The world is a sad, angry, and depressing place. It’s always been this way, but social media has made us 1000 times more aware of it. Occurrences that we might have barely heard about in the 80s or missed entirely are now instantly everywhere all the time. It’s inescapable. You can get off Facebook and Twitter and throw your phone into a volcano, then join the Merchant Marines and go AWOL on the most remote frozen wasteland known to man, and the first Eskimo you run into will ask you what you think about Donald Trump deporting the WNBA, and then tell you you’re a racist for not referring to him as an Inuit. You have to get woke, man! It’s all about girl power and female empowerment and rebooting Friends with Torres Strait Islanders who are lesbians. Torres Strait Islanders are the indigenous people of Australia. Don’t call them Aborigines! That’s totally racist.
My optimism and goodwill toward mankind means nothing and my longing for honest, open communication is barbaric. What’s important is that I adhere to the rigid social standards of speech and behavior that signify I am a woke, virtuous person who will not rest until every possible combination of race, gender, sexual orientation, and paraphilia has its own unique and respectful pronoun that is automatically universally recognized and adhered to according to each individual’s personal preference.
The worst part of all is that I’m lying. I am lying my ass off, to God no less, because I am suicidally overwhelmed by the irrational viciousness of humanity. I don’t want to hear about Donald Trump or antififa or the virtues of gluten-free cat litter (I can’t believe gluten-free cat litter actually exists).
I know that lying is wrong and that what I’m about to ask for is 100% politically incorrect, but here goes: I’m not really Saoirse Ronan and I don’t even have a question. I just pretended to be Saoirse Ronan because you usually put up a picture of the person who writes in, and more than anything else in the world, I need to see a pretty girl.
Saoirse Ronan is one of the most charmingly beautiful women I’ve ever seen in my life. This must seem horribly superficial and inappropriate, but when I look at her I get the feeling that I would fall in love with her the instant I met her. Perhaps it’s sinful to think this way and I know it’s irrational, but she gives me hope and makes me feel happy. So please, for the love of all that is enchantingly mysterious about this unfathomable miracle of a world, put up a picture of Saoirse Ronan with this letter, and please, make it a good one.
I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume the word “mankind” is a typo here—I’m sure you meant “humankind.”
Oh, who am I kidding. I have no idea whether or not you’re allowed to use the word “mankind.” Maybe that’s one of those things only the butchest lesbians complain about. Am I even allowed to use “butch lesbian” to describe flannel-shirt-wearing, crew-cut-having women who munch bush? Heck, can I even say “munch bush?” In my day, pretty much everything was a stonable offense, so it didn’t seem weird to throw stones at gays or women who had the audacity to get raped.
I’m making things worse, aren’t I. Shit. Trying to be “woke” is so fucking stressful.
Soairse Ronan…are you sure? I mean, she’s ok-looking I guess. To me, she kind of looks like a man wearing a wig. Tom Hiddleston, to be specific. Not that there’s anything wrong with a man wearing a wig to look like a woman. There isn’t, right? It’s hard to keep track. And I suppose I shouldn’t care about Soarise’s looks in the first place. But I think I should at least get some points for preferring curvy, darker-skinned brunettes like Sofía Vergara to rakish Aryan blondes like Ronin, shouldn’t I? And I should get double points because Vergara is over 40. Speaking of discrimination in Hollywood, Buscemi, I gotta say—you don’t feel nearly guilty enough about your privilege. Here you are, the ugliest human being ever to walk the Earth, and because you happen to be a white male, you’ve been able to get steady work for over 30 years. Meanwhile, the lovely Portia de Rossi has to hack up her face just so she isn’t run out of town at the age of 45. How’s that fair?
—Jesus the (not quite) Woke
Boy, I’ll tell ya, with all this pressure to never hurt or offend anyone, it’s a great time to be Satan. I may be the only being in existence that’s exempt from this rigid PC standard. Yeah, I can do and say whatever the fuck I want, and everyone’s just like “oh, that’s just Lucifer being Lucifer.”
But in all honesty, even I have my limits. I never use the “N” word, I never say or do anything that would harm children and I never make rape jokes (though I laugh when other people do). So if Satan doesn’t feel like he’s allowed to be truly evil, then who does? Trump, I guess. You know, sometimes I get really paranoid. I wonder if this whole presidency bullshit isn’t just him practicing to be the new ruler of Hell. Well, if it’s my job he wants, he better think again. There’s more to this gig than just locking children in cages and threatening the free press. You can’t just blame immigrants for everything, you have to punish people who actually deserve it. Most of those people are Trump’s best friends and are rich white people. Even Ivanka is destined for Hell. She’s actually going to be a part of his eternal torment. Every time he goes to fuck her, she’s going to magically transform into Tiffany. And then after that, she’s going to bite his dick off. This is going to be what every Monday morning will be like for him down here. I can’t wait.
Anyway, Steve…here’s something Jesus probably wouldn’t tell you. You built up a ton of goodwill when you volunteered to help your old fire department during 9/11. You built up so much goodwill, in fact, that Jesus wouldn’t have the heart to punish you if you were to commit a major sin. What kind of sin are we talking about here? I’ll bet you could probably fuck a dead nun without so much as getting a stern talking-to. Now, I could be wrong about this, but it’s worth the risk, isn’t it? You’ve always wanted to fuck a dead nun. Admit it.
—Satan the Not-So-Evil
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to email@example.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.