Dear Yahweh and Mastema,
This is already awkward enough for a Jew, coming to you two for help, but I didn’t know where else to turn.
I’m getting on in years. Frankly, I don’t even remember how old I am. But it doesn’t really matter. I’ve lived a long, happy, blessed life. Or so I thought.
Supposedly I made a robot, a cross-dressing robot, and made it touch little kids? And I filmed it? And this robot, at least in the film, had the power to make children sexually assault each other? What the hell?
I look into my heart and it tells me no way, but my damn memory! And the heart wants what the heart wants. Maybe I don’t want to remember.
They also said something about zombie frogs and cruelty to animals?
Please tell me I didn’t do this. But if I did do it, tell me, and I’ll take whatever comes. At least Jews don’t believe in an afterlife, so my torments will die with me. But oy vey! The shame on my family!
No, this can’t be true. It’s impossible!
Dear Steven Spielberg,
I’m assuming you’re talking about your upcoming movie Ready Player One. Or did you actually build a pedophilic robot without my knowledge somehow? The idea that I could have missed something like that is too scary to consider, so I’ll stick with assuming you were talking about the movie. After watching the trailer online, I am not exactly sure what you’re feeling so guilty about. I didn’t see any cross-dressing robots that touch little kids or any sexual assault. The most offensive thing about the trailer I saw was the use of the Van Halen song “Jump.” I know it’s probably an unpopular opinion these days when people are nostalgic about every single thing that came out of the 80’s but I always hated that song. The synthesizer is so damn annoying to me. Anyway, back to the movie. It looks like this one is based on another dystopian novel. Boy, you humans are so obsessed with dystopia. I get it—I’ve been hinting about an upcoming Apocalypse for a while now, so it’s hard not to imagine what comes after that. Here’s something you might find interesting: one of your writers has predicted your fate with 100% accuracy. I won’t tell you which one, though. I don’t want to spoil the surprise.
—Jesus Player One
Dear Steven Spielberg,
I’m not going to watch your damn movie because I am so sick of stories about dystopia. Frankly, the Apocalypse is going to be a lot of work for me and I don’t like thinking about it. Anyway, the things you seem to be worried about regarding the robots and the sexual assault are nothing compared to some of the shit you wrote when you were younger. The strangest thing that seemed to slide under everyone’s radar is the upsetting backstory of Indiana Jones and Marion Ravenwood. Many fans of this beloved franchise seem to be either unaware or unwilling to accept than Marion was supposed to be 13 years old when they first hooked up. While it is never explicitly stated in the film, it was strongly hinted at. “I was a child,” she says. “I was in love.” Indy’s response? “I did what I did. You don’t have to like it.” That’s pretty fucked up.
—Satan The Appalled
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to firstname.lastname@example.org, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.