In light of the recent political climate, I am very concerned about my iconic portrayal of the Fonz. Having sex with all those teenage girls in the garage of some kid I bullied, heyyy!. This is America. Nothing wrong with that. But my treatment of jukeboxes troubles me.
Is this AI thing for real? And will the robots realize that I’m just an actor, that I had no choice but to hit those machines? If I had known then what I know now, I would have snapped my fingers at the jukeboxes and hit the teenage girls instead. Like a normal adult pretending to be a teenager in the 50s. Heyyy!
I’m concerned because the AI might learn from the Fonz that this is the best way to solve your problems. Something not obeying you or doing what you want it to? Thwack! And here comes that sweet music. It works with jukeboxes, it works with teenage girls, so why wouldn’t it work with people?
I also have 17 illegitimate children, but heyyy! Let’s deal with this AI thing first, okay?
Henry “the Fonz” Winkler
I gotta tell you, Happy Days was my favorite TV show of all time. Those were simpler times, living in the 70’s and being nostalgic about the 50’s. I miss not feeling pressure to take a stance against sexism and racism. The truth is, you’re not wrong about the AI revolution and robots’ position on hitting. Would it have helped the current situation if you had taken it easy on the jukeboxes back in the day? Maybe. Would hitting teenage girls now make any difference? It might. I wouldn’t recommend trying it though. A good many teenage girls are taking kickboxing classes and even the ones who aren’t could probably kick your ass. What might help, though, it fucking a few jukeboxes. That would go a long way in showing those robots that you’ve learned the error of your ways and that you have a love and respect for machines. Now, technically, fucking a jukebox falls under the category of “premarital relations” but I’m willing to look the other way in this case. So yeah, stick your hard cock right in that coin release tray. I know it’s narrow, but it’s really the only orifice a jukebox has. I guess your other option would be to unplug it and shove the cord up your ass. Either way, you’ll be a hero. Does the fate of humanity rest in the balance of your ability to make a jukebox cum? I dare say it does.
—Jesus the Fan
I was just thinking the other day how much better Charles in Charge would have been if you were Charles instead of Baio. I’m sure Nicole Eggert would agree. I just looked up Scott Baio on Wikipedia, wondering if his crazy right-wing views were a result of some twelve-step recovery program run by religious nutters, as was the case with George W. Bush and Steven Baldwin. Turns out, Baio was always just a tool. Anyway, it’s time you learned the truth about your 17 illegitimate children for which you’ve been paying child support all these years. Turns out I am actually the father of 15 of them. Did I know this all along? Yes. Did the mothers know? No, they did not. I was wearing a Fonzie disguise, so they truly believed it was you they were fucking. I’m a shape-shifter and my disguises are virtually flawless, but it’s still on the women for not being able to tell what was going on. For one thing, I looked like 1980 Winkler, not the old bloated modern version. Secondly, as good as I am at disguises, I can never transform my fire-red 12” barbed cock. Thirdly, all those kids have horns and cloven feet. It’s possible the moms did know the truth all along and just figured you’d be more likely to actually pay the child support. They were right in that assumption, weren’t they? And don’t think I don’t appreciate it. As a way of saying thanks for taking care of my children all these years, I will stop fucking your wife. Or I’ll keep fucking if you’re looking for an excuse to leave her for someone younger. That’s your call.
—Satan the Grateful Baby Daddy
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to email@example.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.