I feel like I kind of monopolize you guys. I keep writing in and you must be sick of me. So this time I’m wearing a disguise so you won’t know it’s me. I’m just an average everyday guy asking an average everyday question that all guys can relate to.
If you were in love with Ben Affleck for 25 years but stuck in the friendzone, how would you get yourself out?
I’ve tried everything. Exercise, cocaine, spandex, orgies. I figured I might be able to sneak in during an orgy, but the Bat Cave is well guarded. I call it the Bat Cave because like most average guys, the guy I have a crush on played Batman in a major motion picture.
You’ve gotta help me. I’m not getting any younger. Truth be told, I’m actually already 67 years old. All those Bourne movies where I’m muscled up and shirtless, it’s actually my butler who I totally hired because he’s a great butler, and not because he looks like a young Ben Affleck. They just CGI’d my face right onto him. All my movies nowadays, they just CGI my face onto some dude. Even if he’s supposed to be Chinese.
Should I just propose? I hear guys love that, when a guy they’ve been friends with since childhood suddenly drops a rock on them.
“Average Joe” (Matt Damon in Disguise)
Dear Matt Damon,
You don’t seem to know how disguises work, though I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Are we getting sick of you? Of course we are. However, this time I might actually be able to help you. Because if there’s one thing good ole’ Jesus can relate to, it’s being in the “friend zone.” 93% of my Apostles were prostitutes, but how many times did I get my bell rung? Not a one. That’s right—I died a 33-year-old virgin. They all kept telling me I was like a brother or son to them. In all fairness, that was literally true for some of them. But things haven’t gotten any better for me since then. Have you ever heard of Catholic nuns being referred to as “brides of Christ?” Well, guess what—not a single one of them has ever offered to fuck me or even give me a BJ. I think it’s because my skin is darker than they expect it to be and I look and smell like a homeless man. I also have a lot more body hair than most modern women can handle. I’ve watched some nuns masturbate to what they think are images of me, but they’re really just looking at pictures of Ewan McGregor as Obi Wan Kenobi. So what’s my solution? Embrace celibacy, of course. Sure, sometimes I get so horny that I want to explode and that’s when hurricanes and earthquakes happen. But for the most part, I just channel my energy into planning the Apocalypse and punishing adulterers. Maybe instead of pining for a man that’ll never commit to you, you can get back to making decent movies like We Bought a Zoo and Stuck on You. If that doesn’t work, try slamming your dick in a bible whenever you have naughty thoughts about Ben. That was my go-to prescription for gays back when I thought homosexuality was a disease that could be cured and/or just a choice. Does the treatment work? Not for everyone, of course, but many people find it hard to have gay sex (or any sex, really) with a crushed dick. I’d say try the career thing first, though. It’s less painful.
—Jesus the Wize
Dear Average Matt Damon,
The best way to get Batfleck is to tell him you’re pregnant and that you know the baby is his. Batfleck is “mister responsibility” and he won’t leave you hanging. It’ll be a shotgun wedding, but it’ll still be Hollywood. All the lesser Afflecks with be there, and maybe a lesser Walberg or two. I’ll bet even Jennifer Garner will show up because it’s not like she wasn’t expecting this all along. Faking a pregnancy and birth won’t be easy, but I can help with that. I’ll just impregnate you myself. Maybe you didn’t know this (why would you?) but as the Devil, I can impregnate anyone and anything. I’ve impregnated cows, I’ve impregnated refrigerators. The result of impregnating inanimate objects is living demon dolls like Chucky. Don’t worry—your baby won’t be an evil doll, it’ll just be a regular human child. Probably. Chances of it being an evil doll are like 100-1. It’s worth the risk, isn’t it?
So you’ll marry Batfleck and you’ll have a baby. That’s when Phase II of the plan kicks in. As you can probably guess, Batfleck will eventually leave you for the nanny, usually within 2 years of marriage. But when this happens, you’ll be ready for it. Here’s how it’s going to work: At around your 1-year anniversary, you’re going to swap places with your butler. Have him start wearing a realistic Matt Damon mask designed by one of the make-up people working on one of your movies. Meanwhile, you’re going to start dressing like a hot blond nanny. Batfleck loves blonds. Eventually, he’ll get around to cheating on “you” (your butler in disguise as you) with “the nanny” (you in disguise as the nanny). Then you’ll have him forever. Trust me, this plan never fails. Ask Schwarzenegger.
—Satan the Trickster
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to email@example.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.