I’ve got to be 100% honest. The only lesson I’ve learned from my ordeal is to stick to prostitutes, or as I refer to them, the only real female adults. You ask them a question (can I masturbate in front of you?) and they give you a straight answer (for you, $200.00, because you’re fat and I’ve seen you on TV).
What exactly did I do wrong? People say it’s because these women were subordinate to me, but I don’t buy it. If I had asked my Mexican landscaper if I could masturbate in front of him, would there have been all of this outrage? The answer is no, because Paco would have said yes. Watching me masturbate is easier than mowing my lawn, and he has to watch me masturbate while he mows my lawn anyway (I don’t believe in curtains).
I know I said I understand now why what I did was so horrible but I’m obviously lying and just as confused as ever, and rightfully so. I asked these women for consent. Maybe it’s inappropriate and disgusting, but it’s what I’m into, and I asked, and if the lady said no, I didn’t do anything! And aren’t these the same people who are defending treefucking and grown men identifying as five-year-old girls? What in the actual fuck?
I don’t have a problem with treefucking. If you want to fuck a tree, go ahead. Grown men pretending to be five-year-old girls–honestly, that’s kind of fucked up. To me, that’s a lot worse than wanting to jerk off in front of a twentysomething PA.
I’m almost afraid to admit this, but I’m actually happier this way. I still perform at small clubs in NY and nobody in NY gives a shit because they have actual, real-life problems, like their overwhelming rent. Studio apartments in Manhattan are a million dollars, so New Yorkers get it. When you can finally afford a place of your own to jerk off in, you take advantage. It’s actually polite here, to offer the delivery guy your bathroom to jerk off in. Maybe I’m lying about that but it should be the truth.
Anyway, I’m off social media, out of the spotlight, the “black” sheep (is that racist now?), and I love it. It’s forced me to remember that the entire point of all of this was to avoid having to get a job.
I never thought I’d turn to religion for tolerance, but here we are, so please tell me what I did wrong and I’ll try to understand it. No mortal can explain this to me, so you’re my last shot.
It’s not consent if they don’t feel like “no” is really an option. If they think they’ll lose their job or be blacklisted or in any other way punished for not watching you jerk off. I’m not sure what’s so hard to understand about that. If anything, you got off easy. You’re still rich, and apparently, people are still willing to pay you to stand on stage with a microphone and be an asshole. I do have one question for you, though. How’s that pickle dick working out for you?
I had forgotten all about that punishment I gave you, but then I found the letter you wrote two years ago. Honestly, I’m surprised it hasn’t been bitten off by a hooker or raccoon by now. How does it smell these days? Two years without refrigeration couldn’t have been good for it. In any case, I can tell from today’s letter that you haven’t learned your lesson, so I guess it’s time to up the ante. Starting tomorrow, your dick will be a cobra that will bite your hand every time you try to touch it. You won’t be able to masturbate without snake-handling tongs, plus you’ll be constantly pissing all over yourself.
Boy, I really hope you learn your lesson this time. You don’t want to know what comes next after the cobra dick.
I want to go on record saying I think you’ve been punished enough and can now go back to being famous. What you did was very naughty, but we all do naughty things now and again—me more than most. On the other hand, I do think it’s hilarious that you’re going to have a cobra for a dick. When Jesus told me about it, I was a little miffed at first. Punishment involving cobras has always been my thing. But then I remembered that imitation was the sincerest form of flattery.
Anyway, I think you should incorporate your new cobra into your act. I know exposing yourself is how you got into this mess in the first place, but the way I see it, if it doesn’t look like a human dick, nobody can complain about it. You do have to be careful, though, because some people are terrified of snakes. The only thing worse than a heckler is a guy who jumps up onto the stage and bashes your dick with the microphone stand.
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to email@example.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.