Divine Advice For Key and Peele

Dear DA,

Which one of us is which? I’m the short fat one, and I’m the tall skinny one.

Let me explain. Or us explain. Both of us are writing this letter. We do everything together. We all always have, and maybe that’s a part of the problem.

We grew up together, and it never really mattered who was who since we were always together anyway. But recently we started wondering about it, so we asked our friends, and none of them would give us a straight answer. Since we’re famous, we tried asking strangers, but none of them seemed to know for sure, either.

Just tell us which one is the tall skinny one, or what his name is, or the name of the fat, shorter one. If you could tell us who both of us are, that’d be great, but as long as we know who one of us is, we can figure out the other one by process of elimination. For example, if I’m Key, the other one can’t be Key, unless he is, and then everything is just reversed. Unless the other one is Peele.

Either way, we’ll finally know, and to make sure this never happens again, we’ll get it tattooed. We already have tattoos that say “Key and Peele” on one of us and “Peele and Key” on the other, so once we find out, one of us will cross out “Key” and the other one will cross out “Peele.” Either that, or if I’m Key, I might cross out “Key” and change the “Peele” to “Not Peele.” Or one of us might cross out one name and the other one might add the “Not.” Or each of us might do both. It really doesn’t get any simpler than that.

We’d also appreciate it if you could get back to us before our surgery. You see, the shorter, fatter one is getting surgery to be taller, and the taller one is getting surgery to be fatter. We thought about the shorter one maybe just losing some weight, but decided this way would be easier.

We’re also getting surgery to swap our faces, like in Face Off. With the tattoos, our bodies being the same, and wearing each other’s faces, we’ll finally put an end to this confusion once and for all.

Thank you in advance,
Key and/or Peele

PS: If you’re about to suggest that we just check our driver’s licenses or birth certificates, we already tried that and it didn’t work. Legally, we don’t exist.

Dear Fellas

Kudos on this much-improved modern version of “Who’s On First.” This may be your funniest sketch yet. Unless…wait—are you two seriously confused as to which one of you is which? That’s just idiotic. Obviously the tall one is…shit. I guess I don’t know either. Which one of you is married to Chelsea Peretti? Her nose is so long that it’s practically a dick, which suggests to me that whichever one of you is married to her is “the gay one.” And since the short, fat one looks better in drag, I have to assume he’s the gay one and therefore married to Chelsea. But that still doesn’t solve the problem, because it still doesn’t tell me which name (Key or Peele) is associated with the short, fat, gay guy married to the receptionist on Brooklyn 99.

Which one of you has decided to give up comedy to make horror movies about black protagonists being antagonized by evil white guys? Which one of you played a sarcastic record producer in Pitch Perfect II? Which one of you has hair? Real hair, I mean—wigs don’t count. Are either or both of you related to the Wayans brothers? Where either or both of you in Black Panther? It seems like at least one of you should have been. As your agent, I will try to get you both in the sequel.

That’s actually the most embarrassing thing about all this. Not only am I the guy who created both of you, I’m also the guy who “created” your careers. See, I knew that telling you apart was going to be an issue, so I initially set out to just book you guys together in everything. But now that you’ve decided to do separate things, I’m totally lost. I guess the only option for me is to merge you into one super tall, super fat person with hair on one side of the scalp.

Actually, I do have another option, don’t I? I could just turn you both into pillars of salt. That seems easiest, actually—I think I’ll go with that.

—Jesus Christ

p.s. I’m actually a huge Key and Peele fan. That probably wasn’t obvious from my response to your letter. Don’t take the salt thing personally.

Dear Keele and Pey,

The other day I was watching your TV show, trying to figure out which of you was Laurel and which one was Hardy. The last one of your movies I saw was silent, so I’m not familiar with your voices. Now I realize that you aren’t Laurel and Hardy, which means you must be Cheech and Chong. Which one of you says, “Dave’s not here, man?” That shit is fucking hilarious. Anyway, I support the idea of fusing you into one person as a way of eliminating confusion. But I would go a little further and give you human female breasts, a snake tongue and 4 stomachs like a cow. Why? Because I’m the Devil and I like messing around bodies like that. It’s true, Chelsea Peretti will no longer want to fuck you, but she was always picturing Terry Crews when she fucked you anyway. The fact is, sometimes while you’re out of town, I appear to her as Terry Crews and fuck her brains out with my 12-inch barbed cock. I suppose this means I could be your child’s real father. I haven’t bothered to check. Does the kid have a tail? Actually, it’s better if you don’t tell me. The last thing I need to worry about is another child support check.


p.s. I’m also a huge Key and Peele fan. That’s the whole reason I fucked Chelsea Peretti in the first place. For the life of me, I can’t remember why I thought that was a sensible means of showing my appreciation. I probably should have just bought a t-shirt or something.

Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.

H. Seitz
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