Greetings and Salutations,
As the author of the 2nd Amendment, I’m writing in to set the record straight.
The Founding Fathers fully intended for every American to embrace his God-given right to unlimited firepower. We pre-supposed machine guns, mustard gas, and even nuclear weapons, and our attitude was and is that if you can afford it, it is your prerogative to bear it.
All this nonsense about muskets or whatever you can hold in your arms, it’s communism is what it is! Americans were supposed to have mechanical arms by now, powered by steam, and able to hoist four score and seven muskets a piece.
The Gatling gun was actually my idea. I tied six muskets round a wagon wheel. Because of the technological limitations of the day, I had to use slaves to powder and load the muskets and keep the wheel turning, but I had a steam prototype ready to go just before my untimely death. My dearly departed dog Betsy, God bless her heart, accidentally shot me with one of the several loaded muskets I kept within arms reach at all times. According to the history books, I died of congestive heart failure, and this is technically true, except instead of fluids building up within my heart, it was a musket ball.
If anything, the people considered to be “gun nuts” are too squeamish and pampered. They have no idea how good they’ve got it. I cut an Indian in half with a musket once, and it took over an hour. Do you know how difficult it is to reload a musket while an Indian and his entire family are wailing at you? Nobody said that Manifest Destiny was going to be pretty, but try explaining that to a bunch of savages.
I’m actually one of the more progressive Founding Fathers. I truly believe that all races are equal, but just races, mind you, and NOT WOMEN. All women are created equally idiotic. You let them vote, you let them drive, and now you let them run around in tights that are somehow pants? RIG (rolling in grave).
I look at the America of today and I see a bunch of fat bozos. It makes me wish I had founded China.
Founding Father 4Life
You Founding Fathers sure love to hear yourselves talk, don’t you. Instead of writing to an advice column to ask for advice, you’ve decided to use the forum to post a long-winded op-ed. Last time I checked, you are neither an editor nor contributing author here at Skull Island Times and are therefore not entitled to submit personal essays for publication. Make no mistake, the only reason we’re indulging you this time is so we can make an example of you for all the other narcissists who’ve been writing in lately with utter disregard for the intended purpose of this column. I’m looking at you, Adam Conover.
Let it be known that, from henceforth, anyone who writes in to Divine Advice and fails to ask for any advice will be immediately stricken with Super Leprosy. This modern rendition of the disease, which I just now invented, is nothing to sneeze at. In fact, if you do sneeze, your nose will shoot off like a bottle rocket. But what really differentiates the new version from the previous model is the burning genitals component. While all of your other body parts will wither and fall off, you’ll only wish that would happen to your junk. Instead, all cocks and cunts will burst into flames, and, by the same miracle I employed to keep the menorah candles burning for 8 days and nights, your junk will remain on fire until your death. Only, death will never come. See, the real kicker with Super Leprosy is that it turns you into an undead zombie, doomed to walk the Earth for eternity (or Armageddon—I still haven’t figured out what I’m going to do about the “End Times Prophecy.”) If I do decide to destroy the Earth, I’ll just move all the Super Leprosy Zombies to another planet to continue their torment. Probably Venus. Actually, you, know what? I think I’ll move you all to that Mormon planet in Sector Seven. Those polygamist bastards deserve to look at rotting flesh and flaming genitals all day.
All that being said, your letter does require a response because it’s about guns. This seems to come up every couple of month, and I’m getting really tired of saying it, but here goes:
I, Jesus Christ, Savior of Mankind, DO. NOT. LIKE. GUNS. I fucking hate them. Fuck what you said about the Second Amendment. You know the opposite is true. You had no premonitions about tanks and machine guns and rocket launchers. And maybe you would have proposed that amendment even if you did know about weapons in the future, but if so, that makes you an asshole.
You’re lucky you died before The Man Upstairs came up with this Super Leprosy thing. It makes Hell seem like a walk in the park. Hell, of course, is where all of you so-called “Founding Fathers” currently reside. Many Americans are in denial of the fact that you assholes were all atheists. Even those of you who publically claimed to be Christians and went to church every Sunday. Of course, these days, being an atheist pretty much guarantees you a free ticket into Heaven, but back then, we had a different view of things. And we don’t believe in retroactive forgiveness, which is why Gandhi is still down here.
Anyway, even if you had been God-fearing Christians, you would have earned your eternal damnation in other ways. You were all aristocratic slave-owning philanderers, many of whom had inappropriate Michael Jackson-style relationships with children. You’ve somehow managed to keep that last part out of the history books, but it’s time I let the cat out of the bag. Of course, many of the rednecks that whack off to the Second Amendment don’t really care about pedophilia anyway. I’m looking at you, former Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore. Anyway, the rednecks will probably continue siting your outdated document as though it’s Gospel whenever it supports their current political agenda. “Free speech” means it’s ok to parade around town like Nazis and drop “N” bombs. “Freedom of religion” means it’s ok to discriminate against gays and refuse to sell birth control pills to women. I’d gladly send all you Founding Fathers back up to Earth if I thought there was a chance you could set everyone straight on the Constitution, but I know it wouldn’t make a difference. As it is with religion, people would rather just believe what they want than know the truth.
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to email@example.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.