Aries: “The truth will set you free” is just an expression. It doesn’t actually work in court.
Famous Aries: Saoirse Ronan, Hitler, David Letterman
Taurus: No matter how hard you work and successful you are, we all die disappointed and alone. Remember that before starting your next big project.
Famous Taurus: Pol Pot, Jessica Alba
Gemini: Every year you decide you’re finally going to change, and every year you’re wrong. Congratulations on finally giving up.
Famous Geminis: Jeffrey Dahmer, Kanye West, Donald Trump
Cancer: There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to say it: people have had enough of your nonsense and you should really just shut up and disappear for awhile. But on the brightside, this was a lot easier to say than I thought it’d be.
Famous Cancers: Ariana Grande, Meryl Streep, Pancreatic
Leo: After a lifetime of generosity and loyalty, you can’t blame your friends for bailing now that you’re broke. You’ve changed, man.
Famous Leos: Barack Obama, Jennifer Lopez
Virgo: People always said that you were a repressed prude.
Famous Virgos: Ed Gein, Beyonce
Libra: People say that you can get along with anyone, but that’s only because they’ve confused you with someone else.
Famous Libras: Matt Damon, Neve Campbell
Scorpio: Being “the sexy sign” is a lot of pressure to live up to, but you can stop worrying about it. People stopped believing in silly myths a long time ago. Or at least in this one.
Famous Scorpios: Charles Manson, Hillary Clinton
Sagittarius: You actually lived up to your adventurous reputation. Or at least that’s what it says on your headstone.
Famous Sagittarians: Ted Bundy, Taylor Swift
Capricorn: What you’ve always suspected is actually true: you are, by far, the most constipated of all of the astrological signs. But people mistake your intense expression for determination, so there’s nothing to worry about. Except, of course, for the dire medical problems causing your constipation.
Famous Capricorns: Elvis Presley, Muhammad Ali
Aquarius: After over a decade of researching gastroenterology, you’ve finally confirmed what you’ve suspected all along: people are full of shit.
Famous Aquarians: Shakira, Rosa Parks
Pisces: A lot of people say that age is only a number, but those people are wrong. Age is actually a very reliable indicator of just how far your body and mind have deteriorated.
Famous Pisces: John Wayne Gacy, Jennifer Love Hewitt