Divine Advice For Brett Kavanaugh

Dear DA,

I always thought those crazy SJWs screaming that America is a patriarchy were out of their minds, but now, I’m not so sure.

Take me for example. 20 million people watched my hearing on TV. I lied, I was histrionic, I was basically obviously full of shit. And I’m in. And the same thing happened to Clarence Thomas.

At least for the presidency, or at least until Trump, any little thing might have been enough to sink you. Like Donna Rice sitting on your lap or some nonsense about swift boats. It didn’t even have to be true.

Maybe they were a little too fussy back then, but nowadays, we’ve gone too far, and I’m saying this as an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States of America. When will this nonsense end? Trump could nominate Ronald McDonald to run the Food and Drug Administration tomorrow and no one would bat an eyelash. Frankly, Ronald McDonald might be an improvement.

Still, there are a lot of unqualified female scumbags in power, too, which kind of sinks the patriarchy argument. We might be sexist, racist, hypocritical, you name it (the women, too), but officially, according to the rule of law, America technically isn’t. It’s more about money than anything else, and that isn’t just my opinion. You can check the legislation on that one yourself.

What I’ve come to believe is that in this day and age, if you say something loudly enough and repeat it enough, it becomes, for all practical purposes, “true.” It doesn’t work for things like wishing for ponies or dates to the prom (the patriarchy strikes again!), it works mostly in the negative. Like for denials or false accusations. Some masters like Trump can refute physical evidence of reality, like pictures of his inauguration. But even for a relative newbie like me, making me into a guy who did not sexually molest some chick decades ago was child’s play.

But now that I’m a supreme court justice, I have to hold myself to a higher standard. My first order of business will be to indict myself for perjury and whatever else it is I did (I was never very good with the law). I think it would be amusing because I’d basically be investigating myself. Come to think of it, that would make a pretty snazzy little movie. My first dream was always to be a screenwriter, kind of like how Hitler wanted to be a painter.

Who do you think they would get to play me? Or the chick I molested in high school? She’d have to be a hottie. A young Donna Rice would have been perfect. People forget just how hot she was. Pre-orgasm, she could get most heterosexual men to do just about anything. Some of the homos, too.

Brett Kavanaugh
Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States of America

Dear Brett Kavanaugh,

Sifting through your rambling letter, the only real question I see is about the casting of a hypothetical biopic. Really? That’s all you want to ask me? Nothing about whether or not there are going to be any repercussions for your sins? Are you that confident your white privilege is going to extend into the afterlife? And it’s funny, you asked my opinion about the casting like I wouldn’t know for sure or couldn’t control the outcome if I so desired. The fact is, there’s already a picture in the works, and I very much agree with the casting. The list of actors douchy enough to play you is relatively short, but in the end, Stephen Baldwin narrowly beat out Scott Baio for the lead. Sure, he’s much better-looking than you are and he no longer drinks beer, but otherwise, he’s you. His tiny owl-shaped cock is the spitting image of yours, which is a good thing since this film is an HBO production and there will be cocks and tits galore. I’ve seen him rehearsing the scenes where he has to cover Ford’s mouth and threaten her not to scream, and he’s really nailing it. The frat boy bully thing just comes so naturally to him. Instead of casting a younger actor (Zac Efron maybe?) to play him in the high school and college scenes, they’ve decided to take images of Baldwin’s face from Bio Dome and CGI them over his current one. A risky choice, but the tests I’ve scene look flawless. Meanwhile Rose McGowan has grown her hair out in order to play Christine Blasey Ford. Like Baldwin, McGowan hasn’t acted in a while and seems to be cast solely based on the fact that she’s an outspoken activist who annoys the shit out of conservatives. All she really has to do is sit behind a microphone and answer condescending questions from old white men, so I think she can handle it. The only other significant part is the role of Lindsey Graham, played here by the ghost of Charles Nelson Reilly. The director went through a lot of trouble to get him, but honestly, I don’t think it was worth it. Sure, CNR is totally gay enough, but he doesn’t quite pull off Graham’s bitchiness and cowardice. I’m not exactly sure who would be better. Maybe Milo Yiannopoulos if he was older and looked more like Porky Pig. Anyway, I have high hopes for this movie. In some ways, it may be all the punishment you’ll need for your appalling actions and all-around dickishness. Still, I’m planning to hand you over to The Man Downstairs after you die, just in case.

—Jesus Christ

Dear Brett Kavanaugh,

What amuses me most about you entitled right-wing assholes is that you think a lifetime of pretending to be religious will keep you out of Hell. My guess is many of you are secretly atheists and you don’t actually believe in Hell. Man, I love it when people like you show up down here. Just to see that look of horror and surprise on your faces—it’s priceless. The more someone thinks they got away with something on Earth, the more fun I have torturing them. But it’s not just going to be all fun and games for me. Preparing for Team Trump is a full-time job in itself. We’re going to have to build a whole new circle to accommodate you all. The Human Centipede is going to be so long, it’ll eventually look like a line for a ride at Disney World. And can you believe I’m actually running low on rectum cobras? It seems like I’m on the phone with my snake breeder every day and none of you have even died yet. But listen to me complain. It wasn’t long ago that I was actually worried about job security, and now here I am bitching about working overtime. Lucky for me, even with The Man Upstairs taking a more Old Testamenty role in punishment, Team Trump is providing plenty of torment opportunities to go around.


Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.

H. Seitz
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