Horoscopes For 3.24.19

One of your exes used to wear wigs sometimes. It seems ridiculous, but it tricks your lizard brain into thinking “new female.” You’ve probably heard about the studies showing that your brain can’t really tell the difference between porn and reality, except for porn being better in every way except for the acting. It’s true. The magic parts of your brain light up just as if you were having sex with a real person, but the “you” part of your brain gets depressed right after you cum.

Adorable Aries: Saoirse Ronan

The only real freedom or privacy any of us have left is between our ears, and ewww–no thank you. That stuff doesn’t belong anywhere. You wish the police could actually go in there and clean it up, but it would have to be robot police, and even then, it would be embarrassing. But take heart. Everyone has these disgusting, humiliating, unwanted thoughts, so there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Terrified, yes, but embarrassed? No.  

Tantalizing Taurus: Gal Gadot

Remember that ex you used to wear wigs for? He really thought that you were another girl, and that he was cheating on you. He didn’t feel badly about it, but technically, you were lying to him, so you should probably apologize. He’s still in love with the mysterious wig girl who always knew exactly when to appear and disappear without getting caught, and he still wonders why she wore the wig. What was she hiding? Probably some terrible scar from when they removed her brain tumor. Didn’t she realize that he would have loved her anyway? Definitely not as much, but still. It’s strange, isn’t it, how life works out?

Gracious Gemini: Natalie Portman

A famous psychologist got a $250,000.00 government grant to show how much damage a grown man (him) could do in a mansion with just a pair of gardening shears. Can you believe the government wasting money like that? Well you shouldn’t because it isn’t true. The experiment was actually to measure how much damage a grown man (him) could believably blame on a toddler. The government went through 10 mansions before they determined that you could blame anything on a toddler. And in the process, they accidentally found out the one thing Meatloaf wouldn’t do for love. SPOILER ALERT: it’s anal.

Curvaceous Cancer: Priyanka Chopra

Remember how you and your best friend had a tacit agreement not to fuck any of the same people? He’s not a very nice guy, and it didn’t really have anything to do with loyalty, but god what a temper. He didn’t care enough about anyone to be jealous, but you never know with hotheads like that, and some of the women he slept with, my lord. You could instinctively tell that they were diseased immediately. How could he not tell? Did he just not care? Well in any case, I’ve got some bad news for you. That mysterious girl who wore a wig to cover her scar from her brain tumor? He was there. If it’s any consolation, he knew that you were in love with her, so you don’t have to apologize to him. And remember how you were worried that she wouldn’t be able to get the treatment she needed if she got sick again in India? Well you got that one right.

Limber Leo: Elsa the Lion

Remember that episode of the Twilight Zone from the 80s where workmen had to build every minute of the future? This was supposed to explain why you couldn’t find your keys when you could have sworn that you just put them there a minute ago, and then when you look again in a few minutes, goddammit they’re there! Right in front of you! How could you have missed it? Are you losing your mind? Well, kind of. You have a brain tumor. Don’t worry, it isn’t the kind that can turn you into a pedophile like on Law and Order SVU. You’ll still lose all of your friends because of the crazy things it’ll make you do, things so bad they’ll never be able to look at you in the same way even after they know about the tumor, but you’ll be pretty much a vegetable by that point, so there’s nothing to worry about.

Vivacious Virgo: Blake Lively

Life is a series of peaks and valleys. You should think of what you’re going through now as a plateau. A long, downward sloping plateau between two unscalable mountains. You can’t really go forward and you can’t go back, but you can stay still for a little while. It’s kind of like being in limbo, except there’s no god, a strict time limit, and no way in. Actually, a better way to think of it is as a birth canal, except going in the opposite direction. Like if kangaroos had backpacks instead of pouches, and instead of a tail, they had dementia.  

Luscious Libra: Alicia Silverstone  

Somewhere, someone is out there whose favorite movie is Bumblebee. That movie will change this person’s life forever, and in turn, this person will change the world and our lives irrevocably, all because of Bumblebee. Context matters more than content, which is why some people cry when they hear Livin’ La Vida Loca and laugh at the Mona Lisa. Not because it’s terrible or a masterpiece, but because their first love broke up with them while it was on in the background or a fat man farted at the Louvre. Each of our lives is a tragic, beautiful farce.

Sultry Scorpio: Brittany Murphy

Not soon or already but always, we inhabit the past. Each moment passes before we reach it, so we are left groping in the darkness as we stumble backwards into the future, trying to grasp hold of life as it eludes us. We can never catch up or escape, or quite believe how far away it’s become or how close it once was. Were we ever together at all? Does that thin line of time still connect us? If we had only known it was our last second, we would have held on tighter.   

Sexy Sagittarius: Taylor Swift

Were we ever children? Would we ever know if our entire life was imagined or exchanged anew from moment to moment? This life that feels forever known is just one of all the lives that we inhabit. We are forever switching and swapping without realizing it. We perceive as though we are singular and constant for the sake of our collective insanity, which is why we fear the truth of union and compassion.

Capricious Capricorn: Zooey Deschanel

A man wrote you a letter today. You know the man and you know what he wants to say, but that isn’t what he wrote to you about. He decided to send it without a return address so he would never have to know if you decided not to write back. What he doesn’t know is that you’ll never receive the letter. Information may be forever conserved, but it can also be forever lost.

Angelic Aquarius: Julia Garner

There are monsters in the world, and if you’re not careful, you’ll become one of them. The change might be so slow it’s imperceptible, but each one is more indelible than the last. Being able to change is not the problem, it’s never being able to change back.

Passionate Pisces: Sophie Turner

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