You know the people who when they were kids were always misquoting movies? Who’d tell the same dumb joke or say the same stupid catchphrase over and over again and laugh every time?
That kid was me. I’ve always been kind of a wannabe. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a cowboy. Living with nature among all of God’s creatures, sleeping under the stars and cooking beans over a campfire, all of that stuff sounded awful to me. But being able to shoot Indians or Native Americans or really anyone (but it’s easier to get away with it if they’re brown) would have made all of those hardships worth it.
Like a lot of college guys, I went through my “The Godfather” and “Scarface” phase. I would repeat those lines about cannolis and saying hello to my little pal to everyone. I was so cool.
I never really grew out of that phase. I pretended to be a tough connected guy all the way up until a few days ago. Donald Trump liked to play pretend tough guy, too, so we got along great, and with his money, I actually was sort of tough and connected, at least as far as paying other people to be tough and connected.
When the feds sat me down and my lawyers bailed on me, I have to admit I pissed in my pants. Those feds started talking about Guantanamo. They told me they could stick me in a little room somewhere and just leave me there forever. Or, if they were feeling restless, they might just hang me for treason. Do people still get hanged in America? Jesus Christ what kind of a country is this?
All I did was give money to a few prostitutes, land developers, and hired goons. I didn’t want to deal with the goons, but I needed them to scare a few teenaged girls into silence. Teen-aged girls love to talk, and they make up all sorts of crazy shit about Donald Trump. Remarkably consistent crazy shit, but crazy nonetheless.
What should I do? I mean obviously I’m going to rat Trump out, but did I actually commit treason? Is prostitution the same as treason? I’m out of my depth here, I really need you guys to step up.
I’ll Be Here Again (from The Terminator, awesome movie!),
Dear Michael Cohen,
I agree—Terminator is an awesome movie. But my favorite line from it is “Stop! Or My mom will shoot!” Rose from Golden Girls is hilarious in that movie.
You asked if prostitution and treason are the same things. It seems like, as a lawyer, you’d know that one. But I guess you aren’t really a lawyer, are you? You bought off all your teachers during law school then hired Rudy Giuliani to take the Bar for you. Well, it looks like ole’ Rudy’s going to be cleaning up your mess once again. It’s funny. The central theme in all those movies you quoted is loyalty, but you guys are all a bunch of rats. It’s just a matter of who throws whom under a bus first. Being the dumbest of the dumbasses in this story, I’d be worried if I were you. Not that it matters. You’re going to choke on a wad of Trump’s cum and die before this thing goes to trial anyway. I usually don’t like to tell people the specifics of their fate because it’s painful to watch them try to avoid it, but in this case I’m going to enjoy seeing you squirm.
—Jesus the Vengeful
Dear Michael Cohen,
Don’t worry—Jesus is just fucking with you about that whole cum-choking thing. The truth is, you’re all going to be fine. Trump’s going to pardon everybody, including himself. Nobody will be impeached, nobody will go to jail. To thank him for saving your sorry ass, you really will swallow his load, but it’ll go down smoothly like it always does. So you’ll all live easy lives as free men, laughing at the lib-tards because they couldn’t touch you, chanting “lock her up” even though it no longer has any contextual meaning the way bitter Red Sox fans used to chant “Yankees suck,” at Bruins games in the middle of January. Yes, all will be well and good for you slimy bastards.
Until you die. And that’s when the fun begins for me. I’m not going to tell you every little thing I’m going to do to you all, but let me just tell you about Tuesdays. On Earth, you guys like to call it “Taco Tuesday”, but down here in Hell, it’s “Human Centipede Tuesday.” I am going to solder you all together, lips to ass with fire from my cock, forming a long chain of shitbags. With 24 indictments already and more still to come, I am finally going to get into the Guinness Book of World Records for the longed human centipede. This has been a dream of mine for years.
Trump will be in the middle of course, right behind Giuliani who will be force-fed gallons of five-alarm chili, Raisin Bran and Saag Paneer every Monday night. You’ll be behind Trump.
—Satan the Record-breaker
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to email@example.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.