Divine Advice For Ryan Gosling

Dear DA,

I’m one of the whitest people on earth, and as a woke individual, I am totally aware of my white male privilege and try not to take advantage of it. But something strange happened recently that has me scratching my head.

I went into a Burger King and the line was almost to the door. There must have been at least 15 people in front of me. After a quick scan, I determined that all of them were minorities. There were a few black guys, a couple Mexicans, and the rest of them were fat white women. So as is my privilege, I budged in front of all of them, and they started to complain!

I explained to them about white male privilege, and that I only take advantage of it in emergency situations, like when I’m really hungry (I’m hypoglycemic, so it really was an emergency). I don’t like white male privilege any more than they do, but the rules are the rules, and let’s be honest. If they had black athlete privilege or hot woman privilege, they’d use it all the time. Do you ever see Michael Jordan or Amy Adams standing in line? Of course not.

There was a lot of bitching and moaning, but eventually, they acknowledged my white male privilege and let me cut to the front of the line.

This kind of thing makes me sick. White male privilege is real, people, and ignoring it or pretending that it doesn’t exist isn’t going to make it go away. We have to acknowledge it first by letting me cut in line at Burger King, and then we can begin to address it.

What can I do to get the minorities at my favorite fast food restaurants more woke to their struggle?

Sincerely,
Ryan Gosling


My dear Ry-Ry,

I know just what you mean. Anytime we have an orgy down here in Hell, I hate it when the succubi try to cut in front of me. I mean, hellloooo? I’m the big bad beeyotch here, not them. I don’t care much about white male privilege, but I do know what it’s like to expect royal treatment.

You may want to consider carrying some Kit Kats or Heath bars in your pocket to address that hypoglycemic issue you have. Hangry much? It’ll keep your glucose levels balanced and allow you to act like a regular human being. Because I gotta tell you, it’s time to check yo’self, before you wreck yo’self.

Your expectation that your white male privilege trumps all others for a Whopper Deluxe does not make you “woke”. I do not think that word means what you think it means. Doing whatever you want without concern for others is a problem, not an answer. Can I provide a copy of Miss Manners to help you with this? I’ll even have her autograph a copy for you.

I recommend you read up on the issue and change your attitude quick. I have a room down here waiting for you with all the Whoppers you could ever want. I can even supersize the fries and milkshakes and have Eva serve them to you on a golden platter. (Her spot here was guaranteed as soon as she appeared in Hitch.) But I’d recommend you mend your ways and try to earn your place in the clouds. Otherwise, you’ll be eating Whoppers – and only Whoppers – for eternity.

Even I wouldn’t be able to handle that, and I love me a good burger.

Woke up dude.

Your goddess above all goddesses,
Lilith

Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.

Bridget McCrea

Bridget McCrea

Bridget McCrea is a friend to cats and an aspiring pornographer.
Bridget McCrea

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