This is embarrassing. Even for an 87 year old man worth over 15 billion dollars, it’s embarrassing.
By some bureaucratic blunderpuffin, I didn’t realize I founded Fox News. All these years, I thought I owned CNN.
So I’ve been watching CNN for the last 20 some odd years. The reporting is first rate, mate. Or at least second rate. They aren’t deliberately malicious at least. They try. But I thought they could do better, and I sensed a slight liberal slant. So at every quarterly meeting, I’d tell them (or at least I thought it was them) “Great job, mates! But there’s still a bit of a liberal slant. Try to even it out a bit. Now off ya go!”
So year after year, I kept telling them this, until I finally got it all sorted about a year ago. A few months after your Donald Trump was elected president. I turned on Fox News for the first time and for the love of God, what have I done? Aren’t there any laws or standards in your country to prevent this sort of thing from happening?
I know I’m going to hell regardless, but if there’s any way for me to undo some of the damage before I go, please let me know.
That’s not a knife. This is a knife.
Dear Rupert Murdoch,
There’s no way to undo the damage you’ve done, but there is a way to repent in the eyes of The Lord. Tomorrow morning, you’re going to show up unannounced to the set of Fox and Friends. While they’re on-air, you’re going take off all your clothes, walk out there and take a big ole’ shit on Steve Doocy’s lap. After that, you’re just going to get up and stand next to the couch. Demand that they go back to talking about whatever it was they were talking about before you showed up. Under no circumstances are they allowed to cut away to commercial. Warn them that if they do, you will cook and eat the children of everybody in the studio live on TV. When Donald Trump calls to get policy advice, just start talking about how sexy you think he is and how hard he makes your cock. Invite him over. Tell him he can bring Ivanka if he wants. She won’t be allowed to join in, but she can masturbate on the couch while you fuck Donald’s face. Meanwhile, order Ainsley Earhardt to don a strap-on, plunge it deep into Brian Kilmeade’s asshole and dig for gold.
Do this, and all will be forgiven. Also, it will be the best episode of Fox and Friends ever. It will be your legacy.
—Jesus the Forgiver of Sins
Dear Rupert Murdoch,
Confession: Jesus didn’t actually write the above response, I did. I snuck onto his laptop while he was out taking his dog for a walk, then published it before he even saw your question. Why? Because I don’t want you to be forgiven for your sins. I want you to be sent to Hell so we can hang out. Sure, I could go up there and hang out with you now, but on Earth, your 87-year-old body is frail and weak. If you were to be involved in the kind of Eyes Wide Shut style orgies I’m envisioning, it would break you. Down here, though, you’ll be indestructible. You’ll be all dried out and leathery like a pale Slim Jim. Will you be tortured? Of course you will. In fact the orgies themselves will be borderline torture. But it’s a lot more like Australia than Heaven is, so it’ll feel like home.
—Your Pal Satan
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to firstname.lastname@example.org, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.