pussy. It was me and a bunch of first ladies—Laura Bush, Melania Trump, Hillary Clinton, Zombie Mary Todd Lincoln, and Zombie Eleanor Roosevelt. Zombie Princess Diana was also there because I’m the Devil and I can make things like that happen.
Anyway, Michelle was the one I spent the most time fucking. I mean, we did everything—doggie style, froggie style, reverse cowgirl, upside-down cowgirl, and even missionary. Now, don’t freak out, but I may have cum inside her a little. Most of it landed on her face, but I was a bit late pulling out. The problem is, even though she’s postmenopausal, she can technically still get pregnant because I’m the Devil. And trust me, at her age it’s not going to be a fun pregnancy. The good news is you’ll get to be a father again because I certainly won’t want anything to do with the little bastard.
Some things you should know about infant demon spawn: 1) they will most likely chew your wife’s nipples off 2) they are going to need to eat one entire live goat per day until they’re six months old, at which point they’ll need two goats per day 3) do not read to them in Latin—they’ll assume you’re trying to exorcise them, and that won’t end well for you. This all may sound scary, but it’ll be worth it. Nothing brings more joy than hearing the pitter-patter of little cloven hooves, or their sinister giggles right before they slit your throat.
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to email@example.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.