Divine Advice For Jeff Sessions

Dear Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior and Satan His evil but necessary counterpart,

I’m starting to think we bet on the wrong horse. The problem with this latest kids in cages debacle is that we put little kids into cages. The demented harpies who voted for Trump aren’t going to stand for this, seeing little kids suffering makes them weak in the ovaries.

And Trump saying it’s the Democrats fault, and then saying an executive order wouldn’t be enough, and then saying congress had to do it, and then caving and signing an executive order anyway. This is a lot to swallow even for a Trump supporter.

We’d need a miracle to survive the midterms after this. Or a deal with the Devil. Either way, as long as we Make America Great Again or accomplish whatever the hell it is we’re supposedly doing.

We’re a bit short on souls, but we have plenty of children’s souls to spare and it has nothing to do with those kids in the cages. These are free-range, all-natural children’s souls, and if you prefer American souls to Mexican ones, we can arrange that. But if we grant them citizenship, we’ll need another miracle or deal to explain that to our base.

Sincerely,
Jeff Sessions


Dear Jeff Sessions,

I’m not sure how it’s possible after everything that’s happened so far, but it seems you’ve overestimated Trump’s demented harpies. The fact is, most of those harpies are just fine with the kids-in-cages thing. Trump and his cronies (you included) did a pretty bang-up job dehumanizing those kids, and as usual, most of the knuckle-draggers were on board with the bullshit you were feeding them. It’s true—the voices of reason are louder this time. Maybe that makes you a little nervous, but don’t worry. Trump is still more popular now than when he got elected and is likely to be re-elected in 2020 without any (or in spite of any) Divine Intervention. The “fake news” tactic you guys use to delegitimize the mainstream media and discredit anyone who criticizes him continues to work flawlessly, and most of his numbskull base remains impenetrable to truth and common sense. This shouldn’t be so surprising. We’re talking about people who think those bedtime stories I wrote about naughty women turning into pillars of salt and guys living inside whales are things that really happened. At this point, it’s been established that there’s literally nothing The Donald can do to rattle their loyalty. He could call a press conference at a church, take off his clothes and masturbate until he blows a huge load on a statue of me—just blast me right between the eyes—and those nutty Evangelicals would find some ridiculous way to justify it. That may seem like a strangely specific example, but—spoiler alert—that’s because it’s actually going to happen. Soon. And this isn’t just one of my bedtime stories, although maybe I’ll include it in the new edition of the Old Testament I’m working on. I still have to think of a title for that. Calling it the New Old Testament seems awkward, I think.

—Jesus the Realist


Dear Jeff Sessions,

Aww…you called me “necessary.” I think that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me. I can’t wait to turn your ass into the Chicxulub crater. I’m not trying to brag about my cock or anything, it’s just that it will probably do a lot of damage to a guy the size of a garden gnome. Speaking of garden gnomes, I think I’ll make you wear one of those pointy red hats while I’m tunneling through your rectum. I’ll probably make some quip about mining for coal or whatever.

Boy, I don’t envy the guy who I end up sticking behind you on Human Centipede Tuesdays. As if swallowing your shit won’t be bad enough, they’ll have the added discomfort of a strained neck. Because you’re so short.

—Satan the Necessary

Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan

H. Seitz

H. Seitz

H. Seitz is the author of the Sci-fi novella "Iron Manimal" and a contributing writer at The Skull Island Times.
H. Seitz

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