Divine Advice For Jared Fogle

Why not #metoo?

Not so long ago, homosexuality was considered to be a psychological disorder, and in ancient Greece, pedophilia was not only accepted, it was practically a rite of passage. And look at what’s considered to be acceptable now as compared to just 20 years ago.

So who’s to say that the wheel of time won’t keep turning and eventually remove the terrible stigma attached to my orientation?

For the record, I have never touched a kid. I know that by watching kiddieporn, I have indirectly supported terrorism and drug cartels, just like vegans and heroin addicts indirectly support antivaxers and Muslim insurgencies. We all indirectly support reprehensible things just by participating in society.

I’m not looking for acceptance or forgiveness or even understanding, but I am looking for a way to help other people like me so they won’t have to suffer like I have. I can’t help being this way. I was born this way. Do you think anyone would choose to be born like this if they had a choice?

Affordable Japanese sex robots are going to a reality soon, and they could help a lot of people. Especially pedophiles.

But is it morally or ethically acceptable to build child Japanese sex robots? For all the help this would provide to pedophiles (who get absolutely no compassion by the way), is it worth the cost of acknowledging pedophilia as a marketable sexual orientation and thereby tacitly endorsing it?

I’m a pedophile and I’m not even sure how I feel about this. Any guidance would be deeply appreciated.

Jared “the Subway Guy” Fogle

Dear Jared,

I can’t believe I actually have to explain this, but here goes…

When people talk about moral relativism, they’re full of shit. Just because something was once “acceptable” doesn’t mean it wasn’t always despicable. Slavery is a good example. Yeah I know—the Bible is a little muddy on the issue, but trust me, I’ve always been against it. And when it comes to the Greeks and Romans and all their pedophilia, I didn’t accept it at all. In fact, I destroyed their empires over it. Kinda makes you wonder why I’m currently in the process of destroying America’s empire, doesn’t it? What makes me the most furious is those right wing nutters are going to try to blame it on the gays. And legal marijuana. And Mexican immigrants. And Colin Kaepernick. And abortions. But it’s not those things, it’s the people in charge. The people with power and money. They’re the ones behaving most like the Greeks and Romans at the peek of their debauchery. They’re the ones who think the rules don’t apply to them. Specifically the rules I made about not being a sexual predator. Again, the Bible was a little ambiguous about sex crimes, so let me clear it up now once and for all. Rape is bad. Sex with a minor is bad. Sexual assault is bad. Sexual harassment is bad. All these things are crimes even when rich and powerful people commit them. And let me be clear about another thing. You all may think you got away with it, but your day of reckoning will come. Just ask Roger Ailes.

Now, as for you specifically, you’re kind of the one that started it all, aren’t you? You’re patient zero, going down even before Harvey Weinstein. Yeah, maybe you aren’t exactly the head of a big Hollywood studio, or the president of the United States, but you had money and clout and you took advantage of your privilege to indulge in your naughty hobby. And I’m sorry to say you will be made an example of.

—Jesus the Furious

Dear Jared,

I’m trying to figure out which Subway sandwich I should cram up your ass first. Obviously, it has to be one of the hot ones, with bread right out of that toaster thingy. I’m thinking there should also probably be some scalding sauce, so maybe a Footlong Meatball Marinara? But hot peppers would also burn when exposed to the open sores you’ll have in your anus, so maybe I should go with the Spicy Italian. And then, of course, there’s my personal favorite: the cobra sandwich. That’s when you take a cobra, place it between two cobras, then shove the whole thing up your ass.

But your eternal torment isn’t just going to be about cramming different sandwiches up your ass. You worked hard losing all that weight, and down here in Hell you’re going to gain it all back. Every Wednesday and Saturday, you’re going to be presented with a huge feast. Trays and trays of your favorite foods prepared by master chefs. Each time the first bite will cause you to momentarily think that you somehow escaped to Heaven. And that’s when it’ll hit you. After several chews, the fried chicken will suddenly turn into human shit while it’s still in your mouth. You’ll want to spit it out, but something will compel you to force it down. And after each bite you’ll forget what just happened, so you’ll take another bite. And you’ll continue gorging in this fashion until you’re the size of Violet Beauregarde. And then you’ll just sit there in your cell unable to move, barely able to breathe, wishing your stubby arms could reach your mouth so you could brush your teeth and get rid of the shit taste. But you’ll never be able to get out the shit taste. You’ll be tasting shit for eternity.

Also, you’ll be forced to wear your old “big boy” jeans at all times.

—Satan the Sandwich Artist

Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.

H. Seitz
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