Horoscopes for 3.1.19

Just in case any of you might have forgotten:

This isn’t just another one of those “horoscopes” that spews out vague platitudes that could apply to anyone. No no no. When you’re reading and start to think “gee whiz, this really seems to be about me,” that’s because it is. The stars know. I know. Your horoscope seems like it’s about all of those intimate details you shared with me in confidence because it is. You can’t have it both ways. You can either get cryptic gibberish, or a real, straight from the tea leaves/horse’s mouth/duck’s intestines horoscope. A lot of horses and ducks had to die for these horoscopes. Now that I think about it, the horses didn’t actually have to be killed, but rest assured, they’re all dead.


We are very special apes. We’re the apes that laugh and cry, like chimps, baboons (technically monkeys), and gorillas. But what makes us special is that we’re storytellers, or at least gossips. We’re the apes who tell stories. We made them up while wandering around in the forests and deserts thousands of years ago. This is why we can be sure that the bible is true. It was handed down to us by another laughing, crying ape, just like us. and did we give him a banana as a reward? It isn’t recorded in the ancient scriptures, but we did. Yes we did. And then we crucified him.

Your life has become like the movie Fight Club, except there’s no fight club, no Marla Singer, and no imaginary friend. Basically, you’re a corporate drone. But at least you have a decent health plan. It covers all of the pills and potions you need to stay in line, or at least most of them. So like a drugged cow, you wander through the chutes and slaughterhouses of humanity, shoulder to shoulder with your knowing and complacent others. You feel like a rap star–a bad rap star–who chose the worst possible moment to hit loop.  

Prehistoric Aries Event: The last triceratops looks around at the awe-inspiring dinosaur technology surrounding him, then deliberately drowns himself in a tar pit.

Lately, you’ve become “that guy.” The guy who sides with the billionaires because they earned it fair and square, right? And you refuse to see the connection to corporate welfare. If poor people are willing to work for minimum wage, it’s their own fault. Why should Jeff Bezos or the government or anyone care if they live paycheck to paycheck in a constant state of crisis? They have iphones and microwaves, so that balances it all out. But you should be aware that cognitive dissonance causes stress, which can trigger genetic dispositions towards cancer. No matter how willfully ignorant you try to be, the human brain (or for that matter, even the chimp brain) just isn’t built to be that stupid. But that’s just more sciency gobblygook from another bunch of eggheads, so carry on.

Prehistoric Taurus Event: A neanderthal sees a black bear for the first time and tries to pet it.

Forget about the flying cars–wasn’t technology supposed to liberate us from the daily drudgery of jobs by now? What happened to the life of leisure and tranquility movies like Logan’s Run promised us? You never actually finished the movie, but what a great life they had! At least the part about being able to order prostitutes over the internet came true. They’re usually not as hot as the prostitutes in Logan’s Run (they’re never as hot as the prostitutes in Logan’s Run), but that’s your own fault. Those incredibly hot prostitutes are out there, but like your mother always told you, you get what you pay for, and you seem to be incapable of delaying gratification (which is a sign of intelligence by the way, or in your case, a lack thereof). Maybe instead of ordering three ugly prostitutes a month, you could order just one incredibly hot prostitute a month. Anyway, about that missing life of leisure and tranquility: you know how a few billionaires literally have as much money as approximately 157 million Americans? The two are connected. Think about it for a few seconds and you’ll get it.  

Prehistoric Gemini Event: The first Jesus Christ comes down too early and is eaten by a python he’s trying to baptize.

Life has been a big, sad, frowny face for you for quite some time now. You’re broke, single, and don’t even have your health. All you have is an iphone, and you’ve used that last connection with humanity to alienate just about everyone. They know it isn’t really you, or at least hope it isn’t, but it’s just too sad and frustrating to try to deal with you. Life is already hard enough for all of us as it is. Now I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that everything is going to be alright.

Prehistoric Cancer Event: The second Jesus comes down in the wrong place and is murdered by pygmies.

You’re unemployed, and that can be scary for anyone–especially a middle-aged man with two third mortgages and alimony. There will be many trials and tribulations to come—the stress will be nearly unbearable at a times, and honestly, this might be it for you. You just might have received your last paycheck. Ever. So you should get on unemployment immediately. Instead of this being the worst six months of your life, you could make it the best. You will literally get paid about $450.00 a week to sit around the house drinking beer all day. The bills can wait. They’re going to have to anyway.

Prehistoric Leo Event: A neanderthal woman sees her reflection in a stream for the first time and cries out in terror.

You’re a rugged anti-authoritarian and a proud libertarian, or in other words, exhausting. You go out of your way to avoid police officers, which actually makes them pay more attention to you, you’ve signed up to use a sketchy new email provider to keep those pesky Google busybodies away from your intellectual property, and those damn statists! Why doesn’t anyone else (except for a few other cranks on YouTube) get it? Virgo, have you ever considered that maybe you want that attention from the police? Or that neither Google or the government could care less about you or your “intellectual” property? The only people who care are third-party vendors who cater their advertising towards you, which while kind of creepy is also actually kind of convenient. Like all libertarians, you think the system is holding you back—that if unbounded by the rule of law, you’d have your own little fiefdom by now. The truth is that you would be cat food. But go ahead and keep raging against the machine. It doesn’t really know who you are, which should be obvious whenever you have to go to the DMV, but people like you perpetuate the myth of government omnipotence, which they appreciate. Not personally, because again, they don’t really know who you are, but in general, they say thank you.

Prehistoric Virgo Event: An early hominid discovers fire and decides that he doesn’t like it, so he puts it out, delaying civilization for 2,000,000 years.

Women are like children. If they don’t want to work, they can just marry some dude and mooch off of him forever. They have the luxury of throwing temper tantrums and being catty and basically acting like they’re still in junior high school. Even when they commit felonies—sometimes even really bad ones like murder—they typically just get a slap on the wrist because society in general, including women, implicitly understands that women are just a bunch of oversexed children. They even cry to manipulate people like children, and you have to pretend to go along with it or they’ll get even more hysterical. Women are well aware of all the advantages this gives them. They’re all for equal this and equal that in public, but get one alone and she won’t even try to deny it (unless she’s a total bitch or an American, or having one of her “moods”). Most of them are even proud of it. And men are such idiots. They’re completely screwed and they know it. The only people who are stupider are those idiot women who actually want equality. Do they understand what that means? Having to work, going to prison when you commit a crime, people expecting you to keep your word, accountability—no fucking thanks.

Prehistoric Libra Event: The first ape-like creature figures out how to masturbate.

Since you’re the one who’s always giving out little tidbits of questionable advice, here’s a piece of advice for you. Otherwise attractive women with a little bump on their nose or one eye that’s slightly larger than the other are ridiculously self-conscious about these things. A woman with a pretty face, nice tits, and an ass to die for will honestly believe that no one wants to fuck her because of that one little crick in her nose. And men mistakenly believe that these women are out of their league. I mean, they are out of their league, but they just don’t realize it. So there’s a lot of extra fucking and happiness to be had if women would only realize sooner (they all realize it eventually) that men will fuck just about anything, and if men would only realize (they typically do on a case-to-case basis years after the fact) that a lot of women are totally DTF.

Prehistoric Scorpio Event: Early hominids conduct their first monkey witch trial.

It’s about time you started taking some of your own advice. Don’t like your wife or kids? Just split, dude. Work getting you down? Walk away. Something will turn up. Or just go ahead and crash on a friend’s couch for a few years and play videogames and chill for awhile. You’ll figure it out. Or maybe you won’t, and so what? What is there to figure out anyway? You live, you die, the monkey god judges you, and then the robots take over. We all know what’s up. So just chill and try not to worry about it. There’s nothing to be done, dude. And if you need to go out and take a walk, go ahead. They won’t lock you out. At least not this time.

Prehistoric Sagittarius Event: The last flying saucer leaves Atlantis.

Instead of taking laxatives, which obviously aren’t working, you should start taking benzos or heroin or something to take your mind off of it. Sometimes the problem is that you’re overthinking it. There is a natural ebb and flow to all things, the tides, the daily migration of sea life from the depths to the surface, the waxing and waning of the moon. Then again, there’s always coffee, cigarettes, and cocaine. If that combination doesn’t have you running to the toilet, nothing will.

Prehistoric Sexy Capricorn Event: The first monkey orgy gets started half a million years ago, and it hasn’t ended yet.

We were both young, selfish, and stupid, and now we’re both old, selfish, and stupid. What I’m trying to say is that I don’t really blame you anymore. I never really did. I understand now that we were both idiots who didn’t really know what we were doing. I thought you knew better than you did, and that’s why I was so mad at you for all those years. Still, a lot of that shit you pulled was pretty unforgivable, and you showed no sign of changing or learning from any of it. Even back then, you should have at least tried to be kind. Life is hard for everybody, but that’s no excuse to go out of your way to be cruel. Come to think of it, I take it all back. I hate you.

Prehistoric Aquarian Event: Asteroid finishes off the remaining dinosaurs, except for the birds, who are all jerks.

It’s your birthday season. Some horoscopes rotate so whoever’s birthday it is goes up on top. We don’t do that here. For us, you’re on the bottom, where you belong and where you’ll stay. When the robots take over all menial labor, you’ll be one of the few humans who has a robot supervisor. And contrary to popular belief, robots already have emotions, which you’ll soon find out. If you think Jenny in accounting is annoying, just wait until you meet your first robot supervisor. A word of advice: do not say anything negative about robots. Automatonophobia just isn’t woke, dude. It’s even worse than transphobia. But it is kind of weird that there are more schizophrenics than trans people, and that schizophrenics are actually forced to take drugs and locked up, or oppressed. Of course, they are crazy, with the hearing of the voices, hallucinations, self-harm, etc. But still.

Prehistoric Pisces Event: The third Jesus Christ is mauled by a panther and decides to just let the antichrist come down instead.

H. Seitz
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