Divine Advice For Bubbles

Dear DA,

Why aren’t animals included in the LGBTQ community? Specism is real people. Do you know how difficult is to be a gay animal with no support network?

For some of the “lesser” animals, I get it. Chickens and cows can go to hell as far as I’m concerned. The world is not a perfect place. Players gotta player and people gotta eat. But animals like dogs, cats, and especially primates, deserve agency and consideration.

I was rich. I had it all. Roller coasters, fresh bananas, and a gold leaf tower to hurl my feces at. An indoor gold leaf tower, and it was self-cleaning because we hired Mexicans to clean it.

Aside from being a chimp, I’m also a homosexual. When Michael Jackson dumped me, I lost everything. As a chimp, I had no legal standing, and as a homosexual, I had no community. There are still no organizations for homosexual chimps.

I ended up in an animal “sanctuary.” The place is basically a prison for animals. Do you know those commercials where some Christian guy wanders around a dirty village in Africa full of starving children and begs you to donate 25 cents a week to help them and you just wish he’d shut up and go away? That guy doesn’t even bother with us. All we have is Sarah Mclachlan. She’s good for jerking off to, but it’s not like she brings in any money or anything.

So what can an aging homosexual chimp do to get more people woke to our situation and improve our community?

Bubbles the Sentient Being

My Dear Bubbles,

You’re 35 for Christ’s sake. Haven’t you learned yet that life ain’t fair? You need some chimp-Prozac, stat. So what if you now have to throw shit at trees like everyone else? So what if you no longer have a fresh batch of kids to molest every day? (Because we both know Michael was Ace and it was you who took advantage of those nubile young lads.)

But okay, I kind of see your point. After milk and cookies in Japan, your own crib in Michael’s bedroom, and getting to eat candy in the Neverland movie theater, it must be a huge letdown to share an enclosure with a bunch of other apes. I understand why you tried to commit suicide after Michael dumped you. You poor baby, it wasn’t your fault. You’re no longer a gigolo, now you’re the Machunga.

Let me talk to PETA for you and see what they can do. They could use a new celebrity spokesape. I think taking on the rights of LGBT+ animals is right up their alley. Red paint is so passé these days; maybe they’ll appreciate your willingness to throw actual shit.

In the meantime, buck up little buddy. Take a lesson from the dogs and cats – those animals still go to town on walls, furniture, human legs, whatever is convenient. And at least you still have your balls.

Besides, I can promise that you’ll get a chance to have all the ape-buggering you want real soon. Death gave me the 411 and I’m getting your room ready now. I’m not sure whether it’ll be the trapeze or the multitude of pink zebra-striped pillows that will impress you the most.

You’re welcome.


Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.

Bridget McCrea
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