What a year, am I right?
I hosted Saturday Night Live, I fit an entire pear in my mouth, and I think I managed to undo some of the damage I caused by suggesting there’s a difference between eye-rape, grope-rape, and rape-rape.
As a 100% CIS white heteronormative male, I should just shut the hell up and hide myself under a shawl like an arab lady. When Ben Affleck and I are out in public together, I cover myself in a shawl, walk three feet behind him, and keep my eyes to the floor. What I’m trying to say is that I’ve learned my lesson.
And Mary Poppins–have you seen the new Mary Poppins? She’s freakin hot now. I had a dream about her last night, she was beating me with her umbrella and cramming pears down my throat. It was the most powerful orgasm I’ve ever had.
I was watching the old Mary Poppins with the wife and kids and Ben Affleck and I noticed a huge problem. Mary Poppins, the OG Marry Poppins, wears blackface! I know, right? How the hell did we miss that?
I think seeing that as a kid, and some of the other racist stuff I grew up with, like the Boston Red Sox, really messed me up. In every Rocky movie, I used to root for Rocky. I hated Clubber Lang when I was a kid. I was afraid of him.
All of the chimney sweeps in Mary Poppins are in blackface. There’s even a scene where they’re all dancing together and it isn’t even break dancing. Would it have killed them to have one black chimney sweep? If you think about it, it’s the perfect job for a black guy. Is it a black guy, or is it just a chimney sweep in blackface? No one would be able to be racist.
When that shit came on, I ran to cover Ben Affleck’s eyes, but I don’t think I was fast enough. He’s already rapey. If he turns out to be a racist, too, it’s going to be very difficult for him in Hollywood.
Anyway, my question: what can I, Matt Damon, do to be more woke in 2019? Or if that fad is over (God I hope it’s over), what’s the new fad going to be? How can I stay hip and relevant?
Dear Matt Damon,
You got a lot of nerve writing in today and not even saying “Happy Birthday.” It’s not like I expect a gift or anything, but at least some acknowledgment would be nice.
Actually, now that I think about it, I do want a gift. I want you to stop being a fucking asshole, I want you to stop eating babies, I want you to stop catapulting puppies into volcanoes, but most of all, I want a Ferrari Testarossa. Don’t tell me you can’t afford one because I know how much you got paid for Downsizing. That movie was such a load of crap that you’d be committing a deadly sin just by keeping the money you made from it. I’m tired of riding to work on a fucking camel every day, and after all the shit I’ve done for the world, I think I deserve a fucking Ferrari. It doesn’t have to be blue, but if it’s not blue I’ll have my friend downstairs carve you a second anus with a grapefruit spoon.
—Jesus, the Birthday Boy
Dear Matt Damon,
Well you heard the Man Upstairs—you’re getting a second anus. I’m assuming he means for me to dig a hole next to your current ass that somehow connects to your large intestine. If it doesn’t lead to your digestive tract in some way, I don’t think it can technically be called an anus. Honestly, I’m not exactly sure what the hell he means. All I know is my grapefruit spoon is super dull and rusty. Anyway, it looks like you’re in for a rough 2019 no matter what, so there’s no point in worrying about being “woke.” You might as well do whatever the fuck you want.
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to firstname.lastname@example.org, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.