Divine Advice For Adam Conover

Dear DA,

When I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, I realized that I’m one of the dumbest people on earth. And not Forrest Gump dumb, but more like Jenny McCarthy dumb.

Why did you give me this epiphany? I was perfectly happy being a completely developmentally disabled person and now it’s ruined.

Do you know how difficult it is being stupid? I’m not an expert, and I don’t want to sound ableist, but it’s like really hard to be happy once you know how dumb you are.

Someone asked me if women are more attracted to tall, athletic, confident men, and I said, with a straight face, that I don’t think so. I also said that men aren’t attracted to women with big tits, fat asses, and tight little tummys. You see, people aren’t animals, and our behavior doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Just because 99.9% of heterosexual men, and probably gay men, straight women, and lesbians, would rather fuck Gal Gadot than Amy Schumer doesn’t necessarily mean that there’s any evolutionary reason for that. And I also defended seven-year olds transitioning.

Liking boobs is just a societal construct like blood. Blood doesn’t necessarily have to be red or be inside of us, but it’s become a societal norm. This is why vampires aren’t allowed in Chuck E. Cheese.

You know, being developmentally disabled is like a superpower, and I’m kind of a hero for being able to live with it and still be scientifically woke. I’m beginning to think that maybe you were just testing me, and seeing as how I caught on, I guess I’m not so stupid after all.

Lesson learned,
Adam Conover

Dear Adam,

You’re not making any sense. First, you say all men prefer big tits, fat asses and little tummies, but then you go on to say that they’d all rather fuck Gal Gadot than Amy Schumer. Even using your own criteria, Amy beats Gal 2-1. Unless you’re saying all men prioritize flat stomachs over big tits and asses, which would be racist. Maybe most white men do, but not everybody. And, actually, not even all white men do. As a lily-white man with blue eyes and wavy (but certainly not wooly or frizzy) hair who likes large woman, I’m living (sort of) proof that you don’t speak for all of us. That’s right—Caucasian Jesus likes big butts and he cannot lie. Not that it matters, since I’m celibate. But when I do choose to torture myself with non-masturbatory fantasies, it’s Gabourey Sidibe and Rebel Wilson I’m thinking about.

Re-reading your letter, I only see two sentences that end in question marks, so let me address those so-called questions:

“Why did you give me this epiphany?”
Answer: I didn’t. That’s not a mirror you’re looking into, it’s a picture of Jenny McCarthy. A better question is why do you have a framed photo of Jenny McCarthy hung up in your bedroom? Wouldn’t you prefer Melissa McCarthy? I know I would.

“Do you know how difficult it is being stupid?”
Answer: No, I do not.

—Jesus Christ

Dear Adam,

Funny you should mention vampires not being allowed in Chuck E. Cheese. I happen to be a lawyer representing a group of blood-loving citizens in an anti-discrimination class action suit against the restaurant. We think we already have those bigots on the ropes as far as getting them to let vamps in. Now we’re working towards getting them to offer a blood alternative to marinara sauce on their pizzas. We’re meeting a lot more resistance with this demand. I think the judge might be a vegetarian. Anyway, I know you’re not a vampire yourself, but you seem very “woke,” and I’m wondering if you’d consider joining our cause. Maybe you can do an “Adam Ruins Everything” episode about vampire discrimination or whatever. I know nobody’s watching your show, but if you can get some expert cameos by sexy vamps such as Elvira and Tilda Swinton, maybe people will tune in. It’s worth a shot, at least. Do me this solid and I’ll make it worth your while. Need me to “Shallow Hal” every man into loving fat chicks? You got it. Want me to change the gender of every seven-year-old in the world? Done.


Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.

H. Seitz
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