Divine Advice For AOC

Dear DA,

Once I again, I’m the victim of the patriarchy. It’s ageism, pure and simple. They say I’m too young and I don’t know anything, but I’ve learned a few tricks from them.

You may have noticed my new “glasses girl” look. Men are all perverts. If you’re a cute girl, anything you do is a fetish. If I ate a banana, I’d be “banana girl.” As “glasses girl”, I’m a double-whammy. I look smarter, and I’m also a fetish.

People are pretty stupid to begin with, but if you sexually distract them, they become dumber than marionettes. As myself, I’m already a force to be reckoned with, but as “glasses girl”, I just might be unstoppable.

Also, can you believe the nerve of that bitch Laura Ingraham trying to tell me how to pronounce my own fucking name? I’m not some pretentious hipster saying “Barthelona” instead of “Barcelona”, I’m a fucking Hispanic woman.

And sorry guys, but I’m not a lesbian. Unless you think that’d help my demographics?

I know I haven’t really asked a question, but what I’m after here is just some general advice. I know I’m young and inexperienced, I have a lot to learn, and any tips you could give me (pun intended) would be greatly appreciated.

Also, and I guess this is kind of a question, have you noticed how Google has become kind of a god? And kind of a racist god? When white male actors become more famous, they grow taller according to Google, and I just found out that this actually changes the heights of people in real life. When Mark Wahlberg was in the middle of a career slump, he was listed at 5’7”. I happened to see him around then and he was 5’7”. Now that he’s more famous again he’s listed as 5’9”, and I swear, I saw him again and now he’s 5’9”. The same thing happened to Stallone. After Rocky IV he was 5’11, then after a string of bad movies, he shrank down to 5’7”, but thanks to the The Expendables and the new Creed movies, he’s back up to 5’10”. Meanwhile, black people stay at the same height forever, no matter what, except for Kevin Hart.

It just occurred to me that they’re probably wearing lifts. I should put my glasses back on. But it’s still racist, except for Kevin Hart.

Sincerely,
AOC aka Glasses Girl


Dear AOC,

Boy this is embarrassing…I can tell you didn’t read last week’s column, otherwise I think your “question” might have been a little different. Anyway, I have to agree about the glasses. You look rather fetching in them. And you look slightly older, too, which makes me feel like less of a perv. But only slightly less.

Anyway, you asked for general advice, so let me give you some. On one hand being single makes you more intriguing to young male voters. They see you smile on talk shows and interviews and you seem approachable. You show pictures of yourself as a geeky teenager and these boys go wild because it means maybe you haven’t realized how hot you’ve become. They look at that dopy ginger you’re dating and it makes them think they have a chance with you. They assume that guy must have a small dick (which I would confirm for them myself if they were to ask). But you know damn well how hot you are. You know you’re in a different league now. Which brings me to my point.

This may sound like dated advice (especially coming from the ultimate symbol of the patriarchy) but I think being single actually hurts your credibility with people outside the 18-year-old-boy demographic. Sure, you could go ahead and marry Small Dick Ginger, but he won’t do much for your status. What you need is to marry a god. And not just any god—The God. Me. And it just so happens I’m currently single. I guess officially I’m married to all the Catholic nuns in the world, but I can get those marriages annulled. I was thinking about doing that anyway as I’ve been trying to distance myself from Catholicism. I know you’re technically Catholic too, but I mean…you’re not really Catholic. You go through three boxes of condoms a week, and you’re pro-choice.

As a general believer in me, you already know what I bring to the table: walks across the ocean surface itself (while those other losers are stuck walking along the beach), plus all the wine, bread and fish you could ask for. Also, unlike that ginger freak you’re with, I speak fluent Spanish. And I don’t mean to brag, but I have a legendary cock. It’s almost too heavy for even me to lift.

No pressure, but if you turn me down, I’ll probably take it pretty hard. And if I get depressed again, who knows what might happen? Another global flood? AI robots rising up and crushing humanity? A third term for Donald Trump?

Actually, that last one’s inevitable. But if you’re with me, I’ll be able to offer great comfort when it happens. 13 rock-hard inches of comfort. Every single night, for eternity.

—Jesus Christ
p.s. Sorry if I came on a little strong at the end there. I’m new to this flirting thing. I don’t really know about boundaries n’ stuff.


Dear Glasses Girl,

Sure, you’re doing just fine on your own, but…

Nixon. Ford. Bush Jr. Trump. What do these assholes have in common? They owe their political careers—and, really their entire lives—to me. I transformed them from hideous trolls into hideous trolls that ruled the free world. Just look at those dumpster fires. Do they look like they could even take a shit without help? Here’s a secret: Donald Trump was never potty trained. He just changes his underwear every time he soils himself. Since he mostly eats fried meat, that’s actually not very often. But still, he’s heinous and everybody knows it. Well, not quite everybody. Do you know what his supporters see whenever they look at him? 1986 Mel Gibson. That’s right—every image of Trump, every embarrassing press conference, every video of him getting peed on by Russian hookers goes through a magic filter that makes him appear as the famous anti-Semitic Superhunk (in his mulleted prime) to those who have already committed their unwavering loyalty. It even works at live rallies. I tried using another filter that made Trump sound smarter, but that one actually made him less relatable to his base.

Anyway, my point is, if I can turn these awful men into the most powerful dicks on Earth, just imagine what I could do for a babe like you. You’d be like Lady Galadriel with The One Ring. What could you do with power like that? Any crackpot socialist thing your black heart desires. Want to force the Koch Brothers to buy solar panels for all the inner city public schools in the country? Or maybe force Evangelical Megachurches to pay for the abortions of every single knock-up undocumented worker? Or how about forcing homophobic bakers to make Dick-n’-Balls-shaped wedding cakes for every gay wedding?

I’ll bet you’re getting wet just thinking about all this. I know I am.

Call me.

—Satan

Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.

H. Seitz

H. Seitz is the author of the Sci-fi novella "Iron Manimal" and a contributing writer at The Skull Island Times.
H. Seitz

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